even when im hysterically laughing, i can feel the pain, the sadness that’s hidden deep inside of me. ill never be able to get rid of this depression, even when im finally happy. now its time to come to terms with it.
I’ve made connection with others impossible. Because of the things that I’ve done, and seen, and cultivated within myself. Nobody could see the truth about me and still want anything to do with me. At least, no one morally sane. No one I would want in my life.
Evil is an emotive term. Let’s say that I’m sick. I’ve made myself sick. I’ve grown this side of myself that finds pleasure in wickedness. And I don’t think that’s something that’s ever going away. It’s not something you can unlearn. It’s a key part of reality – once you’ve seen it, you can’t forget.
The things I’ve seen, […]
You see, that’s the thing. You’ll always be there for your friends when they need you, but where are they when you need them? I mean, they might be there temporarily, but then one by one they disappear. Just one, by, one. I feel myself slipping again, like I always do in the fall. I have no motivation, I’m coping unhealthily and I just sort of feel numb. I want to feel something. I have a lot of love to give the world but no one to give it to. And that’s the thing.
im so tired-
Even as I began to feel happy, or at least not depressed; even as I began to have hope for the future, and dreams to work towards, I still was not able to ward off my suicidal urges. Even with so much going right, I still just wanted to die.
I always knew if things got bad, I had a different safety net too. Not just the safety net of death anymore, but a safety net to return home to a comforting, loving family whom I miss dearly even to this day.
But with just a few simple words, that safety net was taken away
Now that […]
I can feel it in the back of my throat. I’m going to throw up. I need to face the consequences. I present today and I need to face it. I can’t run. I’ll probably throw up soon. I called a suicide hotline yesterday. Never done that before. While I was getting connected, they played a jingle. I thought how odd it would be for someone holding a gun to their head or on the top floor of a parking garage to hear. She sounded for mechanical and subdued. To be fair to her, […]
I can feel that sickening sensation again, where I’m sinking, drowning again. It happens so quickly, everything seems like it’s bearable at least and then my subconscious starts to haunt me and I get pulled under again.
I’ve been having very vivid dreams lately, not necessarily nightmares, but they are tugging at my insecurities and breaking me down inside.
There is no escape from yourself.
I don’t want to go on this ride again.
I’m trying desperately to hold on but like water over a cliff I keep falling.
I wish I could leave things be, but I’m so fixated on being the best possible friend I can be and a part of that is to make sure I’m there every minute of every day for people when I don’t in fact need to be
I think I’m just scared that if I don’t make my effort, I’ll be forgotten. Because that’s what all my experiences have been like.
Too often do I find myself thinking no one misses me. I don’t think anyone has truly reached out to me in years. No one knows where I am at mentally. No one cares. […]
“Woe to you, scribes and Pharisees, hypocrites! For you are like whitewashed tombs which indeed appear beautiful outwardly, but inside are full of dead men’s bones and all uncleanness. Even so you also outwardly appear righteous to men, but inside you are full of hypocrisy and lawlessness.
Me and God may not see eye to eye, but I totally get what the old sage was on about in this passage. I can understand that sentiment so well it makes me nauseous.
Failure is only noticed when it affects other people. Instead of pointing out my failures, why can’t people just let me fade into obscurity? Leave me alone, leave me to my own devices, leave me with a knife, a gun or anti freeze, arsenic, SOMETHING! Don’t point out my failures. Even the ones that affect other people. Leave me be. Leave me alone with my thoughts, alone to conjure up methods to try. Hell I’m such a failure I can’t even kill myself correctly. I’ve tried 10 times at least. I’ve overdosed on everything I have access to. I mean major overdose.
Been suicidal my entire life, in pain and tried very hard to get better, tried everything in my power. I got everything I need to go – I am just feeling a bit guilty but they will move on, how do I face the fear of it and get on with it? Scared of parents finding out or if I survive and they will be angry again, call me bad things agsin
My head still hurts a little. Whenever I get to that really panicked state of trying to find any possible way out, there’s a certain quality to the panicked head space that I didn’t feel this time around. It’s my thoughts begging me to finally be brave enough and just make this one last decision so I don’t have to make anymore. They are erratic and scared and loud and have this certain panicked feeling to them. I can’t really describe it, but it’s basically me trying to push myself as if I was someone else. Like I’m trying to […]
There is no excerpt because this is a protected post.
I’m so insanely tired. I just slept for the best part of 10 hours, and somehow I’m still tired. There’s just nothing in the tank. My body aches. My mind is numb. I have no drive to do anything.
What’s my motivation here? To try to suffer a little bit less? Seems sensible. But I can’t bring myself to actually care. The things I actually want from life are fantastical/delusional. All I’m left with is damage control – trying to limit the pain. However bad it is right now, it can get so much worse.
But emotionally, I’d rather just stop.
I can’t fucking do this, I can smell the humidity in the air, the scent of summer and the dirt and cicada and the leaves with holes that bugs chew out. The dirty manmade pond and water, the moss and mold, the dirty plaster walls and how I dug and drew on it witb the keys to the only place I knew home. The stickiness in the palms of children holding their money and coins thinking that one comic book and some crossfire skin was all they need in being alive. The oxidized metals and plastic and rusty bikes layed in layers of spiderwebs […]
Born like this
Into this
As the chalk faces smile
As Mrs. Death laughs
As the elevators break
As political landscapes dissolve
As the supermarket bag boy holds a college degree
As the oily fish spit out their oily prey
As the sun is masked
We are
Born like this
Into this
Into these carefully mad wars
Into the sight of broken factory windows of emptiness
Into bars where people no longer speak to each other
Into fist fights that end as shootings and knifings
Born into this
Into hospitals which are so expensive that it’s cheaper to die
I wish I had an amazing life like in sci-fi movies
I want everything to stop, this weird lumb on my throat that insists even physical harm is less painful, the self hate which says everyone is perfect except me, the feeling of being a burden to my family, the guilt I’m feeling for stuff I did years back. I’m a very horrible person indeed, nobody is interested in me. My friend had cut all ties with me, my proposal got rejected and I’m constantly being mocked at for making a stupid proposal. I felt very emotional one day and ended up opening up to a friend I’ve known for three months. Now I’m embarrassed and […]
That sums it up. I deserved to live a good life without so much pain. But with time I’ve come to realize that it doesn’t matter what you deserve you get whatever you’re given. I’ve had so much pain in my life, been in the darkest holes. Each time I had to pull myself out because no one could help me but me. I had the will to do it then but now as I am older I feel what’s the point I only end up back again to a darker and deeper hole. And so I have chosen to stay this time and I […]
Do you know how hard it is to meet new people these days? It’s next to impossible, especially if you’re a guy. Try online dating sites? Women get bombarded with messages at a ratio of like 100:1. Good luck breaking through that wall.
So I live with this chick – roommate, I have a thing for her. Her boyfriend did live here, but he choked her out to the point she nearly passed out and I escorted him out myself.
About eight months later, she’s still seeing him, still getting routinely battered by him, and even despite knowing I like her.. okay, you’ve probably heard […]