I found out yesterday that I nearly lost my stepdad to suicide this week. About a week ago, I told my stepdad about the trauma he’s caused me; about how perv-y he gets when he’s drunk. He didn’t know he was like that. And he’s always viewed pervs as the worst of the worst, and believe they deserve painful deaths. So apparently, when he found out he was one of them, he thought he deserved to die too. I feel sympathetic for him, don’t get me wrong. But at the same time, after everything that that man has caused me, I’m glad he felt like […]
Sometimes things give me some perspective, like as feeble and useless as I am, things could be worse.
I have these friends who are about my age, but way sicker physically than I am. They have something I don’t have, the ability to keep pushing when their bodies say no. I’m not sure if I envy that. Point being, they can push themselves to levels of sick that I can only dream of.
I have a lot of empathy for the situation, because I certainly could have kept pushing. This morning the guy had a full meltdown, a confluence of stressors arranged in such a way that […]
It’s just one of those days to research ways to kms. No one knows how exhausted I am. I’ve hit rock bottom today and it feels as though I’m not going to get up any time soon. The worst is, that my doctor won’t write me up to take time off anymore. Well, I guess that sucks to everybody else. I’m not getting out of the house unless absolutely necessary. I can’t care about anybody’s needs anymore. I’m in a constant goose chase and I have nothing to show for it.
graduation is coming up.. how did i make it here? i should’ve died a long time ago.. i don’t know what to do after, and i can only regret what i haven’t done long ago. i wish i was part of a big project.. a big community.. hell, just something to add to my portfolio but.. i’ve never been motivated to do anything, even making comics.
but i could’ve been something.. and now? i don’t know.
I used to be very active here in summer and autumn of 2017, when I was 14, terribly depressed, suicidal and self harmed every day. All I remember of that summer is light, which makes no sense looking back, considering I was awake all night every night and would go to sleep just as the sun would come up. I would write about wanting to die, but not wanting to hurt my friends, my family, about wishing I could just disappear. About feeling completely alone and unloveable.
All of my old posts from that time are still public. Reading back through them now is an […]
It only replays it never ends
3 years being cut away from you and I am still being punished for loving you
The wounds on my leg healed shut but I have not. For I am still bleeding from my wrist with your name in the background of my brain echoing louder and louder.
I loved you but you loved to scream
Scream until my voice can no longer be heard and I am hidden in a corner
In the same room where you told me you loved me, I hide from you
I lost my voice
My appetite
And my will to […]
This is a unique feeling, finding someone _better read_ than I on the particular matter of philosophy that dominates my issues. I guess I assumed that others who wished not to exist had more success than I have at achieving it.
I’ve read the relevant Camus, Myth of Sisyphus, because it most clearly defines and attempts to solve the philosophic problem of suicide. Deeper still, it discusses the desire not to be, and proposes some alternative ideas like social suicide, where you just drop your existing life and go live a different one. But the Russian literature element, that’s been on my to read list for […]
When all you have left is exhaustion. When all your love has trickled into droplets in a vast empty darkness. The only thing that’s left is your sense of loyalty and misplaced faith.
They say the opposite of love is hate. But that’s not exactly true. The absence of love has always been indifference. Because how would you know hate, if you never know love? But how would you know love if there is nothing but emptiness inside?
I struggle with my emotions, with my deepest darkest thoughts.
It’s been almost 5 months since my mom passed away and I am a lost little girl without her.
It’s been 5 months of my brain just on autopilot and me just being in the background of my head
It has been 5 months with the bare minimum to survive by choice
If I can’t keep myself alive that is a problem for another person but not me
I hate the idea of leaving who I need but I love the idea of being as free as the wind
It’s been 5 months since I turned 16 and now my world has ended.
Once Upon […]
It’s a teen romance writing you letters because you are doing things that are better for you.
It’s a teen romance because I’ve been with him for two years but I’ve been with you my entire life
I know nothing but you, nothing but your life as mine, I don’t even go to school anymore
I don’t want to be isolated from reality anymore but you have made it that way
Just to stop loving me
But god damnnit I still love you and therefore cannot hurt you even though I am not happy
I love you but I can’t stand to look at your face and tell you that I […]
Goddamnit, I had bought a flight, but it was a day earlier than I wanted to leave (not packed and ready to leave tomorrow night), but it was booked a few days ago, and tonight I saw the flight I wanted, but it meant I had to cancel the flight and rebook and pray that nothing goes wrong and someone snatches my flight as I cancel and before I can rebook (the page is SO slow, lagging, takes many minutes to cancel and rebook), so I decided to think about it first before jumping on it. I re-checked it 1-2 hours later and it […]
I was expecting the grade at 5 pm. As it was getting closer, I had a feeling that might not be the case. He probably even forgot I had directed research and did not submit a grade. I imagine administration will contact him about it. Now the only issue is I don’t know when this will happen. I think now that’s the worse part. I won’t know when the disappointment will occur. Most likely he will contact me and I will admit in shame that I have nothing to show. This whole thing has been bad top […]
When the pennies are so hard, that they’re crushing you…
I got a whiff of what owning some money feels like and it lessened my depression, because I went out more, to explore and buy a little something for myself. I still wear clothes from when I was 15 years old. (I just turned 25) Social contacts go up as well. A lady from eBay came by my home to drop off a Blu-Ray Player ’cause mine broke, she was nice.
Now my Mom’s going to be in a tough spot money wise and I’m afraid my money will go to the usual survival shit again. I’m […]
Just about. I realize that the prof might not know to give me a grade. He might have to be reminded after adminstration notices he doesn’t send in a grade by the due date. Then he will remember and give me my failing grade. I’m only really writing now because it helps me calm down to a degree. These last few hours have felt like an eternity. Yesterday seem to have went by quick. Today it is slow. I went grocery shopping this morning. I also had to stop by the lab to scrap off […]
I finished a show, Violet Evergarden (the character I drew above) yesterday for my movie class. It was very good, very beautifully animated and great soundtrack, the plot and the characters were awesome, definitely wanted more, but it’s probably a good thing the series is so short. Basically, Violet was raised in the military and taught to have no emotions/feelings or at least don’t show them, and everyone just considers her a tool. The Major, however, was the only person to treat […]
I think I WILL BE FORCED TO. CUT THEM OFF.
old friends. I feel uncomfortable while I talk to them because they know me too well. So I want to break all contact with them and find new ones. I do this all the time. Every few months at least. I don’t know how I wouldn’t !
I cant pretend that I care about someone who never texts me first even though we’ve known each other for 6 months. Fuck off. I’m going to block her. I hate her. I never want to think about her again. idc idc idc idc […]
me: fuck i just got triggered real fucking fucking bad
nobody:
me: i mean real motherfgucking bad my worst nightmare is happening
nobody:
me: im trying to hold on with everything ive got but thats not enough. not today. ive done all the things they tell you to do in a crisis. its not working its not fucking working
nobody:
me: idgaf i should just go back to my sh and my pills if thats all i got
nobody:
me: i mean is that a good idea
nobody:
me: seriously will it be better to just suffer thru this and wait for it to go away? or wiull it keep amplifying? the bridge is just […]
Anyone in the LA area want to meet up? Get a drink and talk?
They drop at 5 pm tomorrow. At least they should. I was thinking about it, and it’s actually hope that makes it hurt. It’s the root cause for anxiety. If you know something bad is going to happen, when it will happen, and the consequences of it happening, you shouldn’t feel anxious. You should feel some sense of peace. You might feel sad about it. Depressed. But not anxious. Not that unique pit feeling in your stomach. And it’s all because of hope. Because I have this small hope that things will turn out […]