I can be miserable all day, but it’s only at night that I’m really forced to stew in my unhappiness. I don’t have any energy left to avoid or deflect or distract myself. I need to sleep. I can’t sleep. So I’m stuck with this lingering ache, this longing to not be alone anymore. It’s at the core of all my unhappiness, but I can’t connect. I can’t trust other people. I don’t like other people. Being around others forces me to confront how much I hate myself.

It’s insane how much a simple thing can come to dominate your experience of life. Things are fundamentally […]

I’m so tired of it. I just need it to end. I pray to god – any god – to let it end. It doesn’t. It never does. I’m going to sink in these overwhelming and awful feelings and I’ll never get out. I’ve tried so hard. Just let it stop. All around me is suffering. I’m suffering. I’m tired. Everyone’s tired. Why must it be like this? Maybe I’ll get lucky and none of this was real to begin with. I’ll wake up somewhere safe, peaceful. A place where things are okay, and where I’m okay, and the one I love is okay. But […]

I’m back in my apartment. School starts Tuesday. The anxiety peaked yesterday. I was crying and couldn’t get a hold of my emotions. Pacing, talking out loud to myself. I even called my mom and talked about it. The anxiety just completely took hold of everything. I was so scared and panicked. The feeling like everything was going to be pulled out from under me was so overwhelming. I have an appointment with both my therapist and my psychiatrist on Monday. My mom’s pushing me to get meds for anxiety, but I think there’s nothing […]

I went in to pay two traffic tolls. This Blonde was there, not bad looking at all, about 26,I dealt with her before. ” Blondie, how are you? Good Christmas?” I said. ” I’m lonely, I was in bed, I don’t really know anyone” she said. Her honesty was very attractive and naturally the word ‘bed’ had caught my attention. Honesty is a very attractive quality, especially in relations between men and women,  both parties tend to have acute in built bullshit detectors, you try and bullshit the other party and you fail, if you’re completely honest in an uncensored manner you succeed. The best […]

When I get angry, I keep it to myself mostly.

I’ve snapped on my parents sometimes when I felt they aren’t listening to me, but not many others.

I keep my issues to myself mostly. As it stands, I lack money to go to the doctor to get help. I can’t pay for a therapist or anything, and I’m in the loop where too sick to work > not enough money to treat said sickness > too sick to work.

It’s fun when you want to help yourself, when you want to be responsible and keep your sick ass at home, but […]

Was just thinking.

Someone told me I would fall in love with anyone that fell in love with me so I started thinking about it.

I blame most of my mental problems on my mother. Idk if that’s alright. I am obsessed with the way I look and I think about it everyday, everyday the reason why I do things isn’t because I want to better myself or anything, and usually the main reason I do things is because I want to receive compliments from people in the future because I just love it when people tell me nice things…

It’s so easy to vent to people online […]

Do you know what it is like to fail yourself?

To plan, to perfect an exit, to weep and mourn your own loss, what little of the day left you would miss after completing, and the. to fail?

Do you know what it is like to feel that shatter-flutter of adrenaline and every chemical at once- Over and over and over again as you fail? AGAIN, and again-

And then, you fix things, you try to make it work- (why won’t it work? this doesn’t make any sense!)

and you yet again fail your one life’s desire?

and you try so many different things, so many different times, you SHOULD […]

Nov. 3- Lose a close friend, they become what I cannot. flaunt it blindly in my face, I rejoice for them, but they kill me inside and they cannot know.

Masculine culture is so toxic.
And I know there is just a lot of toxic culture these days, but seriously, it goes all the way to promoting unhealthy sex standards.
Afraid of becoming anything for fear of being hunted down like an animal- what kind of validation is this?
Men are crushed for the sake of becoming nothing? What idea has gone so far to create such a hellish jungle?
Never get out of […]

Jan 3rd. Wake up feeling worse than hungover, heavy, painful, unable to think as always. I wish anything made it better. Fail, eat, fail to feed myself effectively, hate. hate hate is too light a word.

