Over the years I have gone from being optimistic and joyful, to completely dead inside. The few friends I had are now gone, and the failures in my life continue to increase in number as I get older. I constantly feel sharp chest pain from my depression, and I am unable to let out how I feel, unable to cry and unable to strongly feel anything emotionally anymore. My depression gets worse everyday as I have found everything in life to be no fun anymore resulting in myself staying in my bed all day whenever I get the chance. I can’t tell anyone how I […]
I don’t know what to do anymore. I feel like an idiot but I’m honestly hanging by a thread and at this point I’m just looking for some sign that this isn’t all pointless and that I’m actually going to be okay. Everybody has told me it’ll get better for years. It’s only gotten worse and worse so I feel desperate and stupid. I hate depression. I’m so tired of being in pain every day from something I can’t even control. It physically hurts my heart at this point, it’s so powerful. I just want it to stop. What’s the point in any of this? […]
[no censor]
I don’t wanna fucking live anymore. I hope there’s no afterlife. I just want to die, and that is fucking it. If there was another realm or anything of the sort, I’d seriously be more fucked up than I’m now ‘cause I think the problem is not just with my body and my mind, but also with my soul – if there is any. I feel like some evil maggot has drilled a hole so deep in my skull that it is controlling every fucking thing that’s me. I just wanna be gone. Forever. I wanna die, and I don’t give a fuck about anyone. […]
i read a story once about a man who was tied to a chair facing a cave wall with a fire behind him. He couldn’t look left or right or even at himself, just the wall. As things went past her saw the shadows of them on the wall. That became his reality, it was all he knew. I can’t shake this feeling that I’m not really here, or anywhere. What are my thoughts? I’m just a vessel for tiny organisms to be transported, maybe my conscience-ness was a mistake? How do I know anyone else can even have thoughts and feelings? What is my […]
I don’t really know where to start with this. The school year’s just begun but I already feel like I’m dying. Like, I really just want it to end and I feel all alone and I dunno. I know that people would miss me if I died but now I just can’t bring myself to really care as much. I’m just empty and numb and I don’t know what I’m doing with my life. Like, why can’t I just move out and go to college already so that I can fuck up my life without anyone here to see. Like, why was I born. Why […]
I’m so tired of my freaking job… Sigh…
It’s just so demanding…
I work at Goodwill and here everything is already used and donated so everything is priced by stickers that can easily come off. o.o Then it has to be updated weekly as much as possible while old stuff comes off…
It’s hard to explain, but this can be really hard and exhausting…
For me at least, it’s a one man job too and I often even run out of stuff! Then like, I had to take a week off to spend time with my family and it was nice to get away from everything… but then of […]
… I want to die…
I hate society and wish it would go away…
I don’t understand people and why they always neglect and abuse me and why I have to feel pressured by so many things and then never get any real support or guidance to achieve said things that I don’t even know I want anymore like getting a car or a girlfriend and stuff.
I just don’t care anymore…
I hate people and I want to die…
Everything is boring and I feel so empty, life just seems fake, I don’t even know what I want anymore…
I’d probably kill myself right now if I had a good […]
Introduction
Here’s a poem I made on Facebook on June 1st, when I really needed to vent. :p
(It’s a bit dark and sadomasochistic, instead of just plain masochistic, I hope that’s okay…)
Not that anyone cares, most people just ghost me…
People usually ignore me or hate me, I’m not sure if anyone is at fault when people leave me or don’t want to talk to me and I’m not sure if I should even care…
I just want to be myself… people are too different from me…
I […]
So far I’ve been chasing myself and trying to keep distracted. I’m failing.
My health is failing. I feel nauseous and wonky. I act as though everything is fine and my life is faultless.
My heart is racing in my chest. My arms are weak and my eyes burn to the back of my skull. I am restless and yet empty.
I’m failing. I just can’t see myself carrying on like this.
I’m so tired of being tired. I would like death to come and embrace me now but I am in too much pain to go and seek it.
