I don’t think i can do this any more, i feel as if I’m just annoying everyone and that no one needs me any more which is true my father don’t even want to spend time with me any more. His started speaking in French so I don’t understand him when his talking to other family members but i understand what he says. Maybe leaving this wretched world will give everyone peace especially me. I can’t take the pain from being the mistake in the family, i mean i know i am the mistake it’s everyday i get told i am. I didn’t ask to […]
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family
Lately I’ve been terrified. I don’t want to go downstairs, I don’t want to see anyone. And I most definitely don’t want to leave the house.
I missed college, again. That wasn’t entirely due to the fact that everyone is trying to kill me outside. No. Saturday morning I was forced to restart my medication because my moods have been ridiculous. An hour after taking it I had awful pains in my stomach and I was throwing up, and another hour later shooting pains were going through my chest.
Within a few hours I was burning up and I was hurting everywhere. My temperature was high enough […]
So i’ve been living throughout this suicide phase for so long, ever since elementary school. I’m less suicidal though, I’ve learned to have self-determination and to live by my own standards and goals. I’m very active now and try to do positive things that helps me ignore the negativity in my life. This thing so called “family” is a word I erased from my dictionary. Family was never there for me. (sorry and excuse me when I jump all over, my thought process is really fucked up so ill cut it into chunks that cut my thoughts)
My story goes like this, typical asian scenario where […]
I know i don’t want to die but really, what other option do i have? Life is just too stressful and i don’t know what to do anymore. So for all of you reading this i think im just gonna kill myself, I’ve tried with multiple unsuccessful attempts but in the end im just going to do it while my parents are sleeping. I plan to leave a suicide note for my family and if any of my family is reading this or if someone knows me and figures out its me then please please please tell my mom im sorry and that i did […]
the last time i posted here my mom had just passed away. that was november 18. january 13 my dad died. to say i am overwhelmed would be an understatement. the monumental task of dealing with one unexpected death becomes herculean with two. at age 45 i am essentially an orphan. and i feel so alone. the busyness of making funeral arrangements, visitation, funeral etc etc gives way to the utter loneliness and despair of everyday life. everyone goes back to their lives. everyone just tries to go on like nothing ever happened. they forget. i wish i could. i got sent home from work […]
i fucked up my arm last night. it still feels tingly and weird (and painful), and i think it’s still bleeding… i’m so fucked if i need stitches. i just wanted to see the blood drip. i didn’t want to mess my arm up like this.
in other news, i haven’t seen or spoken to my family in a week, and even though it was my choice to isolate myself, i still feel like crap. hearing them laugh and get along just fine without me, no concern whether i’m dead or not in this tiny room… i mean, this is what i wanted. i don’t want […]
I’m trying to keep it together here… I feel like life is just bearing down as hard as it can right now without outright killing me in some torturous way. Yesterday I found out that my sister, my best and… pretty much only real friend in life has a cyst near her brain that’s pressing against it and causing bleeding. She went to Seattle by EM Transport last night and I talked to her for a while on Facebook but… I just wish I could be there with her.
Not a day earlier I talked with… the best guy I know. A guy I’ve had a […]
There is no excerpt because this is a protected post.
So I decided this time I was going to talk to my family about my being down the hill. I can’t remember why, it sounds selfish, but then no one may say I didn’t try it all…
My family is a mess. I grew up watching my mother crying in desperation almost every day because of her feeling lonely and impotent and not knowing how she was going to make it with so many kids (4). But we weren’t supposed to acknowledge knowing she was crying. I don’t remember what I though about it, but I remember it felt really bad. I remember that by then […]
Day by day I feel like a sand clock seen the day pass by so slow that I can’t even breath.
Since my grandoarents died I feel so empty that I can’t fight anymore I’m sick and I hate all the treatments. My mother day by day tell how much she love’s my brother and that she doesn’t expect anything from me. I hate these pain that I just want to die.
