I didnt have a father figure growing up. I had a Dad, but he wasnt a father. He was more interested in womanizing and food. My mother was a lot like the people here; very sad all the time, hurt herself a lot, wanted to die.
I’m my own responsibility, and I understand that. At the same time, I wonder how this effected the way I turned out?
Even at the age of 21 I can’t find people who like me. I’m unlikeable and I guess I need to accept that. I’ve only found one person who understands me, understands my mental issues and I believe he hates me. I feel like I lost him after what I said. I had to tell him the truth so he wouldn’t get the wrong idea. I just ended up hurting him. I feel like I’ll never find someone like that who understands me again. Not even my closest friend does. But I believe he hates me as well. Oh well.. time to walk down the […]
Posts like this, about my deep philosophic issues seem to appeal to a tight and not particularly responsive audience. Which is why it comes out here and not somewhere else, when I write about my issues here it is just that I need to write out the thing. If I get some sort of feedback I value it, but feedback isn’t expected, if that makes sense.
Which brings back to the point that I’ve never fully internalized the idea of myself as a person and not a very complex and temperamental machine. I don’t mean my identity because that is external to my mind and perhaps […]
What really is the meaning of life? I cost my parents a bunch of money and feel like a burden on them. I have 2 friends that actually seem to care about me. My work is dropping me. If I end it, i will no longer have to feel this way. People will be sad, but I won’t have to think about it when I’m dead. Therapy doesn’t seem to do anything for me.
So here I am, 3am and still awake. I’m stuck with our group project which is to make an animated commercial. Tomorrow’s the deadline. We would’ve finished this last week if only they followed the deadlines. I always do well on my part since this is the only thing I’m good at. And there’s this ungrateful groupmate I have who complained why I’m giving her work. Oh f*ck her please. I don’t like freeloaders. If she’s on my team, she needs to know her responsibilities. F*cking ***** telling me I’m the one who’s at fault here but I’m fully aware that I didn’t do anything […]
paperwork. paperwork. paperwork.
life’s full of it and that’s absolute bullshit.
i just want to sleep forever and not have to work.
i absolutely hate being in groupwork, but sadly, life says that if you don’t want to collaborate, you’re not going to do well in life – you’ll be a failure. Your life will be miserable.
i don’t want…to carry the expectations of people and i sure as hell don’t want to disappoint them. which is hard, especially in my school.
teachers say it’s okay to fail but what if you fail the expectations of your groupmates? your classmates? your friends? and then they’ll all go grumpy and […]
I’m being mocked. I swear, it’s like she’s mocking me. I’d much rather tell my friends, but all I ever do is vent, rant, and bring them into my issues. I feel like a burden, and I know that it’s hard for them to find words in order to respond and help me. I’m full of issues. This time, it’s because of racism and I’m not too sure if I really should tell them because they are all the same race, I’m the only one who is different. I knew that there’d be a term test, but I missed it because of family issues, but […]
Suicide is always an option for me. Here’s what I mean.
Let’s say I lose my Car Keys. When I go through my head to assess my options, my options will look like:
1. Trace your steps
2. Replace the keys
3. Kill yourself.
It’s always there for some reason, in my list of options when I’m trying to solve problems. Isnt that ridiculous!? Even when I’m not depressed it’s like that.suicide
I would say I’m only mildly depressed right now, and that I’ve been working hard to make progress. I have made progress, lots of it. But it’s still there, like this annoying little whisper. I keep having to remind myself that […]
And I am not even drinking alcohol anymore,
For how long will I live in this mind and body,
a slave to a genetic structure I am not allowed,
to destroy I tried once with the original intention to die but I panic I took the wrong sleeping pills or I didn’t take enough sleeping pills, damnit there is no one in this world willing to kill me not even myself.
