welp, cut again…. I would argue that it doesn’t count because it’s not deep but I’m bleeding…. these flimsy knives are surprisingly not good at cutting me at least…. I hate myself for this 🙁 it itches so much, so much more than usual I hope I don’t get something horrible they werenn’t new blades and have been used for things -_-

I stop

Cause i want to try to love my self more
Cause i want to try to appreciate my self more
Cause i want to try to stand where my self want to be

Sorry

on Sunday I thought maybe I should try to give life one last chance and move to the Caribbean and start of fresh. then after careful thought I changed my mind and Decied to proceed with my suicide. cause it is going to take a lot of money and energy to do that. and I don’t have that. especially the money.

So I’m just going to move on with the suicide cause it is a lot more easier for me to do so.

life is pointless at this point. there’s nothing left for me in this world

stop this pain, im so tired of it i want to sleep at a normal time again i want to laugh again and i want to be genuinely happy again not just fake happy to the cashier so she doesnt think im some snobby *****,,my motto is fake it till u make it, i havent made it yet,been faking it for years no change. just someone help me, please..

i cant close my eyes or im too scared, im scared to fall asleep.. and every male thats in my life or that i pass on the street regardless if i know they are good people and wouldnt hurt me i still get so nervous. its hard to admit this but i even got scared around my own father. and i KNOW that he would never ever do such a thing but from the day that i was sexually assaulted i just cant trust anyone. i trust four people that i can be around and not get scared, that is my mum, two of […]

I’ve been having suicidal thoughts for as long as I can remember. I always think about ways i can kill myself and hope for someone to kill me to put me out of my misery. I’ve never sought any treatment for mental health and have no interest in doing so. I really just want to kill myself. I’m so exhausted of living and waking up every day. I have no passion and nothing in this world is good enough to make me want to stay alive honestly. Everything is a disappointment. I don’t enjoy anything normal people do and I’ve tried it all. I don’t […]

I wonder how death looks like. I feel like I am feeling the presence of death. Its an odd feeling, like that same feeling that comes when watching the TV, with all the crime stories. You look to all the human disgrace, and how cruel a human can be, the gory details, the violence, and it leaves a stamp on you. Something hard to grasp. A void. A ghost-like presence resembling the smell of ashes, old stuff, a grey feeling. But there is also a part in me, with a note of rejoice, pleasure, as if I wanted to see those things happening, the blood […]

i feel like the time is coming soon.

Im honestly doing okay right now im having my bad moments but other than that im alright for now. But for some reason I have the urge nearly daily if not multiple times a day to cut. I won’t but I just dont understand why the urge won’t leave me

im so alone…i have a big family but yet im still so alone. if im being honest i dont know what to do anymore, idont want to be selfish and take my own life i wish to never put my family through such a hard thing, but i dont know how much longer i canlive, all i wanna do is just scream, everything im typing i want to scream. but im also trying to stay strong for my family i cant show that im actually suffering this much, i feel stuck. because i know that i cant do this but the suicidal thoughts seem to […]

So two people from here I’ve talked to for the past 3 years are no longer messaging me at all. Idk what I was even expecting tbh. I cared for them both so much, but in the end, all I could’ve done was try to be there for them both. Now, with the other person I deeply cared for potientally attempting this morning while I was at work unable to try to persuade them one last time to plesse try to get help from someone who’s around, I feel a bit empty.

Idk. I’m trying so damned hard to make something of myself. To get to […]

I’ve never been in legal trouble my entire life. I got a dui a while ago and was given unsupervised probation with community service, therapy, and SATOP class. My court date is October 10th. Due to some scheduling issues I wont be able to complete SATOP before the court date so unless I can postpone the date I’m most likely going to jail. I’m 26, 3.8 university gpa for computer science, fun and well paying job, but I can’t handle going to jail. I refuse. I’ve ordered 99.99% helium and all the supplies I need and I’m expecting it in a few days. I’m only […]

16,425 days. Or 45 years. That’s roughly how much longer I could expect to live, supposing I had an average natural life span. That’s an awfully long time to spend alone, full of self-hatred, guilt, regret, despair, and longing. I’m pretty sure I could take another week, month, year, possibly even another decade like this. But 45 years? And it only gets harder over time, as I get older and memories of happiness fade. I first felt this despair 12 years ago, but I hadn’t sunk so deep then. I could still hold an irrational hope that things would change. But the longer you spend […]

if i’m not the love of your life

then i’ll be your greatest loss

sleepless nights

3:00 am feels so damn empty

i wonder how she feels

while you fill her silence

the way you did for me

that girl in england

what did i do wrong

that she’s doing so right

ever feel so broken, you dont dare hear your own thoughts?
you tell yourself things others wouldnt dare say, you assume
thats what they want to say, you tear yourself apart,
as if there were many of u, each bearing a different face,
like those cyberbullies on social media, with each word they yielded a knife,
stab after stab, hit after hit,
you’re twitching on the ground, barely able to feel anything,
inside youre barren, they not only gave you pain,
they took it all away, even your pain.
now you have nothing, not even your own feelings,
because they invalidated every aspect of you,

Spiritual health and wellbeing – relates to ideas, beliefs, values and ethics that arise in the mind and conscience of human beings. It includes concepts of hope, peace, a guiding sense of meaning or value and a reflection of a person’s place in the world eg. a sense of belonging.

I’m not spiritually healthy because I DON’T BELONG.

I don’t belong in this house. I don’t belong in this family. And most of all I don’t belong in this world. I don’t understand why I’m still here. I think my time was up a long time ago and I’m just sitting and […]

I’m a lonely human

Is it best to accept who you are or change it. I use to hate me. But lately ive stopped caring and just grabbed another joint or bottle. Whats it matter when im at the point where i wish someone would hand me a gun. I think it would terrify some people how id pull the trigger without blinking an eye. At this point im just waiting to be pushed off this high rope i walked on to. Its a pretty delicate balancing act and lately ive been losing balance.

Moving on, as a concept, is easy.
It is breathing – automatically as we do – and taking one step after another. It is walking forward with a hint of hindsight in the back of your eyes and a gleam of hope in front of them. It is doing what people tell you is ‘best, is most normal for people in your situation’ as if they have any idea what that situation is and as if they can categorize you like they do the poor and the rich. ‘Look here ladies and gentlemen, one of the different classes of society: the grievers. Undoubtedly self loathing […]