It happened after my 7th attempt, I was desperate and intrigued to Attempt again. My parents suggested we head to the mall, on my way to the car I found something that got me excited. There was a big Anti-freeze container sitting outside In our neighbors doorsteps. Now Ive been researching my crap for 3 years so I knew damn well how dangerous that thing is. The next day after that I told my parents I’m taking walk outside, little did you know I went to grab that antifreeze and dashed as fast I could without getting seen by anyone. I went behind the church and drank a whole pint of anti-freeze. To my surprise, I got drunk few hours later. now this thing can kill you with 12-24 hours. At night I had tons of trips to the bathroom and then I collapsed and woke up in my bed with my parents sitting next to me clueless on what was happening. Turns out my kidneys stopped and I got knocked out. When I woke up I had slurred speech, drooling, staggering, and was vomiting blood( all of which are symptoms of ethylene glycol poisoning) my parents were concerned and I lied and said I drank lots of beer at once and they believed the story since all the harsh cleaners and poisons in our house are hidden. 12 hours past and I was still not dead, it was in about that time that I was taken to the hospital because my parents saw that I was still staggering so it couldn’t be beer. I stayed in the hospital for a week and made a full recovery( believe it or not I walked away with no kidney damage) and then I was taken to a psych ward. So basically all in all we didn’t do shit at the end. And this ladies is gentlemen, is how to not kill yourself!
hello, i don’t want any suggestions or counselling. I’m really strong for not needing such advisory services.
OK, so let me start…
I have this best friend, whom I fell in love with, after 4 years of being best-friends with her. We used to share everything amongst us. Falling for her was never intentional. In the later stages of 4th year, her behaviour towards me changed a lot, i don’t know what happened. I never realised that I fell in love with her. She knew this very well. After some months, she told me to focus on studies, and not get into it.
Since then, I can’t get her out of my mind. I never contacted her for almost one year, thinking I would get over this thing. But to surprise, life just got worse. I completely lost focus on academics, got into bad company, guilt of not fulfilling my parents expectations is killing me the most. After that, she had 2 boyfriends, none of them lasted for long. My life has become so miserable, I can’t eat, sleep, study properly.
I’ve had suicidal thoughts a dozen times by now. I’m just searching some peaceful ways to free my soul. If not, I’m just waiting to die.
Actually, I’ve been a lurker for the longest time. On and off. Never posted before though. I don’t think I’ve ever been actually the text book definition of suicidal, but I wonder about death (and life) a lot. The last time I had been on here was about 2 years ago. So today when I came across this video, I surprised myself to suddenly find that my very first thought was to share it here on TSP.
So HELLO SPians, and here’s to life and death, our favorite oil-and-water odd couple…
Enjoy CREEP (Radiohead, 1992), performed by this raspy and wholehearted former street performer, “Mustard” (aka. Danny “Homeless”, “Cry Baby”). Like him, and probably just as Radiohead’s Thom Yorke might have been thinking back in the 90s when he wrote this piece, SumTimesIWonder just that. What the f**k am I doing here? One day. We’ll know. What we are. What we were. Doing here.
My parents never talked to me and dismissed my problems because they are too perfect for their kid to have flaws I guess. I am a weird kid. I never kissed a girl, never had friends, never had a childhood and I guess I never grew out of it.
A new employee at work is a girl who is the friendliest person I ever met. On her first day she introduced herself to me and she seemed genuinely interested about me and she was smiling. She always smiles. Few days later a coworker told me that she said that I’m smart and nice.
She is my cure for all the years I’ll never get back. I feel like she is my last hope to be happy. Feeling her affection for me is what I imagine heroin feels like. I felt like my life is wroth living and there is something worth getting up for. I was desperate to talk to her as much as possible and see her all the time. Progressively she became more and more weirded out by me and I feel like she started avoiding me.