Damn chronic illness. Why me? I would not wish this […]
Hey. For starters, I’m 18. As soon as I turned 18 I was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder. It’s the youngest you can be with this diagnosis. I grew up in a stable house hold, with stable parents, and 2 stable older brothers. Where the hell I came from is beyond me. From an early age I showed signs of isolation and poor self esteem. In the 6th grade I wrote a letter regarding how depressed I was to my teacher. No action was taken.
Even as I type this, I feel no attachment to my past. I feel no connection to the daily self harm […]
I just don’t know what to do with myself now. I’ve pretty much completed the biggest part of my bucket list (somewhere I traveled) and now I can’t seem to motivate myself at all. I know what I would want to do in the future, but now it feels like whether I make it to that point or not doesn’t matter at all. I have a wonderful life filled with supportive and kind people who tell me daily how much potential I have, but I have nothing to show for it. Guilt and a vague but almost desperate feeling of “there’s surely something left for you […]
I used to enjoy softball. It was hard work, sometimes it was draining, but I actually like. I don’t think I do anymore. Everyone expects something from me. My parents and tournament softball coach think that I can play college and expect so much more than I’m capable of. My high school coach thinks I can’t do anything and doesn’t give me a chance. He expects nothing from me. I can’t deal with all of this. I wish I could go back and start over. I wish I was more athletic. I wish I was more confident in myself. I wish people could see […]
i’m empty inside. I don’t care what happens to anyone around me. I don’t have the will to live. I hate everyone around me. I don’t know who I am. I don’t want to live but I’m too scared to die. I want all the pain to stop.
I feel done. It’s this feeling of emptiness and loneliness. I don’t have any motivation to do anything. I’m so much more tired to do things. I just want to sleep all day. I don’t know why I feel this way. I just do. I can’t talk to anyone about it because my friends won’t understand and my parents will just say that I’m being dramatic.
I thought I was getting better.
I guess I’m not.
Lately I’ve been feeling numb, almost like I can’t feel anything at all. I still cry, I just don’t know why;it’s not because I’m upset, I just burst into tears all of a sudden. Then again, it’s not exactly easy to ‘feel’ connected to people when you’re almost completely cut off from them.
The people I thought were my friends don’t seem the same anymore. Maybe because we’re growing up; everyone changes when they grow up, and we drift in and out of one another’s lives. I could be completely wrong, and I could be behind it all. […]
What my brain apparently told me today:
1. Get a small coffee but refill it way more times than you should. Repeat until hands tremble, and blinking no longer makes logical sense.
2. Hold the nearest pencil without dropping it, and draw a picture of Alan Ominous’s avatar on the back of your receipt.
(His avatar is “Crazy Eyes” from the Adam Sandler movie “Mr. Deeds”. Google it to see a plethora of eyes going in separate directions.)
3. Stop after 40 minutes, no matter how BAD the drawing looks. Ignore the buzzing sound in your head as you take a picture of the drawing and post it […]
I always feel as if my chest is empty.
So I’ve decided that since I’ll never fill it, I shall make the rest of me feel empty.
I’m working on a series of paintings of the gulf. I have a friend who has been supplying me with a steady diet of gulf pics. He is down there for a fresh start, having made so many fresh starts in his life.
He sends me birds, water. Night, day. Sun, clouds. Amazing stuff really.
This is typically where I come up with some colloquial witticism. I’m fresh out of platitudes tonight, be them empty or full. Time for bed. Enjoy the night friends.
Recently, I’ve began to feel entirely empty.
Even the one thing that I once loved to do and helped me not feel like a freak… I don’t feel different when doing said thing.
I’ve felt that I should die even more intensely, even to the point where from my last suicide attempt, I barely felt anything. Just vast emptiness.
I’ve also experienced even more self-hate for my body. I don’t like seeing my own face anymore. I’m beginning to not even like my own hair, the only thing that I was actually proud of about my body.
Well, I guess I shall end this post.
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