Not suicide related

Nothing brings me joy, it could be said that I brought this upon myself though. The world situation isn’t helping though. And I don’t believe the mainstream media.
I’m not suited for this life or world. I have never been. If I died by accident, that would be great. Although I wouldn’t want to leave my mother behind like that, she kinda relies on me at the moment :\
I’ve had a rather miserable life (some of which I’ve probably created on my own) and I’ve also had good moments.
I’m under 30 but I’ve been around enough. Not going to force that […]

There are lots of people in this world that are physically worse off than I am physically.  The only positive thing I can say, is I am glad I do not have to endure their pain, and I am sorry they hurt.

I have neuropathy, arthritis throughout my body from my feet( in the words of the Podiatrist “you have more arthritis than a 90 year old”) to my back, degenerative disc disease, spinal stenosis in the lumbar and thoracic spine, bulging discs. Back to my feet. I have a subtalar coalition. Fancy words for fused joints. This was not done surgically. This is as a […]

I want to stop being me. I’m constantly making myself miserable, and I don’t think I can change. I’m just too broken – it’s like I’m addicted to being unhappy. It goes too deep – there’s no decent person left to salvage. Rotten to the core etc. I hate myself, and yet I love hating myself. I want it all to stop. I want me to stop – no more thoughts, no despicable monstrous feelings, no sensations. Take me apart and let my matter become other things, that don’t hate themselves or the world.

But I don’t want to devastate my family. Especially my mum. They’ve […]

All my life I’ve been taught to suppress my emotions. Boys don’t cry. Men don’t cry. Suck it up. Be tough. How do I suppress the emotions of being molested by my sister? Am I supposed to suck it up and be tough and “do what your sister tells you” when she’s using a 5 year old boy for her twisted sadistic pleasure? Was I supposed to be tough? If that wasn’t bad enough, to be punished for it by my parents at the hand of religious fundamentalism. Emotions. Can we start with anger? My father. The tough one. The one that verbally, physically, and […]

Life. Aka torment. Death. Escape, silence, peace. Aka better than torment.
God. A puppet master who has us all on strings, bringing about calamity or blessing according to his sick, twisted, self serving will.
Failure. My life is riddled with it. My life as a whole defines it.
Purpose. We have none. See above. Don’t really care anyway.
Get me out. I need to escape this torment.
The voices tell me I’m weak and worthless. An utter waste of existence and a gross disappointment to everyone that knows me or claims to love me. The voices are there constantly. Running me down. Confirming everything they tell me everyday through my […]

I don’t know what to do anymore. I feel like an idiot but I’m honestly hanging by a thread and at this point I’m just looking for some sign that this isn’t all pointless and that I’m actually going to be okay. Everybody has told me it’ll get better for years. It’s only gotten worse and worse so I feel desperate and stupid. I hate depression. I’m so tired of being in pain every day from something I can’t even control. It physically hurts my heart at this point, it’s so powerful. I just want it to stop. What’s the point in any of this? […]

I would kill myself but I don’t because at the moment I don’t have a more painless method of choice.

…to die, that is. Not that I’m going to try and do that anytime soon because reasons.
Just look at the state of the world. And alternative views are always made to look wrong and crazy. It seems that people aren’t allowed to have alternative views anymore!

It’s not going to get better. Well at least I think it won’t, from what I keep seeing. What’s going on now, isn’t ok.

…Jump. Been in the longest relationship with her my whole life. Even though I’m pretty young, it feels like it’s been forever with her. Funny I never liked people. I counted it off as being anti social or just not being able to put up with people’s shit. It felt cool. I always ditched public outings with”friends” just to hang out with her. Even in the emptiness I find peace.