I am on my vacation time right now. I can’t stop being obsessive about her. I look around myself all the time in hope that I’ll see her walking the street and check the plates on every car in hope that I’ll see hers. I want to surprisingly run into her so I can see would she be happy or sad to see me. In my head at night I imagine all the scenarios where I just tell her everything and she lets me put my arm around her showing that I’m a human being worthy of love. I know that she would be repulsed if she knew how desperate I am and rejection would kill me as she is my last bit of hope.
I can’t handle being distant from her anymore so I followed her home from work and sat in my car in front of her apartment for hours. In the small hours I got too tired to not fall asleep in the car because of all the nights I didn’t sleep before that and so I came to the entrance and rang her three times on the entry phone just to hear her voice. I guess I waked her up and she said “Hello” in a tired voice and than even more silently “hello” again. I stayed silent and went home. I think I’ll come back in front of her apartment today and record her voice with a phone so I can listen to it
Escape. That’s what we desire. Want. Who doesn’t need to be wanted? This is our shot.
The reason we feel so empty and vile about ourselves isn’t our fault, it’s our
environment. We are one and the same and we need to take steps to stay alive. That’s
why I’m leaving to roam the country, feel free and alive again…like I did before and
I’m inviting any of you to join me. All we need is each other. There is unity in who
we are. We may be the black sheep, the broken hearted, the crazy psychos. But we are
also the explorers, the innovators, the care free, and the loving. We got one life to
live and maybe we feel so down because we aren’t living it. I already have a car, I plan
on getting a different vehicle before I leave. This will all happen within the next
month to 3 months at the max. Currently I am only going to bring along people 18+. I just would
love some companions on my journey. With nothing to hold us back, There is a place out
there for us all, we just need to find it. Whether you string along with me until the
end or you find where you want to be in a small little town you’re free to come or go
as you please. We won’t struggle, I know how to survive this kind of life as I’ve done
it before. If you don’t have a committment to your children there is no reason for you
to say no to coming with me, for you have no obligations. Hold my hand and know that
there are brighter days for all of us. It’s just on you take this opportunity to embrace
it. I know I’ve decided and I am. This will be in America, but if you are from another
country, we can always try to get you here. Truth is I’ve felt the same as everyones
posts I been reading and it makes me sad. We are all so full of potentional and we
could change the world it’s just that we don’t feel good mentally. I don’t want us to
die I want us to be together. We really are one, and we’ll go from place to place, telling
and making new stories, meeting new people, helping others, looking for a place to call
home, listening to our music, hopping trains, fishing for food, camping, driving down
abandoned roads at 90 mph, read books under the stars, party with strangers, exploring
places people rarely see, and sharing it all with the people we care about. I’m inviting
you all to a new lifestyle. I’m inviting you all to the TRLT legacy. The Road Less
Traveled= TRLT. Don’t give up on life, love rewards love, and anything that endures for
a shorter time than the soul does is incapible of satisfying the soul. Well these memories
will last forever. TRLT Legacy.
I sit here and wonder what is wrong with me?
Looking down a the black tunnel and I blindly see
Nothing but darkness and blackness
All I have ever wanted is to just be loved
Women look upon me as some cancer they don’t want
I just want the pain to end
Around the corner of the bend I see the bus.
Just waiting now because soon I will have my ticket.
I have tried to give everything to the relationships I have had
They all have failed which just makes me sad.
I don’t know if this even will make any sense to anyone
Its becoming harder to even remain lucid anymore.
I just wanted someone that cares and loves me
But all I see is death coming to me.
