TW: Childhood sexual abuse and physical abuse

I’d like to start off by stating that if childhood abuse nevertheless abuse towards a minor is a trigger for you this is not a story for you

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I’d like to start by stating that all this took place as a minor not an 18+ adult. Growing up my mother would drag me into bed on multiple occasions and become aggressively sexual towards me. There were times where she would come into my bedroom and touch me in places she had no right doing so. I’ve started reliving memories from 25 – 30 which is my current age so things […]

there isn’t any hope. I’m done trying to grapple with it, the economy is going to shit, having children isn’t going to become affordable. God, I tried, but now even my meager faith in him doesn’t stand up to the moment. If there is a God, maybe he’s doing an experiment in hands off management.

Which leads to the why, I’m getting there; last week I mentioned that during one of my darker moments I contemplated the many methods at my disposal. It was just a weather report as far as I’m concerned, I have no desire to decrease this temptation, and frankly it might be […]

It helps me when I’m suicidal to list little dumb things that make me last an extra 10 minutes. Try making your own list. Make it personal and stupid and something no one else would find inspirational. I’ll include mine as an example

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You haven’t been on a 19th century sail ship before. Or pooped in a golden toilet. Seen that one celebrity in real life before. Or that one famous painting. Or heard your favorite band live. What’s that one thing really like, in real life? What does frankensense smell like? What is it like to ride a Jetski? There are so many things you don’t know […]

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Like the title says. I work as a dishwasher and the past month, I haven’t been able to get to work on time and I’ve called in so many days. I don’t know how much longer I’ll have my job or get to keep my apartment and I’d rather not move in with family because I don’t even like not being able to go to the bathroom when I need to most or being woken up to eat at whatever times they decide to wake me up at. It’s a massive inconvenience, not counting the constant arguing with each other.

My family will treat […]

I’m not okay.

And it’s not even about happiness or sadness, for the matter. It is just life around that is filling me with this overwhelming feeling in my heart which I don’t know how to let go of. How can I feel at peace again? I don’t know. I just don’t know. The funny thing is that a part of me, doesn’t even want to know, yet I’m trying to look for words to put this commotion of thoughts into string of sentences I would never read again. Control. Is that what I aim for? Probably not. It is not really me. But again, who […]

I’ve been reading a lot to escape my thoughts and my feelings I used to hate reading and my sister loved it that’s how she coped with everything that happened with my dad  I never actually finished a chapter book until I turned 15 because she made me read her favorite book. But I can’t decide how I actually feel about the endings though, sometimes they are happy and I just think to my self it’s not realistic this isn’t how it’s going to be for me other times it makes me feel better gives me a little hope that everything will be ok. When […]

Maybe this life was never meant to be mine.

I live in a country that sees suicide as an act of rebellion . So there are laws to scare people from commiting suicide . One of those laws is that if I am not above the age of 21 . If I commit suicide my close family parents and older siblings will be held accountable for my “mistake” by paying stupidly large sums of fines and me and my parents have to at least be held inside a “psych ward” ( basically a prison ) until I am deemed to be “normal” again . I have been actively trying to commit suicide since I […]

My “doc” posted notes in an email today telling me that I am now diabetic.  This is a death sentence for those that don’t know much about it.  She seemed happy about the diagnosis, almost giddy, and decided to throw buckets of pills at me.  I told her “no, I am not interested”.  No pills or any other crap.  I am not going to spend the rest of my short and painful life taking pills and eating oatmeal and salads (gag).  This diagnosis is fine with me.  I am so done with this life.  I just want it to be over and I am too […]

It was a fine morning, I woke up with a good mood and me and my mother were joking together like any other. After I ate my breakfast, I wanted to stretch my body but my mother misunderstood and thought I won’t wash the dishes. I said, “I want to stretch my arms.” Then my aunt comments, “That’s her excuse.” My mother immediately replied, “Don’t involve yourself.” And then I couldn’t control my tears for the first time after finally getting control of my depression and anxiety. I rushed to the sink and washed the dishes, crying. My mother approached me and she said, “Thank […]

Satan rules this world. Do you agree or disagree? Why or why not?

My prostate pain is returning, along with symptoms of fibromyalgia. I’m not sure if I’m strong enough to go through another flare up, the last one lasted 4 months, I don’t care about anything besides sleeping and the prostate pain everything else is minor and I can live with.

Every year this damn thing comes around. While everyone loves my birthday because it falls on the 4th of July Holiday, it’s a mixed bag for me. I once loved it, back when I was a kid and I felt like I mattered in the world. Your family makes a big deal about it. For me, I had fireworks shot off every year. So you think it’s a deal. At least until you grow up enough to realize, you don’t matter. You’re really not important. Oh…and the the fireworks, they’re not for you.

I’ve long since cared about (my) birthdays. I don’t even honestly know how […]

Do you ever just get jealous about other people’s stable lives they are leading.? Yeah. Me too.

Not a fraud, not a bastard, I just don’t know what the word is I’m really looking for. Read on to learn more!

After a long period of disconnection due to obversable negative detrimental effects, I’ve gotten back on a dating app (this one seems less shit) because I know one of the reasons I have no fucking resilience is that I lack several key things required for human happiness (as I’m sure many here do), one of which is physical and interpersonal intimacy. But something’s different from last time. In addition to the expectation that nothing will come of any of the few conversations I […]

I had a revelation. I ask myself when I’m going to die and my mind gives me this answer. I think that I will die in a car crash accident when I’ll be 41. I’m 32 now.

The last two months have been pretty alright. The final demo went fine and we got a good grade. Honestly don’t think it deserved it, but I think I will never be able to accept praise regardless of what I actually produced. I’m always going to see it as a failure, no matter what the actual reality is. Point is it’s done. I graduated and got my Bachelors. Now on to graduate school.

Forgot if I mentioned this, but I got a scholarship from a big company. Full ride. Monthly stipend that would be enough to cover […]

I finished the book. Even tho I’m glad that they got happy ending, I imagined myself in that book with quite the opposite ending. I want to end it all, but i guess this kind of gave me? hope? i dont know. I wish Roman and Aysel were real. I wish i was friends with them. I wish we all could help eachother to the point we will think that we can be fixed. I wished I was with them at the moment. I wished i had someone like them. I wish things were different.