if I hate myself before they do, then they won’t have to

I wont have to hear it from them, but I can read their mind, everyday, them talking through my head: “you’re such a piece of shit, hopefully I won’t ever have to deal with you again”

You can’t really have both at once. When you are depressed nothing matters to you and everything is pointless. When you are anxious everything matters and it’s all so big and important. Yesterday wasn’t so bad at work. In the morning I felt horrible anxious and I felt like talking to anyone was this big ordeal. Whenever the managers were talking and saying “Well he saw this” or “He said such and such” and pointed at me when talking about the results I found from the task they asked me to do, I felt awful. I thought “why is […]

I just told my girlfriend it feels like she wished I would just stop existing

She said “yeah I kinda do”

Doesn’t get much more clear than this. My dad has told me the same thing before. I’m sure most others feel this way, if the closest people in my life wish I wasn’t around. With billions of people on the planet, maybe some aren’t meant for connection. Just as there’s always an exception, maybe I’m just the perfect recipe for something that no one wants.

I don’t know. Can anyone help me make sense

Have you ever been in love?
I am almost 30 now and I have fallen in love with 3 women through my life, none of whom loved me back. Why would they? I am an empty shell of man with no real personality to speak of. I live my life in a sort of emotional stasis unable to truly connect with others in this world that feels more like a dream to me than an actual reality.
Soon I will leave a job I’ve worked at for years and no one there will miss me or care that I’ve gone at all for I was […]

(Song)

(other than death)

Absent minded

Today i actually had a pretty awesome day! Me and my best friend went to a local community center which caters to those who enjoy making music. We played guitar, piano, drums, and sang karaoke on stage. We even ate this delicious party rice they ordered in, and i must say that it was the most fun i’ve had in awhile

But in the midst of having all this fun i noticed myself becoming absent minded and i started feeling depressed. I suddenly had all these negative thoughts in my head such as: ”they probably don’t like me and think im weird” …”my singing on […]

I don’t want to die enough to do it impulsively. Maybe I never will. My inhibitions are simply too strong. I think the only way I’d get there is if I can convince myself fully that it’s the best choice, then slowly but consistently build up to the act itself.

But it’s hard to know how to find that kind of conviction. In terms of consequences, I believe it would devastate my family, especially my mother (she’s way too invested in my wellbeing.) It’s hard to see how they’d get over it. They definitely don’t deserve to go through that. And obviously the impact of death […]

‘do not drink with alcohol! ‘

Some times on the weekends, when I’m drinking, I’ll have an energy drink.

The way I’m doing it, the chances of anything happening is slim. But maybe one night, I’ll have one drink too many.

Drinking accident vs suicide *shurgs shoulders* I can’t see much of a difference. I probably wouldn’t even be drinking (or at least as much as I do) if I wasn’t suicidal.

I’ve read a lot. People just sharing their stories, stories I’ve gone searching for. Everything I’ve read has 1 thing in common. They’re barely, and in most cases not even aware that they’re dying. Unconsciousness is bliss.

This emptiness been weighing down lately… No feelings, nothingness filling through the mind body & soul. Contemplating has no effect. People you know wouldn’t try to understand.. but rather would be quick to judge. My intuition is quite sharp to notice. Even the slightest difference in people body language, looks or the way they talk.. I’ve always known but stupidly tried to do something different.. guess my demon’s are pulling me back. To that dark place.. went through every type of emotions you can speak of.. I’m quite paranoid anyways even when I know I’m right.. lol guess I took the listening to the heart. […]

Its been years since I’ve been on this site. I was too much of a coward to go through with actually killing my self back then. Over the past few years my life got better and the suicidal thoughts subsided for a while. Now My life is collapsing around me once again and once again it is all my fault. I have failed at everything meaningful in life but I’m still to afraid to do what should have been done years ago. It should be so easy to simply pick up that revolver and kill myself but I am so scared of the tiny chance […]

I’m in the middle of an anxiety attack. I have exactly 11 hours and 23 minutes until I need to be at my job. It shouldn’t be this hard for a regular person. It should be fine. But I am broken. I am not well. I’m thinking about trying therapy again. I’ve been in and out of therapy god knows how many times. It doesn’t work. Because I don’t put the work in. I think though if I offer to pay this time, maybe my parents will be more receptive. I don’t want to […]

It was 2013, I wanted to die, planned the attempt precisely but when it came to that final nudge, I couldn’t do it. It was 2014, I wanted to die, I got myself into a very hostile environment, I said to myself maybe I would get lucky! The hostile environment kicked me out! 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019 saw me getting treated for depression! I was sectioned that means (I was forcibly admitted to hospital due to a high risk of harming myself), worst experience ever! Over the years I got treated privately (expensive) and through regular channels. 7 medication schemes later, no improvement. Stopped them […]

that’s what i’m thinking. almost every day. that i won’t make it. the closest to the opposite of that that i sometimes repeat to myself is “i can do it”. those aren’t mutually exclusive.

being happy isn’t hard for me. neither is being calm. but i find it impossible to enjoy anything.

i just keep trying to distance myself from the world, from all the nonsense, but i am just left feeling numb.

i’ve been wondering what could be wrong with me. after i learned to be happy, i noticed that i still lacked confidence. but this – i have no clue what this is. i don’t know […]

so i met up with this caseworker for a 2nd time now n scheduled a 3rd meeting. Still answered questions n signed papers cuz i have to do these 3 meetings before i actually get an appt to see a therapist n psychiatrist. They sent out record requests to the hospitals i was in but since alot of my hospital stays were 20yrs ago, the records at rogers were no longer available. Fingers crossed they get the 1s from winnebago so they can atleast get alil insight and find out what my last diagnosis was. 

But yea it was nice talkin to her for 2hrs again […]

I don’t know why I want to tell this story, I guess it’s just a part of what happened to me, and while it’s not a terribly happy story it can not be erased, and I wouldn’t erase it if I could since at least something good came of it.

I put it on the next page so I could provide a trigger warning here, I kept it kind of vague but there is some sexual content to be wary of.

I’m in the darkest place right now. I can’t trust myself, I feel like at any given moment I am going to do something that I will forever regret. I’m triggered by this anger that I can no longer control. I’m tired of dealing with bullshit I’m tired of just simply breathing. I’m so angry and I know this anger isn’t going to go away anytime soon. Seeing a psychologist is not helping at all and this anger only seems to be getting worst. My biggest regret is ever agreeing to marry a piece of shit abuser narcissistic ************!!! Maybe this time he will kill […]