Tonight, I am planning to kill myself. I have planned many times to but I have held back because of what seemed like people who cared or the sacredness of what people would think if I failed. Tonight, however, ends all of this. To if you were my friend or you call yourself a friend of mine, I am sorry, but you should have known this was coming. To my family aside from my adoptive mom, I am sorry. To my teachers and other adults, why could not have done something. I know you guys have seen my cuts and scars. Some of you have even heard parts of my story, but no, you did not try anything more than a talk, if that was even it. To the people that might have brought me to this, like the person who raped me and the people who would bully me, I hope you don’t do this to anyone else. Tonight, if I somehow see tomorrow, I shall try agian and agian until I successfully die. Who knows what will be next, another side or my body decomposing into the earth while I am forgotten. Most of you will forget about me in a week or two, some it might take a month. A year with the very few, but with the people who make it to two years, you are remembering nothing at all. Don’t focus on what you believe who I was because I was not who I seemed to be on the outside. That focus will only bring out what you thought was my happiness which was really me already dead inside with a shell on top. I am sorry if you “cared” about me, even though you did not. Goodbye world. Goodbye.
I think i know whats wrong with me now. Its not that im suicidal. I just dont care about myself or anyone else anymore. I used to be the most talkative person to the point my mother told i talk too much as much as she does. But one thing I can say I’ve learned about people and myself is that for some it takes a lot to change them or for some like the joker says in the dark night it only takes a little push. I myself was to take a lot however letting my current girlfriend deep into my heart was a huge mistake. She has done so much damage to me to where I dont trust what people say, I get angry over small things, I dont care about people, and I just want to be left alone. I leave for boot camp in 22 days and I already feel lost and what im told the Marines do in trainning I feel like my mind will be permanently fixed this way. I want to be who I was again not who I am now. I havent prayed in awhile because I feel God hasnt been listening to me so my faith is about gone. I wont tell my parents because they will put me in counseling. I guess the purpose of this post is not that im giving up but I want to find myself before its too late. Can anyone help or guide me somehow?
Chronic PainCoping SkillsFamily & Friends EffectsFun & InterestingGeneralI Will SurviveMy Suicide NotePoetry & ArtRantsStories of HopeStories of LossSuicidal Survivors
I’ve always wanted to submerge myself into something that would help numb these feelings,
I’ve always wanted to experience that complete lostness you see in someone deep into their work,
I’ve always envied that.
I’ve tried to lose myself in alcohol,
but these feelings make is seem as if I’m drinking poison.
I’ve tried to lose myself in drugs,
but these feelings make the strongest “uppers” into downers.
I knew these weren’t positive things to lose myself in,
but I didn’t care,
I was so desperate.
I’ve always wanted to be a great writer,
I wanted to paint beautiful scenes with my words,
but creativity seems to be degraded when there’s never a happy ending.
I’ve always have begged to be “normal” or “average”,
but they sneered and said I was “unique.”
I’ve always been told to embrace myself,
but no one seemed to follow when I did.
Can someone please help me end this? This is ridiculous.
For me to have the strength to end it all, i would have to have some motivation. If I had any motivation to do anything, I would cling to it. I would survive.
At this very moment, though, I only have the precious remnants of it. I’m drunk, so there’s some dopamine or some other shit in my system letting me be enough of a human to write this. Letting me be a man. A man which is strong enough to send a hopeless and desperate cry for help.
I work 50 hours a week and I give my hard-earned money away just to be able to dream about having enough money to somehow end this pathetic caricature of a real life.
This is prison. This is torture. This is the ultimate joke and the ultimate human experience at the same time.
Nature is cruel as it is, but to experience its injustice with a “virtue” of a human brain…To even remotely grasp the horror we actually live in…Then to experience the worst outcome and the biggest sorrow imaginable…Just to understand that even those horrific experiences and those awful feelings of dread and hopelessness were a blessing. A blessing compared to what “I” now “feel” everyday. Emptiness. Nothingness.
Tears dropped when I first understood that even my understanding of hopelessness can pass. And now dread is upon me, because those tears stopped. Almost.
I need to end this until I “sleep”.
