Everyday now. Every day I go outside and wish I could be out of here. I have a pocket knife in my coat pocket that reminds me now much I hate myself. I could fix it but it’s definitely too late. The other day it sliced my thumb like butter. I’m obsessed with the thought of not being here. Please help me just send prayers please
So, all this time I was hating myself? It was all due to body dysphoria. I’m trans and my parents were keeping my behaviours from childhood a secret. All this time I was telling myself to “man up” I literally just wanted to be a man, not “as strong as a man”. The screams in my head have finally stopped, I’m getting on with my studies. It’s mad how I myself made myself too insecure to even admit a truth to myself. Since I figured it out with my therapist I’ve been laughing, like actually laughing because all my pain is actually making sense, my […]
I feel so empty. My anger and depression is making it hard to distinguish reality from fantasy. I hate myself so much that it feels like a nightmare I’m living in. Like I’ve imagined this entire world in my head. It gets worse every day and I lose touch of reality as I keep living. No one understands it. I find no happiness or pleasure from anything or anyone. It’s just anger that lives inside me. People grow and move past it but I can’t. And in some ways I won’t allow myself to. I love the anger. I love the depression. I want to […]
Like always, life just gives you false hope.
it makes you believe, that it will get better.
That everything will be okey.
Just to make you stay alive, even for one more day.
So you can just suffer more when reality hits you.
Then, the illusion of a false hope will fade.
Then reality will kill you inside.
Now I know, I know that I can’t trust hope.
It is just to make sure you stay alive so you can suffer more.
I will not fall for it again.
I am TIRED of falling for it.
I am TIRED of everything.
Nothing will get better.
Nothing will change.
The only thing that will change.
Is my existence.
a gap in-between the sky and land
a gap in-between you and i
a gap, as i gaze into my past as my past selves looks back to my past selves as it continues.
a gap in my head, memories flipping through, a gap in-between myself from time to times.
a shining light leading onto the place where i once saw as home.
a gap in-between my finger tips and yours.
a gap in my stomach.
a gap when i try to open my mouth.
a cell.
a gap in-between bars they call love.
looking for a gap in-between my neck.
There is an inconsistency between what’s in my head and what’s actually there. I believe the root of my sadness comes from the realization that there is this disconnect between the two and that I don’t know how to cope with it. I believe my primary motivation drives me to these nonsense delusions. The fear of not amounting to anything and the fear of being alone. I’m so wrapped up in the little idiosyncrasies within my head that I don’t really see what’s there and when it finally becomes apparent to me, I can’t help but feel let down. The […]
I will miss my dog, my faithful and constant companion who only ever gave me cold wet nose kisses and unconditional love and comfort and never asked or expected anything in return except for belly rubs and playing fetch (and food and walks). I will miss music, and art, and creative energy, and the power of performance: the amazing and beautiful things people are capable of accomplishing when they can put their minds to it. I will miss food — anticipating it, preparing it, enjoying the tastes and delicious smells of it. I will miss films and television, from the artsy farts to the campy […]
I hope the higher power who sent me here can hear me. If not, then the universe will. I gladly told them to fuck off. Yes, and it felt good. I just don’t want to be here man. Already thwarted on my first suicide attempt and now I’m in my head is just torture. The depression is getting worse. It happens little by little then one day you just cant feel anymore. I’m going to hurt people if I cannot make my way out of this shit hole without inter-fucking-ference. Please kill me…
i remember the exact moment i first heard this song and it hit me like a mack truck. i just couldnt do it anymore.
you were with your friends and i was…..off with someone else. i was sitting at the picnic table just on the edge of the group. everything was…fine. i was playing with his phone and going through his music. the only thought that went through my head was “oh a song by 3dg i havent heard” i apparently didnt think about the title itself long enough. so i clicked it. within seconds my heart sunk. that was years ago now and […]
I am at my lowest point.I’m only here for one request. If there is a higher power, please. End my suffering.
I don’t like to talk a lot. In school or out. I have 3 friends because I pushed everyone away and now I don’t know how to talk to people. My parents are so focused on me not smoking that they turned the house into hell. I feel like i’m constantly under attack. When I walk home I get scared to talk to my family. I can’t tell if i’m happy or sad or scared or angry but I know i’m breaking someway. I so bored with my life that I want to kill myself just to have something to do. I can’t focus […]
May 15, 12:44AM
it’s a school night, i was supposed to sleep early to work on my important project, but something happened. i took 7 tablets of (?), i don’t know why i took them, shoved them down my throat and casually went to bed, after 10 minutes i felt this terrible pain in my stomach and my eyes were about to burst “it’s nothing” i said, and tried to sleep, but it only got worse so i decided to ask for help. searched the tablets name on google, “the lethal dosage could be as low as 4 tablets for a grown-up” “Do not […]
i hate when people scream and laugh and yell w their face all red.
they’re so loud???how is it possible for them to be that unaware??’
Hello guys. Im still here. Nothing has changed except Im 20 years old now. I feel like the exact same person that I was when I first posted here about 2 years ago. Im still depressed the same. Every day sucks. I do nothing valuable. Im just getting high and wasting time. I study physics at the best university in this country. I hated highschool and this is what I always wanted.. The school is so interesting but even then I cant force myself to learn at home…
Often I just lay or sit down and the memories of all the times that I did […]
I swear I had all the preparations done. Everything was in place. The method, the suicide letters to my family and friend, the timing.
Out of the blue I receive a message from the other side of the world. A 30-minute conversation has thrown my suicidal ideations out of the realm of “must” and into the chaotic reality of “should” and “can”.
I thought I had found my way out of the wilderness into the dark. Suddenly there’s a light. An unavoidable brightness lighting the path of a monster (me) that was blind to all else for too long.
Am I imagining this? Is my mind/body fighting so […]
I mannaged to be in two weeks more than 6 time affiliated on my case with the Intensive Care Unit, the Ambulance, the Police.
So, I won’t turn to be a warmogger in Israel, Syria, Lebanon, Westjordan etc.
But I would have liked to. Instead, I increased my Experiences in Substances to 90 different upon 70+ are Drugs. The lastest was very hideous to counter and could have had killed me easily or turning me disablied.
I count unwillingly that I’ll be one day very disabled by my actions, so I need to clarify that such a Life in my Imagination should not be kept alive. I hope […]
Why are you depressed?
Me:
Childhood abuse and trauma
Adult Life not working out – no friends, no job, health issues, loneliness.
I like the feeling of it running across my skin.
I like the deep rich color.
I like the scars that it leaves behind, the look, the feel.
I like the stains it leaves.
I like the pain it brings.
I like everything about it.
But I hate myself because of everything I do to see it
Suicide is heavy on my mind and all I want to do is slit my skin until the internal pain is gone.