I hate myself
I am so worthless. I am so sloth i am nothing without any company. I fail. I try. I fail. I complete nothing.
My life is one big bad dream. It’s full of wonder, but so too is it dripping with crushing despair.
Every opportunity I have to love myself is stolen like some cruel joke and I fuck everything up every time.
Only luck. Celebrate luck. […]

I searched Google for “violently uprooted tree” and found nothing.

I realize I’m damaged on a spiritual level. The type of damage that only rape and warfare causes. And I think I’m stuck here because my soul is tainted because of my and other’s actions and can never heal except in death.

I hit the ground running this morning, and first thing, the first thing I dealt with?

My computer either lost or corrupted a hard drive. That might sound weird to non desktop people, I have seven hard drives… and I know, seven, that seems like a bit much, right? It’s my entire digital life for the past decade. Lucky enough, what I lost was just the last 5 months, the rest was redundant data for other drives.

Still, it upset me, particularly because it is made worse by my motherboard developing an issue where the hard drive sata ports are dead, meaning that I couldn’t connect it […]

I just realized I’m probably a very annoying person, even when I’m in a good mood. I just can’t seem to shut up…

My stepdad and I were just fucking around as always, but then he said something about how I am and always “give him a headache when he talks”. I know he was joking, I hope he was anyway, but it was just kind of hurtful. And in a roundabout way I said that it was, I basically just said that if he was someone else it would hurt my feelings a lot. He’s not a bad guy at all, we mess around all the time, […]

When I say that I find my existence pretty weird, I mean mildly meaningless. Mild is an understatement. The new year began with the most amount of ideations that I have ever had to deal with because of a host of reasons. One being, my parents have retired from their job and my sibling and I should be supporting the family. My sibling has a wonderful job, an amazing partner, and is trying to live her best life. But here I am, still in college, with absolutely no job, no nothing. I am doing nothing to support this family. And with the line of career […]

I’m so fucking tired. I did what all of these dickshit fucking therapists say. “Do fucking yoga”, “take deep breaths”, “see loved ones”, “eat good”. Shit I’ve done fucking all of it, and I’m still ready to blast my fucking brains out. I’m so tired of this being the constant. I’ve used up all my energy to get to the fucking point I can do all the bullshit they say you’re supposed to, but it doesn’t mean shit when you’ve already attempted a few times. Nothing fucking changes, nothing’s going to until I do myself in or something else takes me out. God fucking damn.

Two main things;

1: I want to go skiing at least a week every year. I used to when I was a kid, and my entire adult life I haven’t been able to afford it. Everything in my life oriented towards health was with the attitude that I’d get to ski again. Now…. it seems unlikely, so I’m puzzled why I should keep myself healthy.

2: a place to escape to. Ideally rural, a cabin or cottage with a workshop or garage. I don’t need to spend all my time there, but there are times I want to shut out everything and only be with myself. Now […]

I will never experience any of the things that I feel to be meaningful in life. So why bother trying? Why put all that effort into improving my health, to earning more money, to improving my social skills. If it’s all going to amount to nothing I really care about, why force myself through all that? Why get out of bed every morning?

The answer is that if I don’t, things will get worse more quickly. I’ll end up even more isolated, in more physical pain, with worse money worries.

It all makes logical sense. If I’m not going to kill myself, and it seems I’m not, […]

It’s been a strange year. I’ve found out a lot about myself. I’m uncomfortable right now. I’m ill. I’m low. I’m more tired than ever of dismissing my feelings because it’s the illness talking, not me. But who is me? I have no fucking idea. All I am is this scared, weak shell of a person that likes to believe she’s strong. I’m usually convinced too. I have no idea who I am and therefore no idea what I’m doing. I had an anxiety attack while driving today, and I still have no idea why. I cried because I felt alone, and now I’m empty […]