The weather got too fucking hot for the first time this year, so I decided to take off all clothes. I heard that it is possible to pass out by touching my carotid artery and I found out that it is on my neck around my ear. I pressed against it at times and I came close to passing out, but there must be an extremely narrow place touch because at other times, it just hurt! I took an old shirt and wrapped it around my neck and I was trying to press against the carotid artery and I came close to passing out a couple more times, but for some reason, the blood was able to keep going to my brain and I didn’t pass out. I knew that I wouldn’t be lucky enough to die because the shirt would loosen up around my neck as soon as I passed out, but I just wanted to pass out, even if it was for only for a few seconds so I could be at peace and not think about all the stupidity and horrible things in this world! I wrapped the shirt around my neck as tight as I could get it and then I jerked off! The orgasm felt real good and I make interesting moans when I orgasm while I try to choke myself! I then put my clothes back on because I always have so many things to do! I have been feeling manic a lot more often than usual because I am about to go on a trip next week, so I can spend an entire weekend riding trains! I want to be able to stay alive to experience that!
I have been stuck here for 15 years. I have parents that are very old fashioned, but lately have been slacking up with my brother (5 years younger than me) and it is pissing me off. He has turned into a sneaky brat. And my parents thing I’M the disrespectful one. No, but the two of us shouldn’t have the same rules. They smother me and I am not allowed to go out. Oh, and I weigh 90llbs and want to weigh 80. So I basically just want me and my boyfriend to move away into the forest with our guns, horses, and no food or people forever. Anyone else ever felt this way? ;P
She stood by the bedpost and looked out the window
Her voice was a whisper
Save me it muttered to the darkness
The moonlit room was a hollow heart
Much like the one inside her chest
Beating one, two, one, two
She put a dark red capsule into her mouth
And as a single tear rolled down her cheek
She looked back on everything she’d seen in her life
No more, her voice so soft she wasn’t sure she was even speaking
Her heartbeat slowed
Her eyes closed, tired of seeing the moon
And the last thing she saw was her eyelids
Locking the door on a dim future
For a bird who lost its wings
I’ve had a pretty rough life. From the time I was born I could tell I was unwanted. My mom and dad went to work and left me with the baby sitter day after day. They’d just come home, not even glance at me, and go to sleep. I didn’t mind that though. As long as my parents were asleep they weren’t fighting. Their fights were bad. They would yell, scream, kick, and fight. It was awful. I can remember countless nights where I would hide under my bed behind my box of hotwheels praying to whatever god existed that they would just stop fighting. That was the early times of my life. As I grew up things only got worse. They stopped caring if i was in the room when they fought. I was only in 4th grade when I saw my dad hit my mom for the first time. She was complaining about how he spends too much money on booze. The drunken idiot thought the most intelligent rebuttal would be to back hand her so hard that she laid on the ground for the next 15 minutes. School didn’t help much either. Instead of a place to get away from it all, it was only a place for more pain. I was always the outcast at recess, i was never invited to play kickball or anything like that. Everyday I would run to the back right of the grass field and hide in the thicket of small tress. Back there no one judged me, no one could be mean to me. Sadly there is no recess in the later years of school which means no escape. Things at home didn’t change at all, well except for the fact my dad started hitting me as well as my mother. And of course kids never change. If it was for my hair, my shoes, or even the way I talked, they would make fun of me. I just used all my time and effort in science class. I loved science, it was like an art. Making and discovering new things was amazing. Time when on and I finally got to high school. It was at this time I decided to take culinary as a hobby to go with my science. I was amazing in the kitchen, it just felt right to be in front of the stove. My teacher was extremely helpful too. She always came to talk to me when she saw me behind the pantry crying. I’d tell her how things at home where at their all time worst with my dad. There was no more calming him during his drunken rages anymore. Mrs. Jones would pat my back and tell me everything would be alright. Over the years the combination of my complete dedication to culinary and my love for science, I became a master chef. It was my Jr. year and my cooking was so good that Mrs. Jones convinced the principal to let me have my own little restaurant during lunch. This made all the popular kids jealous and just bully me more, they were relentless. But one was more cruel than them all, his name is Sheldon. Sheldon was one of the most popular kids in the school. Everyone loved him, he had perfect grades, he was athletic, and he was almost as