I have been angry before. I’ve even had rage before. Never before tonight have I had the urge to hurt someone else. I held it down long enough to quickly escape to the shower where I released my rage on my face and the wall. I’m out now, I have two black eyes, a sore jaw, and multiple busted knuckles. It temporarily satisfied the monster inside me..I don’t know when it will come out again….

You’re on all sides. Speaking to me. Watching me. Breathing in my ears. I can feel you. I can hear you. You’re telling me I am not worth a shit. I believe you. I am not.  Imminent fear. Impending doom. My heart beating through my chest, the inability to catch my breath. I want out. I am weary of this, I am weary of doctors, I am just weary. The weight of the world is on my shoulders, and I am collapsing. Free me. Through death. Slit my throat, jump from a high bridge to an unforgiving surface below, overdose. Free me. You’re inviting me […]

Life isn’t for everyone
I’ve been having suicidal thoughts since I was 8 years old
I remember it clearly
The first time I said “I want to die” like it was a first kiss
I didn’t care about boys and school
I was busy being bullied and witnessing abuse and alcoholism
I’ve felt like an outcast all my life and still do
The only thing I look forward to is death
It’s a consistent feeling every day that will always be in the back of my mind
Life isn’t for everyone and that’s okay
I don’t want to be saved
I don’t want any help

I hate this world so much, there is no point of being alive on a planet that makes you miserable. I don’t understand why I can’t just be happy, but I don’t want to feel like this all the time. suicide just seems like the best answer.

On Friday I reported a coworker who was borderline harassing me and making me feel uncomfortable. And I keep going back and forth on if I should’ve reported them or not. And honestly it’s making me more and more anxious and depressed because now I wish I just didn’t exist so this problem wouldn’t exist and I know the easiest way out of this, but I can’t take that exit because itd make others very sad. And I’m just at the point where it takes very little to have me have those thoughts. It’s not even just wanting to cut myself to calm down it’s […]

I just got off the phone with my college’s helpline. For whatever reason I thought It would make me feel better to empty my head. I usually come here for that, but I felt the need to hear a real person speaking back. I wasn’t in any particular distress. I’m actually somewhat calm right now. I have a lot of things to do, and have deadlines coming up for various things, but I spent the whole day sleeping. I just felt like sleeping, so I did. Anyways, for whatever reason I decided to call these people, just to […]

I put the band aid on my wrist myself
Because no one will put it for me

It looks cute
It looks sad too

Deeper
More deeper
Until the bleed cant stop anymore

Like this
Like that
I always imagine myself to die

But Im still here
As always

That’s what it really comes down to, I want to know that they will be okay without me but they won’t let me go.
It’s ironic considering I feel like the side character in everything, I’m not the loved one, not hated, just there, in the background and forgotten, playing a role that doesn’t affect the main storyline. Not the person you think to invite to any occasion but might be there with someone more important. Why won’t you let me let go?

…and the ammo. Kthnx.

I’m so tired of pushing everyone I love away, I don’t get how can I be so scared to be lonely yet I push away everyone that cares about me and has a big part in my life. It sucks to not understand your own feelings, it sucks to loose yourself slowly and not knowing who you are anymore after so many years of suffering in silence
i just wish I could be the person everyone expects me to be, but I’m nothing more than a big failure in everything.
I don’t want to be too negative. Maybe it does get better, maybe life gets […]

Every day its the same thing, a deep pain inside of me that pushes me to have no motivation or will to live. It just keeps getting harder. All the people in my town are stuck up and have huge egos. No one ever cares. It is so hard to live in a world where everyone can just betray and ridicule me. I don’t want to be on this planet but I don’t want to be selfish either. No one understands how much they hurt me and they continue to step all over me. One day I will believe things are getting better and be […]

It wasn’t so long ago (if you think about it) that lobotomy was encouraged as a method to treat depression and other mental health issues. There’s a lot of mental health issues that still have no appropriate treatment, and there’s no help guaranteed. I’ve only recently become aware that when it comes to psych drugs, everything’s a gamble.

The doctors don’t entirely know what is going to help or what is going to happen as a result of SSRIs. In my case, Zoloft triggered anhedonia and left me with both insomnia and no positive emotions.

I’m sat here after 6 months of suffering trying to figure out […]

They’re always the worst kind. Well, I’m doing my best to bust up the routine, smash all the edges and see where all the pieces land. I usually feel more human when I’m in a fresh mold with fresh possibilities. The trick is to keep the momentum going. I’ve been there before, got some progress along the path in front of me, but I always seem to wind up in a ditch because of something I’d rather not loose or a feeling I’d really like to get back. Life doesn’t work like that. I have to keep telling myself that the only way out of […]

Fear of suffering. That’s my primary drive and motivation. But if that’s the case, why isn’t ending it the rational choice? If there’s probably no existence beyond death, and probably no monotheistic God to punish me, and probably nothing I could do to avoid such punishment anyway, then…why am I enduring this? I’m suffering, and my suffering only gets worse as I age, and continuing to live risks exposure to really terrible suffering.

But part of me is resistant to that logic. I fear death. This animal wants to survive, and replicate. Even though death is inevitable, and replication extremely unlikely.

Suicide seems the obvious choice, at […]

How do you see your life? Be honest, not to me, but to yourself. Close your eyes, take a deep breath and just think. These thoughts are something you never have to share, and might alter your viewpoint on the world slightly.  But, maybe not. I’m just curious how we’ve evolved to a world of depression and suicide. For anyone reading this, they have something. Access to a computer, a smart-phone or a tablet what have you. The ability to read English and thus more-than likely write it. For some this is a blessing, a privilege that a majority of the world can’t say they […]

This is my story about why I almost killed myself back in late November of 2019. Most of the time when we hear suicide we get this idea of someone doing it because they want “the pain to stop” or they feel that suicide is the only way out. Well, that’s not why I almost killed myself. I did it out of sheer guilt. A little backstory as to what lead to this was that I had a friend that I unintentionally made feel uncomfortable multiple times throughout the fall semester of my junior year at college. Nothing that I did was sexual in any […]

Chen, if on the off chance you are reading this, you probably want to skip this one. It’s embarrassing for both of us.

I love this song. Recently a friend mentioned how much she loves this series when we went to hang out. She said that the main character has relatable qualities. Anxiety, impostor’s syndrome, social issues. I wanted to feel a bit closer to her, so I decided to watch the anime. I binged it and now I am on the manga. The character is so charming and sweet. It’s hard to watch though. […]

I don’t think it’s going to go away anymore. This feeling of despair and anxiety has taken root. It will not leave me. For the next two days my college will be having a career fair. I went last year. Over the course of those two days last year, I actually felt confident about my chances. Then it came time to apply and I dragged my feet as usual and only ended up applying to around 3 or 4 of the 9 companies I talked to. None of them offered me an internship. I think the motivation […]

I have been ill a very long time.
As time goes by I developed severe brain pain and more. Almost 2 decades. It’s become unbearable. I have no life to speak of. Doctors have been useless.
I am wanting to look at possible alternatives to dying that are not very painful.

I don’t remember how many times I set out to kill myself. I do it by not eating. I still drink water. I do it like this because I think if I can will myself not to eat for 30+ days or however long it takes, then it means I really do want to die. Three times I didn’t eat for over 20 days. I gave in and ate because someone convinced me to, but now there’s no one like that around anymore. So I think this time I will really make it.
I’m transgender and a pornstar and an escort. I started doing sex […]