It sounds strange I guess, but I want to cry. But I can’t. Don’t know why. I feel like sh¡t and I feel like its eating me alive inside. I cant take this. I don’t even think I can eat, which should be fine. I wish I could’ve stayed home today. I don’t ever want to get out of bed again.

I can’t find anything to live for. Or anyone. I’m so lonely. I can’t talk to anyone. I don’t want to bother anyone, but I don’t like this either.

I know I’m being stupid. There’s nowhere for me to go right now. So I’m just rambling […]

I’m tired.

I’m tired of living in this shaggy shack and call it a home.

A fucking home.

Even if you could bring and build tall walls and ceilings, the core would still be the same old shack.

A fucking shack.

Why do you even pretend to be partners, huh? Emotional abuse isn’t supposed to be part of relationship.

A fucking relationship.

Stop it. Just stop it. I hate living under this pretence of loving family.

A fucking family.

I hate sharing space with you, I loathe it actually, It feels like you’re in my head.

My fucking head.

I don’t even know what I’m mad at? Small living space or giant follies in your relationship.

I […]

Right, so backstory; I’ve been working as an electrical apprentice for about three and a half months. I’m on my second project, which involves working overnight in a Walmart, a sort of super department store we’ve got around here. Everyone who works there hates it, it is a massive pit of misery. I had been told I wouldn’t be required to work overtime or weekends, and here I am doing both….  so going in I probably wasn’t in the best mindset.

Third day on the project, third night up straight. I got decent sleep, was able to focus enough to play my favorite game Satisfactory, and […]

I was diagnosed about last Wednesday. I don’t even really know what to say to be honest. Except that I missed just being depressed. I got a scholarship to my first choice graduate school. Full ride. I was cautious about it. I was sure I would mess it up and end up having to pay the tuition. Then I went to Boston. It was great. Getting to see all the robotics company and a new city. Getting to meet people that had my same interest and that I could find that I could talk to. […]

I am afraid of harm.
I have grown wise about harm.
But I just found that when I perform it, the crippling pain leaves in a way and for a time while my wound remains.
I am scared of myself now.

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So my **** mother wants to spread everyone’s fucking business around, read through everyone’s personal shit, stick her fucking nose up everyone’s ass so she feels like her life is so fucking interesting. Lord knows she always fucking told me how much she treats others the way she wants to be treated, I’m more than happy to oblige and do the same for her.

The woman who gave birth to me molested me for years under the guise of “checking me for ringworm”. I don’t know everything, but I’m pretty fucking sure, you can’t feel ringworm inside the v*g. I’m pretty sure the ***** didn’t need […]

Behind those beautiful eyes

lies secrets

more deeper and darker

than the mysterious sea.

Behind that alluring smile

lies pain that you cant see.

But sometimes honesty is out of control

And so in the midst of dark,

there illuminates a magnificent soul .

She’s the type of women you will regret not fighting for

After all with a women like her by your side

You will feel as if anything is possible

She has such a strong desire to help you manifest your

visions just as much as her own

She has a burning desire to stay by your side – yes even if you have nothing

You will regret not keeping her

Some women are […]

All life exists for a period of time. So all life will die after who knows how much time. Will all life result in death with no exception? What if with the help of technology in the future we will live much longer. What if we could/will live in virtual worlds for very long amounts of time? Or maybe cyborgs will also be an option.

I don’t think it’s necessarily a guilty conscience – guilt is focused on the impact your actions have on others, and I can never know that. It’s probably more like shame. Although shame is usually centred around what others think of you, and apart from a couple of ex-therapists, no one knows.

The reality of it is, I have to look myself in the mirror every day, and know the things I’ve done (and the things a large part of me still wants to do.) And somehow live with myself. And I don’t know how to do that. Because my self-image feels unbearable to face up […]

today was really hard.

im on the midnight train to georgia

Never knowing when to get off. Missing the stop. Melodies on my ear. Don’t talk to me, I can’t hear. Not watching people, who are not watching me. My screen showing high definition, who needs reality.? Wearing a medical mask over my multiple other ones. More stackable than the bacteria that occupies my lungs. A beeping of a new sold ticket to hell. You’re one of us now, we don’t treat each other well. My bag holds my belongings, it deserves the rest it’s given. Nothing is forgiven, until we’ve all arrived. Seeing people better on the inside than looking in, gave me insight and […]

So I’m back home for the first time in 5 years. It’s so odd to think about where I was since I’d been gone. I’m actually having a good time back. I was in probably my absolute worst state of mind when I was here last time, and now, that seems so far away. I’m a different person now, and yet, some things never change…

I just needed to reflect. I’ve been lurking around this site for a long while at this point. I only hope that people here find closure, their resolution so to speak, however that may be. There are many good […]

Haven’t been here for a while. A good few years, I guess. Some things have changed. Got into a surprisingly healthy relationship. Cut ties with my folks and the fundamentalist cult we were a part of. I understand and care about things now.

If I’m being honest, though, lots of things haven’t. I’m still a cutter. Still on painkillers. Still too scared to stop someone from assaulting me. Still can’t get my shitty parents off my mind. Still occupying the same place in society.

And I can’t help but think of all the times I’ve been told “it gets better” and be angry. Suicidal people aren’t stupid, […]

Fading away into the light
Neurons firing
But still breaking
Sometimes quick
Sometimes slow
Sometimes sudden
Sometimes still
One way to birth
Million ways to die
What a beautiful fate
You can have so many demises
By yourself or others
Fate doesn’t discriminate
On what can happen to you

My eyes roll back, my tongue hardens, balling up in my throat.

I choke on my body, every finger feels alone. As if somebody is pouring their voice into my mind, humming a drone which washes over me like I’m being boiled alive, I reeel repeatedly, awash sans sensation save an echoing of separation.

Like a hand to the face, or a soft bucket of cold water, my senses return, the highways of mind occupy themselves once more.

Defenseless, totally vulnerable to otherworldly nothing, unreasonable in any fashion.

/~\\

(Abandoned places)

https://www2.ed.gov/about/offices/list/ocr/transition.html

https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/full/10.1177/1362361318816053?prg140729=e1da73fb-d096-44f6-b6c1-fe74d31d939d&

https://www.bmj.com/content/341/bmj.c3222

https://www.uptodate.com/contents/suicidal-ideation-and-behavior-in-adults/print

https://drjonicewebb.com/how-to-deal-with-your-emotionally-neglectful-parents/

https://www.wikihow.com/Accept-That-Your-Parents-Don%27t-Understand-You

https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pantone_448_C

https://www.dwihn.org

(here- […]

why have things been getting worse? they were looking up just a handful of weeks ago, i feel dreadful. i haven’t hyperventilated this much since i was in grade school, and i’m always on the brink of tears each hour of the day.

i don’t mean anything to anyone, how could i let my guard down and be tricked like that? i feel so dumb, so stupid! i don’t have anyone i could talk to, not even crisis people can help me. no one wants to be around me.

no one takes me seriously anymore when i say i’m sad, im sure as hell everyone thinks i’m […]

It seems to me that the overwhelming majority of the suffering that I’ve experienced  in my life comes from frustrated desire. From feeling or believing that something is really important and I should do something to attain it, yet simultaneously feeling or believing that it is beyond my reach. Beyond my reach, but not totally impossible. There’s just enough hope there that I can still torture myself with imagining that if I just found the right way, it could somehow be fulfilled. But never enough that it feels tangible, or really worth pursuing.

It’s such a waste of life and emotion. But I’ve never known how […]