good as a chef as me. But thanks to my love for science, I had experimented so much with food that I found the perfect ingredient to add to every dish. Sheldon hated me for being better than him. Every day he would assault me, both physically and mentally. He would call me names, shove me into the stove, and throw pepper in my face. He was awful. He told me he would never stop unless I told him how I made my food so good. But I would never tell, i could never tell. This all I had left in my miserable life. After a year of him assaulting me, he finally had enough of my stubbornness. He grabbed his best friend and jumped me the day before winter break. They said if I didn’t tell them the secret they would lock me in the freezer to die over winter break. No one would be at the school, the last period of culinary had just let out, no one would know. Little did they know, with life at home worse than I ever thought possible due to the divorce and I wanted to die. They kicked the ever loving shit out of me and closed the door. I’ve been here for about an hour now. I can feel myself getting more tired, slowly getting weaker and weaker. Death coming ever nearer. I could use my phone to call for help, but what’s the point. I want to die, my life isn’t worth anything. It isn’t going anywhere. So I sit here and wait for my death with happiness. I consider this a suicide since I could get out at anytime, but the knowledge of my worthless existence keeps me from saving myself. I can finally die, peacefully. I can still remember the last words of those two.
It was Sheldon J. and Peter Poni Pepperoni screaming
Ravioli ravioli, give me the formuoli.
I’m just done. I really don’t know how to cope with anything anymore. My mom has been in a bad mood for the past week, because she is very stressed about christmas shopping. And of course whenever she’s angry, who does she take her anger out on? Her family. So her and my older brother were fighting about were the clicker was, and my mom got really angry. She was calling him a bastard, lazy ass etc. And my brother just said “Can you stop being a dick to me”, which he should never had said. She starts saying how terrible we all are then she attacks me and says how I’m such a *****. I was very angry, so i just said “I’m sick of this shit”. Then she starts bawling. And whenever she cries everyone comforts her and hugs her. When I cry I get called a drama queen and a ***** and everyone looks down on me. She is bawling about how she is so stressed and she doesn’t deserve to be treated like this. But that’s how i feel when she taunts me and calls me names. Now she said she is bringing back all my christmas presents and that I’m nothing but a loudmouth *****. So now my phone is gone forever so now I can’t talk to anybody about this. I knew this would happen, it happens every single holiday. I can’t fucking stand being treated like this anymore. And I know once my dad gets home he’s going to attack me as well. They don’t even care anymore. They have still neglected my medical needs for months now. I still need a physical, a gastroenterologist, an MRI, an MRA, and a therapist. They don’t have enough money for a physical but they have enough money to buy a shitload of alcohol. I just need someone to listen to me, because no one else will. And I hate it when people tell me to get help not attention. I don’t want attention I want somebody to help me, because my parents refuse to help me, I don’t have a phone to talk to anyone, and my parents refuse to get me a therapist. They tell me I’m just wasting their money. I’m all alone. I have nobody. I’m still being bullied. I really do feel like dying, and the worst part is, nobody cares.
People say only cowards kill themselves…they need a way out so they take their own lives. That’s not true people have so many problems when they hit bottom you would think the only way to go from there is up. Some people like myself mentally and physically can’t we don’t see no were to go…we once had a thing that pushed us to live, but that thing is no longer there. I’m going to be honest I think about killing myself at least once a day. To be honest again if I knew how many pills to take then I would be already gone…I don’t want to wake back up I want to be gone. That’s why most kids today have not killed themselves they are afraid to wake back up. We go day by day thinking why would god put me in this life? Why would he suffer me like this? God loves all his children he gives us a path and we have to choose it…he want’s no matter what for us to live no matter what we are going through. That’s the amazing thing about humans we are born to fight. If you are like me I keep everything held in I don’t like to talk about my problems, it usually all builds up until I have a breaking point. I am at my breaking point now…I may not even be here tomorrow. People say that they are here for us and people love and will miss us but they don’t process the fact that once we are gone they will remember but like everything else they will forget…the love they had for us will still be there but the pain won’t hurt them after time passes…I know what all you guys are going through believe me I know. I am 15 and have a lot of life ahead of me but what I want most out of the world is not to live that life I want to be gone.
