Saw my therapist this mornin. She let me know what my pill lady already diagnosed me as. So my diagnosis is schizoaffective and trichotillomania. Which im not suprised. Ive had trich ever since i was 7 and ive been told i was schizoaffective since i was 18yrsold. She wants to put me back on abilify again as well as some other meds, i wont know til fri. Fingers crossed its not weight gaining type meds.

I told my therapist about the diff types of shadow people that i see. Before then only my mom and Manny knew about my shadow people. So it felt good to […]

It’s destroying me. I can’t stand it anymore. I don’t have any friends, nobody to talk to, or laugh with. I had friends in the past, but since then i have isolated myself completely. The last time i spoke with someone that wasn’t my family was 1 month ago, and they were still just classmates. I don’t even remember the last time i had an irl conversation with somebody. The worst thing is that if i wanted i could reach out to somebody, but at this point it’s almost as i want to be alone just to feel sadder. For some reason it’s reassuring even […]

Slowly spiraling down this hole,

Drinking enough to make me feel whole.

Different men everyother week

Drinking enough to make my liver weak.

I don’t know what I’m doing, I’m just letting life pass me by,

I don’t know if I’ll find love, he’s just a love for the night.

I know it’s not right, but tonight I’ll get ready again

Take another shot, my nights about to begin.

Tear soaked whiskey they  keep on flowing, I wish they would just stop.

Taste my broken heart with every single drop.

Cause I’m spiraling doowwnnn

this rabbit hole called life

1

I’m always blamed without evidence.
I’m hated because of what I like.
My siblings get the support they want. While me on the other hand; Nothing. just pure nothing. In short terms, everything that happened in my life was unfair.

Funny that I’m still suffering from severe depression at age 15.

I got a new video game that really fires up my dopamine levels. My body has been the site of a battle between dopamine and serotonin for 28 years. Dopamine is the “getting things done” hormone, essential for energy and productivity, get too much and things get manic/anxious. Serotonin works the other direction, regulating sleep, hunger and repair activities. This is the only use I plan to put my science education to, using precise language when describing effects. No one cares, there are no assistantships for people passionate about hard science and good data collection methods.

Anyway, it’s the Hitman series of games, which involves a […]

I’ve only recently figured out I have an auto immune problem, I confirmed through a test, though I know I’m going to have many more tests run. I’ve had this pain (prostate, arthritis, pain in veins) since I was 24, off and on, the worst pain is in my prostate, it’s so bad I can’t imagine living like this for a long period of time, it’s called chronic non bacterial prostatitis.  Thankfully I found cures that kept it at bay but after a 5 year stint of drinking alcohol I think I’ve messed my gut up enough to where I think I’m stuck with this […]

I remember a time when I had dreams. I wanted to be happy. I wanted to build a home with you. With plants and pets and our little girl. I wanted to travel the world with you. Walk through Rio. Stay up all night at the beach and talk and laugh and enjoy life or even just sit there and look at the stars. I wanted to celebrate our successes. Have you there the day I get my bachelor’s degree and be there the day you open your first business. I even wanted to experience the bad sides of life with you. Cry in your […]

So my old friend Manny back from doc bootcamp days, has decided he wanted to cut ties with me yet again. I was giving logical advice/answers to a “argument” he had with another friend and he didnt like that i didnt enable him n feed into his jaded thoughts of the situation. Im like bruh i dont see anything wrong with what your friend was saying to you in this whole text. But what i did see was you alienating him, baffling him, sabotaging your new job and beating him socially with your mental illness.

Well that set a fire with him cuz it wasnt a […]

I want to thank everyone here for all the support over the years, thank you for giving me a safe place.
I’m going to finish this life off tonight, hopefully in a peaceful sleep.
I have my reasons, some old, some new, but ultimately I’m not made for this life except to be a catalyst of negative reactions.
My friend of many names, I do love you as you are the best friend I have had, you have been there for me through so many struggles and helped me pull through till now. I’m afraid I must go. Thank you. All the hugs […]

MY MIND IS THE WORST!

I wish I could stop overthinking everything. I hate that I always make a mountain out of a molehill (sometimes even an anthill). It’s summer vacation but I’m still full of worries and I can’t tell whether or not they’re valid because I’m just too detatched from reality at this point.

Why am I so goddamn insecure? Why does my mind feel the need to compare me to others and make me feel infinitely inferior to them? Is it really accurate to think that I’m incredibly stupid, repulsively ugly, and undesirable in every way to be around? My insecurities are so awful […]

I’m really struggling.  I’m not sure what to do any more.  I’ve done the best that I can do.  I’m sad and lonely and pathetic.  Not even shock therapy can help me.  I’m not sure why I even would have holed any hope.  It’s so stupid.  I’m so smart in some ways but not any way that matters.

I’ve promised myself I will keep going until September.  I’m not sure I can keep that promise.  As long as I’ve done my best, I can leave feeling happy and satisfied knowing I’ve tried everything.

People need people.  I have no one.  No matter what I do, I’ll always […]

Hi, my name is Jamie and I am plagued with suicidal ideation. My first hit was when one of my parents died when I was 6. I was molested as a child before I was 8 which caused me to wet the bed during my entire childhood and even early adulthood.

When I was 14, the dark cloud had progressed due to physical and emotional abuse from my one remaining parent. I almost called Child Protective Services but something told me they do not have kid’s best interest at heart. It was a serious threat, so my parent called a relative to talk to me and […]

I’m a young adult and should be enjoying my 20’s going on a trip with my friends or dating a girlfriend.

I don’t and Instagram keeps reminding me of the fact that my 20’s is never going to look like what I expected it to be. What am I even doing in my life? My only friend is someone who still likes me more than friends and I can’t sever ties with him because I’m selfish and don’t want to be left alone. My college friends don’t really care about each other and my high school friends are so distant I don’t think I’ll ever feel […]

I had a terrible dream last night. It’s where I had a new girlfriend that is way more abusive than my ex. It was awful. Being miserable and abused in real life and when I’m unconscious.

I love my friends, and they say they love me – but for some reason part of me can’t believe them. I just want their attention – I give so much time to listening to their interests and passions but it feels like when it comes to mine I’m just not listened to.

I should be happy with my friends, I don’t know why I’m so miserable just because my needy ass isn’t getting attention… I’m pathetic.

My looks can’t be called conventionally handsome, I don’t have chiseled jawline or symmetry. People are mean to me most of the time. I am always treated differently. My looks and social skills both suck. I am probably the least liked person in a room. I went to a subreddit called r/amIuglybrutallyhonest and posted my pic. My pic got downvoted to -2 and almost everyone said I needed plastic surgery and I should feel ugly. Only one person said I look somewhat average. I feel like shit ever since. I wish I could be at least average looking. Btw if anyone wants to see,

Yeeeeah I’m a broken record.
I just want to be gone…
My ex isn’t really worth my thoughts. Why would I have wanted to spend my life with such a judgemental person? The world is full of those .
Did I relate to him, really really? I think it was a facade and an illusion…

I have this person I seem to talk to on a daily basis. I’m just sorry about all the suffering he goes through. I can’t help anyone anyway. Just be there…

Again though, this is the only place I can really talk about suicide. Online. Another website as well. People just don’t […]

Odd that I find more comfort here than talking to people in real life about my problems.

Does anyone feel like no matter what you do or what you say people just don’t like you? I’m tired of trying to please people