NOTE : THIS ISN’T AGAINST ANTIDEPRESSANTS, ONLY MY PERSONAL NEGATIVE EXPERIENCE OF ONE. PLEASE DON’T BE DISCOURAGED IF USING THEM TO HELP SURVIVE.

Now I’ve always been suicidal, some days more desperate than others, but never once had I felt it was something out of my hands. Even on the days I did want to be alive, I still had those days. Suicide was a plan in the background for when things really got messed up. I’ve been screwed around by the NHS time and time again, typical mental health team failing dozens, me included. Yet we’re just numbers, no understanding of what battles we’re fighting […]

Hello!

I want help, but I don’t want to keep wasting my mother’s money!

I haven’t gotten out of bed since last night and I would really like to experience the world the way a neurotypical person would.

I also kind of want a hot girl summer but that’s honestly not going to happen if I can’t figure out how to fix myself before trying anything out. How can I save someone from drowning if I can’t even swim for myself?

Please fix me!

Thanks!

Cut my wrist
Cut my throat

Still alive
Emptiness

today is a very fucking hard day for me and for no apparent reason.

i’m so angry. so lonely and so damn miserable.  i just want to make my hurt known.

to feel not so alone. i cant see no light and my life is so dark and small. i feel like cussing and making people hurt but i’m always so considerate and gentle. i feel so suicidal, so violent inside, though i had only one violent outburst in all my life and it was 20 years ago and i was heavily drunk and depressed. i wish i was homicidal rather than suicidal. i want this violence […]

sometimes i wish disorders never existed and one could just live as themselves without thinking they are broken or different. i want to make new friends but because im different im scared to. what if i say the wrong thing?

I feel like my world has ended today. I’m just like he is. Im no different. We’re both in this sinking ship.

Im sorry young fish, vibrant flower, cupcake baker, nyan cat, I can’t pretend like theres nothing wrong. Im the problem.

I’ve done such horrible things. If the world knew of what I did, would I be alone? Would anyone care to talk to me anymore? But wouldn’t that be a good thing? At least for them. I’m so scared. I’m so afraid. I’m so sorry. None of this even makes sense. Who cares anymore, these words mean nothing.

Am i just like him? Am I just […]

To let go.
Of everything, everyone.

Maybe it’s a holdover of a lifelong condition,
A conviction that given a choice there’s only one way this will end.

My mind flashed back to all the moments I gave up on this life. In despair, in defiance. Resignation and dwindling resilience.

I still view this as borrowed time. No, I will not grow into “golden” years.

Maybe it’s the way i was raised. Solid ground hard to come by, broken attachments to myself and others. Always moving, and the things that stayed not worth keeping.

I don’t believe in this life. Believing in my partner doesn’t change that.

Expectations require; […]

while within the whirlwind the pain was so immense i sought peace and quiet –

even that of a grave i thought for no logic alternative came to mind…

now as the storm has died down i gather all the remaining bits and pieces –

and as usual i lose some every time.

now indifferent to the lost i automatically try to piece it all together –

that it will somehow resemble a human being, a man.

trying to make this man shaped thing look like what i once was,

just the appearance will do, i guess..

this glued together pieces aren’t too bad, i think but hardly my best work –

the beard […]

Does anyone else feel like they have all these different sides to themselves that touch but don’t connect. Like putting on a different hat, or having a different personality at different times.
I can list off at least 10 of these I feel, sometimes I feel professional, humorless, or silly, sometimes I’m positive, hopeless, want help, talkative, introspective, spontaneous, adventurous, suicidal, studious, excitable, organized, planned out, and so on.
I’m sometimes touching on another piece of myself but I don’t register the world the same way and some of my sides don’t touch at all because they are so conflicting. I can relate things to […]

I don’t know where you are.
The sun is getting low and I miss you deeply.
If I could turn back the clock I would do nothing different.
Some days I think you should not have saved me.
Now you’re gone.
The emptiness you filled, sand, dry.

HDS
Be Kind. Love yourself.

“I can’t read this because it’s in french.”

“it says it’s for a small room” (we were looking at an AC unit) also I didn’t mention that it was in French and also one other language I didn’t look at close enough.

“no that’s not what it says”

That’s exactly what it says. And then you wonder why I want a divorce. Also all the experts said you’re wrong and I can use whatever the fuck I want. But nooooo I’m always fucking wrong even when I give you evidence. I shouldn’t have to prove I’m right like that over the stupidest of fucking things.

I hate my family.

I hate living inside this dollhouse of play pretend.

Everyone thinks we are happy, but inside all four walls is a child crying for help.

I am the child and in this dollhouse I’m nothing but a doll. Staying still, witnessing every hatred and anger between a mother and a father.

The dollhouse is burning, but the angry smoke filled my lungs until I suffocate.

The dollhouse is burning, and I don’t have the chance to escape.

The dollhouse, pretty but plastic, is what would kill me in the end.

Dying is easy

Living is hard

I would rather pick a weapon of death rather than struggling over picking up hope in order for me to live.

Well in 2014 I lost the girl I thought would be wife. My fiance. And I let her down… I wasn’t good enough to make her happy and so… She found someone better than me. I don’t blame her. I always knew she would see me for what I really am. Worthless.

Here I am 6 years later looking at the empty space next to me in my bed… Wishing she was still here every night.

I thought she would be different. That maybe this time I would be enough. But it fell apart like always.

At the time,  I figured by 30 Id be able to fix […]

I love fostering cats. Mostly kittens. A few months ago, I was taking care of a litter of six with their mom. The mom was great, took care of her kitties, and was super sweet. But she was in a hoarder home (specifically the mom because the kittens weren’t born there). I ended up getting sent to a hospital. But it turns out, the mom had some parasite from before. It killed one of the kittens. My mom in her eternal wisdom decided to wait a week before telling me. Because why would I care if a six week kitten that I’d loved since birth […]

I screwed up again. Just put it on the pile of all the other fuck ups. Also fuck Spanish. I should have said I have no interest. I should have done a lot of things. I have no idea how I could be such a fuck up when things aren’t even going on right now.

In the morning I wake up feeling down and just too bad. But I just lock this stupid feeling because if I don’t then I am not able to get up from my bed. Then the day goes on, and I get up brush my teeth, take a shower, maybe a breakfast, and then basically keep doing something or the other the entire day. The day passes just like that– me forcing myself to do things that a 15 y/o is supposed to do. The sun sets down. The night comes in on little cat feet. (that’s a metaphor i recently learnt). And I’m left […]

And by soon, I mean within the next couple of months if I’m lucky. Because I currently don’t have access to my method. I’m so eager to go. I’ll take several Klonopin before so I’m relaxed, because I’m terrified all the time and I don’t want my last minutes to be filled with anxiety. Who else is dying this year?

I wonder what will happen after it’s lights out. There is no proof of anything either way, no one knows for sure. Some family members of mine have had supernatural experiences. Some people claim that the consciousness ends after death. I don’t know who to believe […]

I’m exasperated by all the so called political issues we deal with today.

In a world where hardly anything but harsh polemicizations remain I don’t know, where to go/what to do..

I think everything is flawed from the ground up. Can I just die.

It’s not so much that I want to die. It’s that I don’t want to live with this reality. Which is dumb, because there are no alternatives. But my mind is incredibly resistant to ‘making the best of things’. I’m a stubborn asshole, and I don’t know how to stop that. I can plan it all out on paper, how I’m going to slowly improve myself and my circumstances. But when it comes to actually dealing with the day to day reality, I turn away, time and again. I refuse. I reject reality, and my place in it. And the only solution seems to be […]