You know when somebody says “You shouldn’t be around people who make you unhappy.” There’s only one person that makes me unhappy, and that’s my mom. The worst part is I am forced to be around her. She is emotionally abusive and she claims that she has never said anything bad to me. She says I’m a *****, a drama queen, that I’m crazy, and she hopes I run away. She is the reason i cry so much. I’ve suffered from depression since I was 8, and my mom has always belittled me about it. My older brother at the age of 7 had a ruptured AVM in his brain. He had to have brain surgery and he almost died, it was one of the worst moments of my life. So whenever there is a problem with my mental health she compares it to what happened to my brother. She asked me one time “Why do you get so angry and upset?” And i told her it was because i have anger issues. Then it turns into “Who diagnosed YOU with anger issues?”. And that is nothing compared to some of the other things she has said to me. I’ve attempted suicide twice, and it wasn’t until the second time, when i was 14, she found out. The first time I was ten and i tried wrapping my dogs leash around my neck and tying it on the pole in my closet. So one day we got into a fight and I was crying in my closet, so my mom sent my little brother in to watch me, and these were her exact words: “Jack, you stay in here with Tara so she can’t say (in a high pitched voice) ‘Oh I tried to hang myself with Muffin’s leash!”.” I couldn’t believe she said that, I was shocked. I went to a partial care program called High Focus Center for my second attempt, and we had group therapy and everyone gets a chance to process. I told the therapist and the other teens some of the things my mom has said and done to me, and they were shocked. They told me I should’ve called dyfs, and my therapist told my mom they had said that. She was so mad at me. She then told my therapist that I was making up stories and that this was all in my head. I felt like i was nothing. I hate how she is always in denial. She denies i have mental issues, she even denies she has a drinking problem. She also denies how she is abusive to my dad, she’s thrown things at him, screamed at him that he’s a fat fuck and that she wishes they could get a divorce. Whenever my parents get in a fight, I always make sure I have an eye on them because I’m scared somebody will get hurt. She treats both of my brothers better than me, and I just don’t know what to do. I’ve attempted to talk to her but it turns into the whole “I’m the parent not you!” “I tell you what to do you don’t tell me!” And yes, I’m not the perfect daughter, I’m not nice all the time. But my mom overreacts and taunts me for days, telling me I’m a ***** and that she wishes she could move out and leave me and my dad. I don’t know what to do anymore. I’ve tried family meetings with a therapist as well, but I refuse to go to one again after she screamed at me in front of my therapist calling me a liar. At this point I don’t even want her to be a better mom, I just want her away from me. What should I do?
People call suicide “Selfish,”
Well I believe it’s time for me to be selfish.
All this world has done for me is drag me down,
it’s the weight that’s pulling me down to the bottom.
Why should I care about others feelings being hurt,
when they have done nothing to benefit mine.
We’re all going to die sometime,
so why not do it now?
Get it over with,
so the scars of grief caused by our deaths heal,
so our sorrow of being alive will end.
Our eyes met,
and for some reason I just couldn’t resist you,
I fell fast and so did you.
But then the sweet words you called me turned sour,
the touching wasn’t so gentle anymore,
you left bruises and scars,
but somehow it felt better to go through this pain with you,
I never believed in God,
but I started praying for death,
hoping some greater power could take me out of this misery.
Your mean words became my reality,
and my bruises you left on my body never healed,
they were permanent.
I left you, with swollen eyes and a heavy heart,
never knowing if I would find someone that would make me so miserably happy.