I’m so tired I would hit the ground like a slate of marble if it all hit at once
Let’s be honest here: we’re all screwed up as humans. The modern world moves at the speed of light, and we lose more and more of what really matters. We take pills to sleep and be happy. We talk to strangers about our feelings. We hide ourselves away online. We text instead of call. More and more, we’re disconnected from people and community.
So, here we are with another decade. What BS will come out of this one? Work-life balance is one from 2010s that circulated a lot. There’s always been this sort of crap in ever decade since the 1960s (if we’re thinking about being […]
I’ve never been homeless. I’ve never been an orphan. However I am emotionally homeless, as I have yet to find a place that completely feels like home. Although I am still grateful for how close I’ve come to feeling home. I am emotionally an orphan, as those that I thought were my parents… Never really loved me. Although I am still grateful for the family I have made.
I am emotionally homeless. I am emotionally an orphan. And it still hurts. While I will not compare it to actually being as I have never been, that does not make the pain I feel from both any […]
Just read over my YouTube comment history and realized how bad my personality disorder is
i’m writing a paper and i just realized i’d rather be dead than doing this. i’ve written just over a page in twelve hours bc i can’t concentrate and it’s such a stupid reason to want to die?? bc i can’t focus and get distracted like a fucking squirrel or something? and now instead of writing my paper i’m putting all this time and effort into making this account and venting to no one bc i don’t know how to tell my mom that i want to die so fucking bad bc i can’t write this paper that i’ve been procrastinating for a week bc […]
as long as I can remember, I’ve been fascinated by death. Not usually so much in that I will die someday, though I always supposed that I would. I lost a caregiver at a young age. For some reason it still bothers me that no one told me she was sick until she was already gone. She was my great aunt, and is probably responsible more than anyone wants to talk about for who I became. She was an opera singer, spent a few years doing that in Germany, then settled down with her lawyer husband. Her daughter couldn’t have kids of her own, so […]
Light at the end of the tunnel for my depression is still non existent. I feel like I just should of gone through with my plan. the only thing that stopped me was keeping a promise to my wife who had told me 2 days before that she was leaving me, go figure. There is light at the end of the tunnel for a plan after I leave here. I will be going to a residential facility for about two weeks or as long as the insurance allows. After that I am planning to do EMBR therapy with my therapist here. […]
How? I don’t know. I just have this feeling… I know I deserve to feel better. But I don’t like feeling better. It feels like I’m forcing myself to feel better just so I can meet my parents expectations.
I try to tell myself… “I’m fine”. I seem fine from another person’s perspective, I think. More or less. Or maybe not… I don’t know. I feel wrong. I still have thoughts about… well. “What if I just tripped and fell down the stairs, “By accident”. Nobody would miss me, right?” “In 5 years? In 20 years? Will it be anything different than if I just, ACCIDENTALLY happen […]
How fake and plastic everything is? I was on YouTube, and there was this “Humans of Earth Day” promotion. I didn’t see people doing things for their community and helping create sustainability. I saw people selling “sustainable” products (=expensive), showing off about fooling people with plant based meat alternatives, and bragging about how Green and Vegan they are. I felt so frustrated and demoralized. This is constant. The Internet has made us all plastic. We don’t DO anything. We just compete for attention. Those videos were made for views, likes, and subscriber counts. There was nothing honest about it. It’s all mindless bragging and showmanship. […]
Opened up YouTube (not logged in) and this was in my face. Decided to give it a listen then decided to share.
So I had to split from my ex wife with BD/BPD again after 4 months and I made the mistake of texting her yesterday and telling her I will unblock her in a year. Well I let her text me back and got a big pity party from her like usual. I know she was trying to suck me back in and she is good at it. I had to block her then again. I haven’t got past it yet and can’t stop thinking about her. All the pain came back on me also. She is very good at the intermittent reinforcement and I feel […]
I seem to be on a never ending alienate spree towards my friends. I keep reminding myself to stop unloading my emotional drama baggage in their inboxes but i cant seem to stop myself. Almost like 1 of those social vampires and then like a dumbass i wonder why no1 will talk to me. Like dammit just stop it, stop what you are doing, you are killing them (not literally). But a part of me is on autopilot and is like well since we are at rock bottom lets just keep going til we see hell. I just feel so sorry for any1 who tries […]
I’ve been a lurker on this site for a while, and just now decided to post. I don’t know how many other “helpful” sites I’ve been to that tell me to think positively. Get out there and do your best. You just need to keep trying. I just want to scream SHUT UP! JUST SHUT UP AND LISTEN TO ME! I don’t want your platitudes! I don’t want your fortune cookie nonsense! I want to be heard! I want to be seen! JUST LISTEN TO ME! I’m in pain. I’m lost. I’m confused. I feel hopeless. BECAUSE I AM HUMAN!!!! AND I FEEL PAIN!! I […]
I spend a large part of each day trying to remember why I’m still alive. It slips away from me so fast, and all I’m left with is the nagging sense that everything is wrong. The isolation, the loneliness, the longing, the fear. Things are not ‘ok’, and it’s unlikely they will ever be ‘ok’ again. They’re just not bad enough (yet) to overcome the terror of death. And until that changes, all I can do is prepare, and try to make things as easy for myself as I can. The problem is keeping that clear in my mind, when a large part of my […]
never in my life have I found a community like this one, a community so unapologetically open about their pain. it’s such a breath of fresh air. i feel.. so much less alone when i read & write here. the ability to share my story, my struggles, my feelings, and my trauma here has saved me. the thing about trauma is that it’s so taboo, i can never talk about it. i have to keep it shoved away in a lock box- but not here. here i can scream, and cry, and experience my unrelenting rage with no shame. here, i get to struggle.
i get […]
This Sunday, it will be one whole month since the day that I thought would be my last. I got prescribed a drug by my therapist this Monday. Olanzapine, I’m supposed to take it every night. It feels weird. I thought that taking medicine would make me feel even worse but now I don’t really care, I just swallow the pill.
If anything, I miss having a normal life. I miss being able to call someone and have fun whenever I wanted to. I miss studying. I miss having something to do, and people to care about. I know my limits, though… I won’t try to […]
I’m literally getting closer and closer to doing it. My plan was to graduate college first, but God damn it, I’m this close to saying fuck it and just throwing myself off of a building. I don’t want to do this anymore. I am so fucking tired of being alive, putting effort into shit that doesn’t make me even mildly content. I’d say I wonder how everybody else does it, but I can’t muster up the desire to care. I don’t care about anything anymore.
I go through my days miserable. Sometimes I’m considering if it would really be all that easy to step in front […]
Sleep evades me tonight. It is almost two in the morning so it is either a late day eight or an early day nine. Luck evades me as well. I complained about the sleep and requested the prescribed medication. However when they took my blood pressure it was too low for them to allow the medication. Not mad at the nurses. They are doing their best to help. Just mad at the overall situation still.
Even though it looks like I have a plan for two to three weeks of residential treatment when I get out of here and EMBR therapy when […]