For me depression is about no longer being able to believe in the positive futures your mind creates. No matter how much effort I put in,  regardless of how much time and money I spend, I cannot see a future that feels meaningful, that I can believe in. One that motivates me to get out of bed in the morning, or push through all the discomfort and crap that everyday life throws at you.

I cannot imagine a future where I feel a real connection with another human being. Where I have anyone I can be real with. Anyone I don’t feel afraid around, in case […]

There is no excerpt because this is a protected post.

I want someone to know. Im going to clean the house, then Im going to buy several bottles of zzzquil, Im going to drink them all with some alcohol and then Im going to get a rope and walk in the arberetum behind my house and walk until I find a place no one will find my body for a little while at least. Then Im going to hang myself.
Thank you for listening to me. Thank you to those who cared. I just really must be going now.

Hi guys,

Its actually been a while since I posted. Ive been in a relationship the last two years and was trying to focus on being okay so I could function in society. But I just found out my bf has been lying about being okay with my condition. I have BPD so I feel emotionally like I have third degree burns all over my body. A lot of the time, if I feel safe, Im okay. I can push on. But right now I really just want to figure out a simple way to die. Ive kinda brought myself back around to hanging, but as […]

not suicide related

Well what a weird experience it was being at my boyfriends PC (with his permission)! He showed me that he’s got loads of folders containing p orn (with all kinds of women, different body types, shapes). He never looks at it (p orn) when I am around in real life. I don’t really care if he’s got so much porn but wow was it an experience, I did not realize he was actually into everything. What a *bleep* eye opener. Cool, thanks for showing me??? Lol!

He also has alot of screenshots of himself from that video game. Well over 50% of screenshots […]

Sorry guys,

I know I’m rough, I know I’m not nice, I know I’m an asshole. Yes, I could be more respectful, nicer. I have the ability to. But I’m just so frustrated with life I’d say fuck you to everyone. That’s how I cope with depression, and I know being friendly  w o n t help. I know your life sucks, well mine does to, and I can do absolutely nothing about it!

I dont feel suicidal. I just feel so empty inside. Wake up,  play video games, go to sleep… Wake up, play video games, go to sleep… Repeat… I cant ever force myself to do something meaningful. The only thing I enjoy is getting high. Im the laziest person on this planet. My 20th birthday is coming soon and it terrifies me. I havent made any progress in my life since I was 12.  I am still so alone. Sometimes I wish I was a girl you know… I know its dumb girls got their problems too.. But they are ultimately the selectors and guys are […]

Today.. finally.. i tell him about my story
The story i cant say to him all this time
The story how and what happened to me
About the depressed me

And he said

My feelings.. to you.. still the same.. you are the same for me.. im not going to pity you or look at you differently.. and i cant help you..but when you need me.. when you cant sleep.. tell me.. tell me everything.. everything
Why you dont tell me before about this…
If you told me before i can help you
And you see its been 5 years.. im still here for you
I […]

He told me “Your problem wont affect my life”
And it makes me think 1 day full about it
Still a week.. 2 weeks.. and I still wondering what that means
One said I started liking him
One said he really doesnt care about it
One said no matter what happened its okay for him
Its a matter for me
Its a big problem for me
Im here feeling depressed want to die
And my mom will leave me first
Im here still hating myself
Im here cant accept this cruel world
Im here afraid to start something
Im afraid of my minds and feelings

I have this friend who I’ve only known for a few weeks but I have some crazy feelings for, I try to be really nice to them and make them feel important and special because they could soon die from an illness. They’re quite stubborn and I can’t tell if they feel anything for me because they never want to talk about me. Though I do get some mixed signals. I’m kind of putting myself in a bad place mentally because I like to obsess over what we could be and I definitely know it’s not healthy, but I don’t want to just leave them […]

There is no excerpt because this is a protected post.

There is no excerpt because this is a protected post.

Finally l will leave this shit place and town l guess the next week. Can’t live here anymore

It first stated at the beginning of summer break. My friend from New York told me that goodbye meant she was going to kill herself. She said goodbye to me. I always had the mindset that I was the weak link in every type of relationship I’ve ever been in,whether it’s an unauthorized soccer team or just  me meeting someone new. So when I was told that she was going to kill herself, I blamed myself for not being good enough, So I texted a friend, the kindest person from my class, she would always greet me, and would ask me stuff from time to […]

It’s 7 in the morning, here.

I am the only one awake in the hostel. There is a pigeon outside my window. Usually, his coo-ing wakes me up, but for the past several days, it indicates my bed time. He first arrived in my third year of college. I found it rude and impolite to prevent him from building a nest outside my window. His love interest joined him soon, and there was a (presumably) happy family within some 2 weeks of their arrival.

I stayed out one night, and found the baby pigeons dead on my arrival the next morning. There were signs of […]

It was the birthday of my sister. And after lunch, we’d thought of watching a movie together.  So, while watching the movie, I didn’t realize when I’d dozed off.  All I remember was falling down the steep old staircase and hitting my head hard. I had woke up with a jolt even though subconsciously I knew I was dreaming. My heart was racing so fast and I was shaking literally and breathing heavily. We were watching a comedy genre and my sister was quite perplexed.
This has happened again, this evening while I was taking a nap.  But this time I’d screamed so bad – […]

it’s my last month on earth

Hi,

What is concerning me and why I am reaching out is that I frequently have violent thoughts and desires.

To be specific, if someone does something that annoys me or (to be frank) threatens my ego: I want to shoot, stab, bludgeon, punch, kick, burn, and torture said person to death. This is what I sincerely want to do in these circumstances, no matter how outlandish it may sound.

If you were to observe me, you might not guess that this is what runs through my mind as I generally try to keep my appearance well-groomed and sport a controlled demeanor most of the time. I’m also […]

Take me or leave me. I’ll never be perfect; believe me, I’m worth it.

Call it a curse or just call me blessed. If you can’t handle my worst, you ain’t getting my best.

I’m 28, and I want to die. The only thing that stops me is the pain it will leave behind. There’s no way to escape it. I don’t know how I could get these people that I care about out of my life without hurting them.  How do you just stop well formed relationships? Recently, I’ve tried to take a detailed look into my past, into the type of person I have been. For 28 years I have felt sad and worthless with occasional moments of reprieve. I’ve tried a dozen different pills, psychiatrists, therapists, and I’m always right where I started in the depths […]