My relationship didnt work out cuz i completely shut down and went ghost. I cant handle havin anyone like me back, but my dumbass will be like months from now “why dont men like me?” Because thats just the demented vicious cycle i seem to be trapped in no matter how much i try to break it. But whatever.

Me and my kids spent mothers day at milwaukee zoo. Was a great day, i luv animals so much and always wanted to work in a zoo or be a marine biologist. Being busy made me feel like our life was “normal” again. Reality didnt set in […]

If I had an infinite amount of time and words I couldn’t summarize my life any better than that.  Nothing.

The worst pain that can be is internal pain… the one in your mind that interferes with years, days, months. If you just feel like you can’t live but can’t end your life. I always get this feeling that a can’t live but something always interferes. You feel alone because no one’s next to you listening to the troubles. No one will comfort you if you get hurt. It’s hard….. I know.

my nightmares have gotten worse.  my fear of being asleep is debilitating.  it’s getting harder and harder to remind myself that i’m being excessively paranoid about things that are “unlikely” or some shit.  i’m convinced that i’m constantly in danger.  i don’t like being asleep because it means i can’t defend myself or my family.  i don’t like not being in control of my surroundings.  i want barbed wire on the fence.  i want a taser.  i want a full, realtime security system where there’s a security agent constantly watching the cameras and who will call 911 when something is happening.  i want to be […]

I wish I had the guts to kill them. I wish I had it in me. They were allowed to be abusive throw shit at and smack and threaten and terrorize me all they want while they hold my ssc an other crap hostage on me and force me to work for them as cheap labor and shove me around telling me what worthless shit I am all the manipulative crap and everything else while they get away with it all and not a god damn thing out there gives a shit. I hate how fucking low I went to make money under their noses, […]

It’s been a while since I shared a song. I’ve been thinking about this one for the past week.

It’s really typical to say, but I really connect to this one.

I’ve been back home since Friday. I don’t like it here. I miss being by myself. Being alone. Being alone is safe. It’s lonely and I feel lonely, but being alone no one can touch you. Being around my parents and my brother is hard. When I’m alone I feel safe. I stay in my room a lot. I don’t like being in such […]

I hate even talking about it because I am scared I will convince others to feel the same as me. My thinking is wrong I guess so don’t follow me. I am 27 now I’ll be 28 soon. I grew up being hopeful so hopeful and happy like I had the world I could go anywhere I had the feeling like things will go up and I still have things to do.

I was listening to music from 2011 not even sad music and I just started sobbing. I remembered how happy I was I really think I was so happy then. But each year after […]

This is part of the reason I need to take a break for the time being. I don’t have a voice. I can’t do what I want.

Example. I want to purchase a phone. But I can’t or should I say won’t. I’m not sure if he’d have a problem with it. But whenever I try to do something he’s always pointing out what’s ‘wrong with it’. I’m not a child. Don’t do that. So I don’t want to hear it and end up just not bothering. In my current relationship dynamic I do not feel like an equal.

I don’t have the energy in me to build up these really strong emotions any more.  Most of the time I’m apathetic.  I think sometimes it’s better to feel strongly even if it’s negative because it can maybe drive you towards doing something different.  I feel defeated.

Yesterday was my birthday, I’m 39, and I’m still alone. Work in the ER with no support system has finally messed me emotionally up beyond fixable. I have wanted to end it periodically for at least 15 years. I have wished I was never born most of the time since my earliest memories. Now I am actively wishing for accidents and disease and constantly thinking about methods. The primary reason is a lifelong monstrous, crippling and all pervasive anxiety and low self esteem reinforced by an endless stream of abusive and unfeeling people. My work in an extremely hostile environment is just fuel on the […]

I miss him. I miss him so much, even though it’s been months since he passed. He was such a gentle, kind, yet energetic and crazy doggo.

I’ve had him ever since I can remember, he’s been there for me for my whole childhood. It might sound weird, but he was like a sibling to me. No, more than that. If a dog could be a soulmate, then he was mine.

In a way, he lived through similar things like me. He experienced some of my parent’s abuse, he was there for me when they argued or when I got yelled at.

When I was around 12 or 13, […]

I don’t understand why…
I guess it’s true that they will only miss you when you leave.
What do I even do?
I don’t deserve all this good treatment I’m getting. I don’t deserve anything at all.
I wish everyone would stop trying to help me and just leave me alone.
Is it that hard?
Is it? Is it that hard to just leave me alone and let me die… They are always so curious about me. They want to know what I do, what I want to do, how I feel, what I like, what I don’t like.
Why? Why is anyone interested in […]

If it was easy I would have done it already. It’s not piece of cake because the survival instinct is hard for me to overcome, almost impossible

I’ve never cared much for meaningless ad hominem adjectives.  My story is more one told by a sadist.

I often wonder how much of my life was actually within my control.  Sure, I make choices every day… but is there anything I could have done differently to not end up here, or is this the best I could have done?  I don’t have any specific regrets and I’ve always tried to make the best decisions I could have.

I don’t get to go back and live another life without going through the trauma I did and see how I would have turned out.  Or what I would […]

I hate myself. I love myself. Either way, I’m self-obsessed. A strange kind of narcissism. I find myself unable to simply be around others. I cannot help observing myself in their responses, and am appalled by what I see. How pathetic and worthless must I seem, for them to slight me in such a way?

The truth is that there is rarely any judgement involved. I am simply another background character in their play, as they are in mine – a dark blur moving briefly through their awareness. I know this – rationally I know this. Yet I can’t switch it off – this hyper-awareness of […]

https://youtu.be/QLLY0UYsNDo

i want to take a trip through the stars. i want to know who i am.

I have a really hard time relating to and understanding people and their feelings, for whatever reason (one therapist thought I might have autism). I don’t seem to feel love or intimacy or emotional connection to the same extent that others do, and empathy is a struggle. I’ve been in a few relationships, but after several months it always got to the point where the emotional demand was simply too exhausting and overwhelming. I’ve also pretty much given up on finding a “dream job”, if such a thing even exists —  I can’t really imagine what that might be.

Meanwhile, it’s hard to think that we’ll […]

I don’t really feel like I am heard now, so to be heard no more will not make a difference.  There is absolutely something to look forward to knowing the certainty of it.  If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to hear it does it still make a sound?  If a person cries out for help and no one hears them are they still in pain?  It makes me feel pathetic sometimes that I have to pay someone to listen to me.  At the same time, I would choose to not listen to me either so I sort of understand […]

Hubby leaves today for the next 9 days, I still have my daughter but she has school so there’s some quiet time for me to do whatever (while working at home anyways). Hubby keeps asking if I’ll be okay for a week while he is gone. I have considered ending it while he is away, especially considering I have to return to the office afterwards, but I know I won’t, primarily because I don’t want to traumatize my daughter like that, even if she isn’t the one that would find me, I’m sure it would give her a fear of leaving anyone alone. I just look forward […]

I think it finally happened. I think that part of my brain has finally clicked. So today was my last day of the semester. The presentation happened and nobody said anything about it. Summer has started. But my anxiety is still here. My depression comes in waves usually. Once all the difficult stuff is done with (finals, work, stuff with my parents), I find some sort of relief in it being over. When those times come I’m able to look at myself in the mirror and not completely hate myself. I’m able to smile when I […]