At the university I met my husband he is my best friend he wanted to take care of me so we married on august 20, 2015 on the civil court but he never touch me […]
I made a decision as the clock turned midnight on new years if this year doesn’t pick up I don’t see a point in playing
this game anylonger, I might even quit sooner, Im 17 and my life is hell. I thought my life was going to pick up and finally go my way. I got a job interview, I applied for some TAFE courses and I was three weeks ahead on rent. Then christmas came around, I was kicked out and my rent returned (thankfully) I spent christmas packing, they gave me a week to leave (which Im pretty sure is against the law but whatever). I […]
I didn’t really know were else to come but here so…
I always feel sore somewhere, my hands have had problems for years, my back often gets sore as well as my feet when standing of walking for a long time. My knees can start to hurt too and sometimes my joints feel so uncomfortable, not in a hurting way though, just a weak way. Lately I have also been getting sore hips, or they just feel really weak.
I’m 15 year’s old and I’m quite athletic, I’m pretty sure I eat healthy (Healthy enough) and I am quite fit compared to most other people my age […]
I am fairly certain about my misery and my mental illness. I know I can’t be cured. Well most of the mental diseases can’t be cured. Even doctor said that it can be manageable. Manageable not cured. Fuck manageable. I am tired of this shit. All the time living in fear that I am gonna collapse now. I am gonna freak out now in public and What to say about the demons. Thankfully they are at rest now. Even without them life is so miserable. I wish them to wake up now. So I can end this pathetic miserable life.
Every fucking day/ at some point/after […]
Yesterday I went to a party with some close friends. The party ended up being at an apartment complex on the sixth floor. The night went on and things were fun for a while, but then it was like something inside me snapped, or changed. I couldn’t breathe, I felt warm, and I got blotchy and flushed. I went outside onto the balcony. Once I closed the sliding door, I felt so alone. I’m scared of heights, but for some reason I went and leaned over on the railing. Instead of panicking like I usually do when so high up, I stayed and looked down. […]
Its the same old, same old really. I’m a pissed off misanthrope lacking more than a shy percentage of a will to live. I hate sounding like a melodramatic prick but honestly I can’t very well voice my mind without at least coming off to a few people that way. I try to stay honest, I try to stay logical and not let my inflated ego obstruct me…
But honestly… I’m just, ya know, tired. I’m sick of fighting only to look forward and see bigger and bigger battles. Its demoralizing. I’m 17, graduated highschool early, on to tech school to hopefully get a job with […]
NO home
family out of sight
tears shed
on this cold, dark night.
A razor
a deadly kiss
who wouldve known
it would end up like this.
A new year
the same shit
always sad
feeling worthless.
Had it up to here
cant go on
have no where to go
I dont belong.
I’m tired. Exhausted. My body wants to curl up into a fetal position and sleep for the next 2000 years.
Maybe life is better in 4016.
I you see, I don’t want to die. I don’t want to put my family through such sorrow and grieving. I love them all too much to chose to leave in sudden death. I don’t want to leave my mother wondering what she could have done better, or if she had said the right thing. I couldn’t do that to her, she doesn’t deserve that.
But I want to leave. I never used to be all that religious, but recently something has changed for […]
There is no excerpt because this is a protected post.
Lately I’ve been having medical issues. Serious, taxing, stressful medical issues. Issues that my mom, who works with a doctor, could clear up. She could tell me what the hell is going on but she chooses not to. I see a specialist tomorrow. Ever since I got my bloodwork results back, I’ve been stressed and anxious. Well, moreso than usual. These two things make it harder for me to focus, making my already difficult high school courses even harder. This quarter we talked about suicide in Health, and that’s the first time I’ve ever shown a serious emotion in school. I had a breakdown. I […]
I’m so tired of this! I’m so tired of being treated like trash! I broke up with my girlfriend cause I wasnt happy. She’s now putting me through hell and making me feel horrible. I’m tired of my family being horrible to me. I’m tired of being made fun of. I’m tired of not wanting to go home. I want this to be over but I’m trapped. I cant get out of here alive. I just want to die and get this all over with. I dont have a special person I’ll be leaving so that wont hold me back. No one cares except my […]