I feel completely and utterly worthless and pathetic. Everyone has different expectations of what they want me to be. My friends what something, my parents want something, everybody just expects so much from me.

I’m only one person.

I fail everyone I care about and feelings of hate and depression have been welling up in me for about 5 or 6 years now.

It won’t take much to push me over the edge, I’ve had enough of this shit. Fuck everyone’s expectations, fuck what everyone thinks of me, I’m just tired. I want everything to be over.

Everyone tells me that this feeling will fade with time. I’ve waited […]

i had a fight with my bestfriend and i think i ruined our friendship with it, she said she needed space and left me hanging with one of the hardest moment of my life coming up. she was doubting us being beter again and it breaks my heart since she was the only person who made me realise life can be nice and worth living she means evrything to me and il do evrything for her. sadly i ruined it i guess if she leaves me its time for me to leave this cruel world.

i told my friend that i hope he finds someone. i know he doesnt like being alone. but i dont want to lose him. i have trust issues and abandonment issues. i dont trust anyone. but i trust him. im probably being selfish…..

I keep getting overwhelmed by the thought that I should be ending it now, while I still can, before something terrible happens. Not that things aren’t bad now – but it’s more or less tolerable. I have no life, no prospects, no real relationships – I’m completely alone. I’m full of regret, longing, guilt, shame, self-hatred etc. But I’m used to it. I’m used to being miserable. If everything just stayed like this, I reckon I could stick it out another 50 years and die naturally. Or at least until my parents died.

But things won’t stay like this. Things will continue to deteriorate. And the […]

It’s February 1, 2020. In the simplest terms life has been nothing but a cluster fuck. I just don’t seem a reason to keep living. I have relapsed on many occasions. I found this website in hopes of finding people that will understand what it’s like to just want to give up on life. I can’t seem to wrap my head around this. But basically I’m a lesbian and my girlfriend of 2 years was cheating on me. She told me to kill myself before she left me so now I’m honestly considering it. I don’t believe in heaven of hell. I think that when […]

The crazy fact is that I still cling on to life with the lowest amount of optimism I have left which is why I desire someone would murder me to make the process significantly easier.

In the past, I would have suicidal thoughts but they were manageable through the gym, talking to a mentor/girlfriend and minor successes in life. Now those coping mechanisms don’t even work, they just numb my thoughts for a short period of time and then reverts to a way which I would describe  “A  squirrel anxiously on cocain divining the bleak future”. The truth is I don’t want to die but neither […]

I’ve been thinking about saving up money to help my parents pay for my funeral. I almost want to write in my suicide nite for them not to bother with one, but I know they’ll probably want some send off for me. Apparently funerals cost from $7000 to $10000 dollars. I figure I’ll save up $7000 for the cost. If they want to waste more money on me, that’s on them. But they shouldn’t have to pay for an event they don’t even want to be at in the first place.

Why’s dying got to be so damn expensive?

If you make it look look like an accident is it easier for your family? Any death is tragic but suicide takes first prize, so it stands to reason a car accident would be easier to accept, family don’t have to face a reflection such as  ” he was in that much pain, he went against the natural law of life and killed himself”. These single vehicle accidents late at night you hear about are mostly suicides, carefully orchestrated to look like accidents to prevent the family left behind unbearable reflections.  All I would have to do is leave the road at a respectable velocity […]

It’s been a year since I “ran” away and nothing has ever changed. I thought going away will make everything better but I have never been better. It’s still the same– I’m still the same pathetic me.

Does anyone else feel guilty over things they’ve never done?

I read a post online from a deaf girl who said she was tired of people pretending to know sign language. And I thought “Damn. Well, I feel like a shit person now.” That being said, I’ve never interacted with a deaf person nor have I ever pretended to sign to them. I guess it taps into my debilitating fear of accidentally insulting someone. I hate any kind of conflict, and I’d rather bring a razor to my wrist than bring about any kind of animosity with someone.

I’ve pretty much decided that if I end up […]

That moment you are sad and need to talk to somone so you call your bestfriend but shes asleep, you call a few more friends but nobody awnsers and you sit lay there and cry feeling the deepest loneliness you can feel having nothing and nobody but yourself. For who am i even stay in this world if evryone is to busy for me.

I dont have anyone that really cares about me

Sometimes I think about
Being an opposite gender
Or I want to love same gender
It will be less hurtfull I think

Dont feel sorry for me
Im already tainted and crooked
Dont feel sorry for me
Cause I finally choose what I want
Dont feel sorry for me
Cause i already feel all the sorry from myself
Dont feel sorry for me
We are not meant to be
Dont feel sorry for me
Dont feel sorry
Dont feel
Dont

ive been struggling so much just to get simple things done. what originally would take me 2 hours to finish went from 11pm to 5am. i can barely remember what i want to say, i can’t do my daily work without being affected anymore.but still i’m too scared to ask the teacher for an extension, i’ve lost hope on communicating to family or friends, i’ve tried my best to be normal, i really did, really, but the effort goes into nothing. i’m completely drained, completely burned out. i’ve sunk to the bottom, again. no matter how hard i work i just can’t get the things […]

I’ve been on other sites and it’s been a while since I last posted here. I accidentally met someone there and we’ve been in a relationship since the last two weeks. I know that I am happy, that I love him and that he loves me. He’s so sure of us. I’m also sure that I want to be with him but there’s one thing holding me back. I’m scared that I might break my promise and end my life before I can even see him.

I’m not gonna lie that the depression is still there. Yes I am happy but I’m barely getting up from […]

I wish I could afford a painless and easy exit.

5:30 AM.  Been trying to sleep since 10 PM last night. Nothing works. Can’t drink – it fucks up my already fucked up gut. Can’t afford even cheap generic bourbon anyway. The prescription pain killers don’t work anymore. They just give me a headache. No where to turn. Backed into a corner by a world that’s become so corrupt, contemptible and immoral – not one shred of anything left worth breathing for

and it won’t stop

it just won’t stop

make it stop

MAKE IT FUCKING STOP

I feel like shit

Has anyone experienced a feeling of sadness and emptiness after working out?

I began working out because my university makes me cover some deportive credits; the first 2 weeks I felt a little bit more energetic and “happy” (more like I just didn’t feel sad) but after those weeks I have been feeling sad and have constant ideas of suicide, as if after workout I could jump off a bridge, is it normal?

Before my diagnosed depression I usually did exercise and felt anxious, but I just assumed that it was the anxiety that I have had since all my life, […]