They always ask me, “why don’t you come around”. I say “I’m busy; I’m busy with her”

‘Who is she?” Man I couldn’t tell them. Well to be fair I didn’t know who “she” was. […]

Decided to come back again and write some more pitiful poetry. Well, kind of I guess. This time it is not about a mask, I think since then I have begun to accept it as a reality and perhaps that may contribute to the reason I feel like running away. This is my life now. You know, when I was in my depressed in my teens this is exactly how I imagined my life in my 20s (assuming then that I would make it to my 20s). Drunk, lonely, and fucking miserable. This freeloading sack of shit is precisely what I envisioned my life would […]

Ah, this site. You just can’t escape it. First posted here when I was 16 and now I’m almost 30. Been away for a decade and now I’m back. I’m writing this not having any idea what I’m going to write, very rare for me. Hoping that I’m going to find someone here , even though I don’t know who I’m looking for. Pretending that this post won’t be just a flash in the sea of other posts.

Who I am looking for? I guess there are several answers. First is someone who goes through the similar thing I am going through. Someone who thought he […]

I’m lost. I’m lost and tired. Tired of always being a disappointment to everyone everywhere. Tired of no one loving me the way I love them. My own mother can’t even try to listen with some kind of compassion when I’m in pain. I lost all my old friends to my narcissistic ex husband who makes an impressive (to everyone but me) high six figure salary for someone who didn’t even go to college and bull shits his way through life. (They all followed the money.) And because of that, he always hold over my head that he can take the kids at a drop […]

Man, never wouldve thought for once in my life id be at a family like this. I had it all planned out yknow? . 17 in a couple of months and i feel absolutely shit. I eat and eat to shove down all the pain. It used to work. But now its just diabeties and overweight scares. I need to not feel anything. Ive always womdered how people do that. They completely turn emotions off. Man!.

My first post on here happy to be here?

Feeling great back on my juice im at a homeless shelter on the West Coast…….
snuck a Vodkka drink last night

I’m on an anxiety medication but ive been on them for a while and they hekp out with miracles and literally make miracles happen. I came here to complain but im feeling better now. This is my second account. I used to be “Now 22 and a half” now im Ladybugluvr99, Will be back on later………..

i want to kill myself before my birthday.

today is the first time i looked back at my posts, i feel so sorry that i never replied to many comments people left for me, but you know…it’s too late to reply now. it’s funny, at first i couldn’t shut up about my mental state to the point where i had to disable my own social media account, now i’m able to stay completely silent, because i no longer feel a thing. the first time i posted about not having a inner monologue was probably the winter of 2019, i remember the first time i had symptoms […]

…. if humanity is hopeless, if we are fragile, fallible, & hopeless mostly, and if what’s left is only a cold, harsh, cruel, bleak, stupid, meaningless / pointless, & depressing reality / life / society / world / existence, then why keep living? For what purpose? What is the point?

I stopped posting here awhile ago, I thought things were getting better…… and even though they did for awhile, I feel utterly alone right now.

I finished my degree, got rejected at every grad school I applied, and went on more interviews than I have ever been on in my 15 year career. I’ve never worked this hard to get nothing back. I’ve never had a second interview and not gotten the job… Now my dreams are haunted by desire unfulfilled, hopes crushed.

Honestly, and I’ve had trouble discussing it; I wish I could get myself just a bit lower, just a bit more pain, so that […]

i cannot ascertain, fathom, or comprehend any aspect. This singular existence forces me into an infinitely internal personality, i find myself within to the extent i am not within.

in my self i lose my self.

the intentional anitmony, contrived. it’sallasymptomatthispoint

You make me scream in slience
You make me rage in violence
You kill my hope and dreams
You are a destructive science
Your goal is to take parts of me
To try to take completely all of me
You can only take so much before i scream in rage
Because i have to fight the pain

I think avoidant is a pretty good label for at least part of what is wrong with me. It’s not the worst thing, but it’s a big issue. At root, I am terrified of being seen, perceived, or judged. Of the negative assessments of others, spoken or unspoken. And so I instinctively seek to avoid real world contact with people wherever possible.

It’s understandable that I would be sensitive to judgement, given that in many ways I’m pretty disgusting and pathetic. But I feared judgement long before I had done so much to deserve it. I was resistant to anything that would expose my underlying weaknesses.

I […]