General

I haven’t been on here in five years. I read some of my old posts on my old account and realized that I’m heading back down that path. When I stopped writing on here, my mind had gone from a dark place to a bright one. A place full of positivity. Five years later, here I am. No one is perfect. No one can stay happy all the time, and I know I’ll figure my shit out eventually but it’s hard, and I feel like I need to write about it. This website crossed my mind, and I figured why not?

I have attempted suicide many […]

I won’t bore you with my list of failures for today.  Let’s just say that today has been another shitshow in a long life of shit days.  Oh how I wish I would just not wake up any more.  I just want to go on a vacation somewhere where there is not any laundry, broken toilets, cracked walls, lawns to mow, housework, beds to make, dogs to feed, dishes to wash, or cooking.  But, I will never again have a vacation.  I can’t afford one, and I never will be able to afford one again.

I am so sick of failing at everything.  Other people my […]

Today for the first time my reasons for suicide outweighed my reasons against. Which doesn’t mean I’m going to do anything hasty. I’m still terrified of the idea. But for the first time it seems like the balanced, rational choice, rather than just an emotional reaction. My resistance to it now seems like the irrational emotional response.

I suppose what this mainly reflects is the further erosion of my optimism. I’ve had more time to dwell on what I value in life, and it’s become clearer how slim my chances of finding a meaningful life are. I’ve also been spending more time out and about, which […]

Do you ever wish someone would slip a cyanide pill into your food so you could just die and not even notice It? I’m so fucking sick of being unsure of everything.

I deeply regret that day when the cut wasn’t deep enough to die or even for a good stitch. I thought I had reborn the morning next and that I should start rebuilding myself – bit by bit. I hoped that that regret will wipe away.  I would have my life within my limits and I’ve grown in all these months to not care for the world. Hoped a lot but sadly, here I am – again shattered, crying my eyes out and pain hammering my heart. I am simply thinking about how this present wouldn’t have existed if I was successful in doing what […]

I was reminiscing today about many things and I decided to take a trip down memory lane and somehow wound up on here again. As I was reading through my old posts, it hit me: all those times when the people I love told me it would get better were times when they knew better than I that it would, in fact, get better.

3 years ago I broke up with the person I thought at the time was the love of my life. It took a while to fully get over the pain, but the struggle revealed ways that I could work on myself that […]

Lost in the dark, with no lights anywhere.

Just walking around getting pulled around by black figures that mix into the darkness, figures that can’t be seen. I have no control over anything, I’m so confused and lost  

Out of nowhere it’s like they’re grabbing my ankles, ripping me underwater. I can’t fight. I can’t breath. im drowning  

Finally they let go and I swim to the surface thinking I see some light, get fully onto land and back to walking. Just as fast as I thought I saw the light, I get swiped off my feet and dragged into the darkness that disappeared. As […]

I’m falling down so hard this week. I just keep spiraling. Every day starts out good then something just makes it bad. Running late to work, my hair not turning out, my boyfriend saying no when I wanted to make him cookies. Each one of those stupid silly things has made me crumble and fall so easily. I just don’t know what to do anymore. The smallest things have me falling and breaking. I’ve wanted to cut so bad this week but I just can’t. I want to let the pain out so bad but I know if I do and my boyfriend sees it […]

its like i just woke up slowly
i mean dont get me wrong im still depressed and angry at the world
i couldnt tell you how or why but the thoughts just went away
i still think about killing other people but i dont want to die anymore
its like my brain realized that you only really need 1 or 2 reasons to stick around
i got graffiti and i got my little bro
thats worth sticking around for
feelsgoodman

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