I’m trying to appreciate my progress, even when it seems small, especially when it seems small, because small is all I’ve got.

so five days straight on my shower a day goal successful, I need to be pleased about it. It’s still work, I’m a ways yet before it is a habit.

I read a book that really did it for me, Ambrose Ibsen’s The Other Woman. I devoured the thing in two days. It touched on some important themes for me, loss, and trying to make sense of the absurdly awful. I’m still processing, but I think it was good progress.

Finally, the best progress in awhile; […]

Death in a second.

~1min

I’m in a place where for the last 10 years I haven’t been able to form close relationships with anyone.

Drunk again. Kinda need to be in order to really have a stream of conscious post. There’s a lot on my mind. None of it I think I can or want to articulate. While drinking, I had the realiziation that I really need to kill myself. Like really need to. I’m not cut out for this. The whole living thing. Making relationships, having a career, being happy. It’s just not in the cards for me. A bullet to the brain whould fix all my problems. Emphasis on the my. I get that it […]

I am ANGRY at what a shitty hand I was dealt in life. And FRUSTRATED that I can’t make my life work. DEPRESSED and SUICIDAL bc my life isn’t working and is shit.

If we all could make our lives work, or in some of your cases just work better, we wouldn’t be here on this suicide site.

After decades of misery upon misery- just what CHANCE is there that “things will get better”? That suddenly, that I will finally have a good partner, have a few real good friends, have money/not have to worry about money anymore, and my health improves?

I don’t belong in this world. The ppl who thrive in THIS shitty world are:
1- ppl who are born well off- If you weren’t born into money (and by that I mean at least to middle class parents, which btw, HALF the population are NOT) you are pretty much screwed, unless you manage to beat the odds […]

Before the wall cracked, I made decisions like Dr. Spock- I was very analytical and logical- and made decisions that made the most sense. Like for ex, which University to go to given my lack of money, lack of parental support of any kind, and What I should major in, and etc. It turned out that all decisions made were all “bad” decisions in the end- not “bad” as in I stupidly did stupid things, but “zigged” instead of “zagged”- albeit most were unbeknownst to me that it would turn out bad.

It made sense to major in Finance/Business, even though my heart was […]

*I know this post is really long, but I hope some of you read it all the way through*

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This was back in 2009. Yes, a long ass time ago, but I still have not gotten over him. It’s very rare I even like someone enough to go out with them, let alone fall in love with. That was the problem- I didn’t even know at the time I had fallen in love with him.

My whole childhood was full of abuse, so I naturally shut myself off from my emotions and stuffed them into a box I called the “Pandora’s […]

When I got over something else, something else majorly bad happened that I can’t get over. Just my luck. But it’s a little less daunting than the last thing. I opened up more about things, and it hasn’t gotten better, but at least there’s some more clarity. I feel like I should be even more devastated, but the relative scale of things makes me try to numb myself to it. I’m feeling pretty devastated already, but the trade off is that I’ve opened up more. Whatever.

There is no excerpt because this is a protected post.

Seriously speaking I feel I’m unworthy in all aspects . I’m insecure everything about me . Today’s my birthday and I’m diving to the deeper depths of sadness . I don’t know what I have in life ….  Just living some void shit …. My existence doesn’t have any meaning.  I don’t expect anything from anyone but that’s making me more isolated and depressing.  Idk whom to say these thoughts . I don’t want to share to anyone I know . Cuz they will not value or respect my feelings especially the closed ones . The person I love is making me feel like it’s […]

Someone molested me and it’s affecting me more than it ever has before. So I have an issue with speaking, I can’t get words out when I’m nervous. It comes with social anxiety. And that’s why it happened. I couldn’t speak to tell him to stop, and I couldn’t come off as confident enough to discourage him from doing it to me. It makes me feel like such a loser. I don’t want to tell anyone the details because I’m ashamed of not being able to fucking speak. It won’t stop coming to my mind. I can’t have sex without the same feelings coming up. […]

https://youtu.be/BVt7mXJ8fJM?si=Kn-3V5ptqap7Tcpj

I told my therapist about this video one time. I haven’t gone to therapy in months, I feel a lot better. Today I thought about this video, and it appeared on my youtube feed. The title of this file in the game it’s from is “inconvenient body”. I used to think my body was inconvenient, but now I like my body. I am working to become stronger. My life has never been better than now. About a week ago I felt suicidal one time, but I went to confession and I felt a lot better. I am happy. The problems I had […]

keeping friends has always been a struggle for me and i get scared every time i make new friends. i’m really good at small talk but once people really get to know me they never really want to stay. i feel like i’m too much.

i give so much of myself into the friendship they get overwhelmed by me. so then i just shut down and try not to bother them anymore. this keeps happening and i don’t know how to fix myself. at this point i think it’s better not to try anymore.

God, I’m wondering where the process of pain started and where it clustered up so much, that my soul tossed the leftovers onto a pile of great shame. And these would just never be picked up again, because there was a lot to digest at the time. I’m wondering whether it is too late, to work through them now. Is it the origin of my distrust and overemotional behavior?

Today I replayed a scenario from my past and I took it apart and changed it. It’s unfortunate, I couldn’t be in control back then. It’s a rather happy memory actually. And I know, it could’ve been […]

After that last bit, feeling particularly suicidal, I sunk back into myself. It was perfection, I almost ceased to be for 14 hours. Then I woke up, did what I had to, and tried to replicate it, and you know what happened? awful failure, nightmares, and I realized that if I didn’t hurt, I wouldn’t sleep right. I also can’t really create the pain, it just has to hit me.

Like today. The first four hours I was pushing, pouring myself out and hurting for it. But now? the relief has started, and I think it’s going to be a good night. What kind of sick […]

I think I have lot of complexities about my body and looks . I feel like I’m not the way I like to be . I really worry thinking of it everyday . I like a person …. but I feel like that person doesn’t deserve me ….  I feel like I’m not a perfect match for that person ……  I understand we must have self love for ourself and shit . But I feel I’m not beautiful in anyway ….. I don’t know what to do to overcome thissssss.  I suffer a lot thinking about this ….. I don’t know what to do seriously […]

Been looking for work almost obsessively, still nothing.

Between that and my dreams haunting me with past memories of people I care for, I’ve slipped so far down a black hole. Idk how to pull myself out.

Feeling like this sucks.

The unnamable lust is back.

Why have we as a society gotten so comfortable with and accepting of everyone coming home to no one at 5 pm ? When the workday is over, and free time begins, I want to come home to someone … to have some human contact, to talk about my day, to make love to someone, to share a meal or a bottle of wine … there is no one … there hasn’t been anyone for 15 years, and there isn’t anyone now or in the foreseeable future.

Is this a life worth living ? Should I be satisfied with Netflix and 20 second porn ? Is […]