She is supposed to be my cousin – family. She is supposed to be my best friend, my soulmate, the person that makes me smile and the person I can never stay mad at. But I’ve lost her. I would say I lost her yesterday but really I have been slowly losing her for a long time. Every argument starts with me calling her out on something, her getting mad and saying I always cause problems, then I apologise very well, she says it is not enough anymore because it always happens and is always “my fault”. I always am the one t say sorry […]
How shall one be happy if one doesn’t know how to be happy in this world when you’re own existence is nothing but a joke to others you have my information just kill me please I won’t be able to deal with my own problems when all I think about from time to die is suicide.
happiness is something that I don’t feel kill me someone out there you know how to find me just kill me for those who know how to bypass the system and bring me a peacefully and painless death.
It’s been half a year since I last came here. A lot of things can happen and change in six months, and it’s still incredible how some things remain constant in your life, for better or worse.
Tonight I feel down, yet again, but I’m getting to the point where this feeling is overwhelming me, more than the usual “I can handle this amount of sadness” feeling I tend to ignore most of the times. College is tearing holes in my self-confidence, my mental health and my ability to maintain healthy social interactions with others. With everyone around me having the typical “Holiday cheerfulness” and organizing […]
Everyone is cheap. Everyone lets me down. No one can be trusted. Nobody gives a shit. No one understands. Everyone’s world revolves around themselves. Can you blame them? Human nature baby. I love it, when my mood starts to switch up and i start leaning on people, just to get hurt or crushed or let down. Its awesome. I wish i could remember how fucking shallow everyone will always be, so i can stop investing time into nothing. Nobody cares, and i shouldnt expect them to.
Too bad i hate life and myself enough to care about myself as much as everyone else does. Nobody will […]
I’m still facing eviction with nowhere to go.
I pursued a lead on craigslist and it turned out to be a scam. They wanted me to wire them money and then they send the key and papers in the mail. Yeah right.
I feel so stupid. Wasted a week pursuing this lead before they revealed their scheme. People think because I’m mentally disabled that I’m completely stupid. It’s hurtful and I’ve grown to resent it.
I don’t know what to do. I’m pretty much at the bottom of the barrel as far as housing goes. If I go to another boarding house or worse, a halfway house, I’ll […]
There’s nothing wrong with my life. I have friends, a good education, a loving/supportive family, I’ve been doing the things I love, I pretty much have everything I want, I’m not homeless, and my health is great. Yet I’ve still been suffering mentally and emotionally. I don’t understand.
I’m sure there are many people out there that are in the same boat as I am to a certain degree, but for me what I think about myself and my body are true. Every day I look in the mirror and see a fat, ugly and worthless person staring back at me. I want so so much to become skinnier and to actually change but I can’t do it. I can’t commit to anything and it is really affecting me negatively. I study VCE health and am taught that a factor of mental health and wellbeing is positive self esteem. I have every right […]
You are screaming and I can’t hear you.
I am screaming and you can’t hear me;
One person in a sea of 8 billion.
Live alone and love your T.V.
I’m surrounded by horrible people and I’m becoming a horrible person. I’m tired of being abused and losing. I’m tired of trying only to fail. I’m afraid of the future in my current state, afraid of death, hospitalization, and jail.
I don’t even remember what it’s like to be loved. People hate me without ever getting to know me and they judge me based on the way I react when I fall into their traps. I’m tired of being lied to and abused, called names and deliberately bullied.
It’s okay for everybody to mistreat and disrespect me, but when I get pushed over the edge they can […]
As a rule, I am sentimental to the point of neurosis. Given as I am to swaying wildly from one emotional extreme to the other, when it comes to making permanent changes, (or changes I view as permanent) I stop in my tracks. I freeze. I let dilapidation surround me. I orgiastically wreathe myself in ambivalence. This has had the benefit of keeping me alive when I would’ve rather died, but it also has the deleterious effect of keeping me in a state in which a full, worthwhile life is impossible. And so I begrudgingly trundle myself from one moment to the next, one impulse […]
Mom and Dad, you were both so screwed up and all that disfunction overflowed from your cup. Abandoning me at the age of four, I watched my father walk out that door. Left with a woman so selfish and cold that I don’t even remember her being in my life until I was 8 years old when she married an abusive psychopath that chased us down and in his wrath threatened to kidnap my baby sister.
Fairy tale step parents was what I had, it would been better if I had never had a dad, because I expected him to be there for me, but all […]
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