Counting sheep or counting knives.

We’re ghost-drivers, too scared to look behind us, seeing others advance. Masters at trying to snake through gaps, catching forbidden nostalgia, hidden to others. Eyes like narrowed cat-pupils when hitting the sun, from all the blinding headlights.

Camera flashing lights to some people, no 15-minutes of fame for us. We’re the actual stars – dead a long time, but still around to be observed.

Simulacrums will be fed, some starving children will be not. Excessiveness or naught? Choose. Grey-thinking is passé.

Use as much as you’ve been used, and it’s an offense. However being used, in every imaginable way, is socially established.

Are our thoughts, […]

I’ve been posting more recently. It’s because I’m nostalgic. Tomorrow marks 7 years I’ve been posting on this site. Seven long years of coming here and dumping out the contents of my head. Do you ever start think back to when times weren’t so bad. Or at least times that don’t seem that bad from your current view point. Lately the crushing feeling of my current situation has made me nostalgic for those time. My tastes are also reverting back. I crave Sprite more and more because it reminds me of when I was a kid. […]

I am a misfit.

I’ve never fit in anywhere, ever since i was a kid. I always knew i was “different.” But it’s not like I’m gay or trans that makes me different. That is understandable not fitting in. I don’t fit in bc no one else believes in the things I believe in. How can you “fit in” with people who do not believe the things you do?

Hell, I don’t even fit in among the “depressed” group bc I’m too depressing for them apparently and don’t believe in the fluff phony feel-good words they keep pushing, despite them knowing it […]

So close to quitting my job and asking to be put on the highest dose so i can sleep my life away. I want to disappear and pretend im a passing stranger to everyone i come across. Ive expended all of my resources.

not that it feels like it has any part being here, beside people talking about chronic pain, poverty etc. That’s often the problem, my issues seem silly compared to the problems of others. I guess I’m trying to make peace with being silly…

So the grad program I’m going into did a webinar this evening, an hour of talking about the program and what it’s there for. I get why, well informed is better for them. At the same time, it feels like a sales pitch.  I don’t know if I buy it, the whole “we’ll put you into a fulfilling career”…. yeah, heard it before, […]

Everywhere I run my hands across, I find little bumps and blemishes. A lot of it’s just acne. On my back, my arms, my legs, my stomach, it’s everywhere. I have a lot on my mind. I want to learn how to speak it to people. My mom would be a good start. I have feelings of being worthless and out of place, but I can’t communicate it. It is hard. I don’t know. My anti depressants were increased. I hope they work. I flipped a coin today asking if I should kill myself. […]

I’m tired of suffering
I’m tired of being in pain 24/7
I’m tired of all my health problems
I’m tired of being depressed all the time
I’m tired of not being productive and not accomplishing anything

I’m tired of penny pinching
I’m tired of constantly worrying about money
I’m tired of all the things I want to do but can’t without the money to do it
And that includes fixing my health, which I can’t do without a lot of $$$.

I’m tired of being angry and bitter at life
I’m tired of the universe constantly throwing shit at me

I’ve had to suffer since I was 5.

How does one live a happy life when one is in constant pain? Yes from the car accident but also from the greedy dentist that fucked up my teeth/gums/mouth bc he wanted to make a few extra thousand dollars, and well as the many shit ass incompetent drs that have ruined my health. I would have been so much healthier had I not gone to drs. All they did was fuck me up more, one dr after another after another- ALL in different fields/specialties. The foot specialist fucked up my foot so now I can’t walk as well. The […]

hi

there are so many things.

so many things that are happening in the world, in my life, in my friends, in anyone else’s life. the world is moving so fast and so slow at the same time. the world seems to be full of contradictions.

how can so many things be happening but at the same time nothing is happening.

its like i’m stuck but i’m not really sure where.

i made a deal with myself.

if nothing has changed until the 20th august 2023, i will commit suicide.

until then, i will be strong.

I guess everyone has limits. I’m reaching mine. I can’t take much more and if it doesn’t get better I see no reason to continue on with this life as well as the thoughts in my head. They’re killing me. And I’m so overwhelmed. Time is ticking, there’s so much shit to do. My dad is barely being any help, only trying to help with his new girlfriend around. I’m reaching my limits however small they may be, I cant do anymore and I cant go any further. I want relief. I want to disappear. This fucking life, this world, holy shit. I just can’t […]

The reason why so many of us are depressed, and are languishing, is bc we do not have a good reason to continue on, to get up and fight another day. What for? What is at the end of the rainbow?

Most of us no longer have that Motivation- that ooompf.

Life would be worth living, if there was meaning, or some kind of purpose.
Life would be worth living, if your hard work and intelligence paid off and meant something.
Life would be worth living, if there was something at the end of the rainbow.
Life would be worth living, if you were actually […]

I’ve been coasting for the past few weeks. Just going with the motions. Something is going to catch up to me. My uncle told me the job market is bad and I should stay in school. Hell I heard from some people here that the job market is bad. When is it good? You always here that the economy is bad and the job market is bad. I still dread the idea of staying here. I’ve been coasting, but something is going to catch up. I can’t do this. I’m not good enough. But […]

I was woken up this morning by my tooth hurting…. so I ended up working on a horror novel I’ve been reading…. in the end it drove me to the edge. A few minutes ago I reached the point I stopped reading the detail, and started skipping about trying to get some answers, only for most of those answers to be out of reach. That’s what appeals to me about horror; often enough there are no answers, or the answers are up for interpretation.

It bugs me that humans as creators of narrative prefer to create a world of happy endings. Happy endings are a lie, […]

I miss my medication. It made me scratch the surface of what normalcy feels like.

If your parents don’t own land, then you are born into debt. Yes, the moment you are born, you are in debt. Your parents must pay rent every month. If they are lucky, they “own” a house and pay mortgage. They do not own the house until every last payment has been made. And most do not own the land. Especially if you live in the city. You may “own” a house, but not the land beneath it. And without land, you own nothing.

When you go to college, you take out more debt, bc in today’s world […]

I want out of this rat race
I want out of my miserable life

We aren’t allowed to live any kind of real life, given lack of money / shit jobs.
Yet we aren’t allowed to die either.

And YES, there IS a reason why they make suicide illegal. It isn’t bc they give a rat’s ass about our lives or whatever they claim. It is bc those in power do NOT want the peasants to have a way out. If there was a way out, people would not pay their debts. Credit card bills, mortgages, student loans, car payments, medical bills- you […]

Modern life is complete garbage.
by inTrueOffMyChest

This is a comment from this reddit thread:

People don’t realize that THIS is the problem with modern life in America. Is it a wonder why so many people are unhappy, on drugs, alcohol, opioids, antidepressants? Is it a wonder why everyone is so unfulfilled? With crap jobs and crap bosses? Sure not everyone has a crap job, but a LOT of people do.

We now live to work, not the […]

I hate drinking, but it’s one of few things that calms me down as of late. I don’t drink often, maybe once every few months or so at this point, but I just had a drink and man, I feel a lot calmer…

This is why I have to limit myself, so it doesn’t become a habit.

Luckily I’m a big dude, so drunkenness doesn’t come as easily for me. Still, it’s nice to shush the bad thoughts and just chill out after work.

And yet, my mind still races.

The medication seems to be working. I think. I meet with my psychiatrist tomorrow. I still feel worthless and incapable of anything. But I’m still going through the motions. Doing the work. Still don’t know if I’ll quit school or not. Right at this moment I have this nauseous feeling. Like something is going to happen. Something bad. Like it’s creeping up on me and about to strangle me. I don’t know.