As some of u may know, I commute about 2 hours each way to and from work. Part of my journey takes me past my old high school which I left a long long long time ago. I also go thru areas that were my old stomping grounds and even past two houses I used to live in with my parents. most days I pretty much keep my head down and read a book or look and post here on sp. But for some reason today I was casually looking out the bus Window when I got hit with all these memories from […]
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true
Find love.
Find faith.
Find truth.
Find acceptance.
As for me, I’ve found mine.
In the warmth of my reaper.
Her hand is gently grasping mine at the gates.
I’ve waited and wanted a true unconditionally accepting love.
Not once have I thought it would be her loving heart that would welcome me home.
She greets me warm. Her smile is intoxicating.
Her grip is strong, enough to break my will and see her true beauty.
Now I will just say good bye.
So, let’s start this off right, shall we? I suffer from psychosis. Meaning, I suffer from hallucinations on top of my major depressive disorder. These voices are evil creatures. James – The ring leader – wants me dead. Hailey wants others dead. Jimmy – The nice one – left years ago, I’m assuming hallucinations can off themselves too. I’m so sick of hearing from them. And yes, I’m on medication. And again, yes, I have been taking it. I’m so sick of this world. Nothing good comes of it. But god help me if I don’t want to live in this filth encrusted world we […]
To Airrie. To IamABuilding. To vho. To Soco. To Iwantpeace2.
To joeld. To AnnieBear. To Raven. To Fantajin. To Nathaniel_Morisawa.
To into_the_sky. To rivets. To butterfly1123. To whiskered-fish. To those I missed.
To ALL of you.
I urge you to watch this documentary. No, I am not here to “save” you.
I don’t come here with false promises or magic potions. All I have is me.
I am HERE4UOK.
I just want you to be more aware, more informed, to feel encouraged a little. Maybe. For a moment even. In a positive way.
Don’t let the tunnel vision of entrapment, the wall of people and circumstances around […]
Because my disposition is so heavily suited for very unsavory tasks such as merciless combat and deceit, this makes me ill-equipped for more mundane things like small talk, forming relationships, and creating effective art. However, this statement is a contradiction, as my disposition also makes it possible for me to exhibit fairly uncommon forms of altruism and to stress understanding and communication which are key elements in promoting harmony.
And yet, neither statement is true, because one’s memories (more importantly, the condition of their brain) define the persona that is constantly undergoing development. In this sense, who I am now is merely a result of odds. But such statements imply that my personality reflects an immaterial soul that I do not […]
Let me not to the marriage of true minds
Admit impediments. Love is not love
Which alters when it alteration finds,
Or bends with the remover to remove.
O no! it is an ever-fixed mark
That looks on tempests and is never shaken;
It is the star to every wand’ring bark,
Whose worth’s unknown, although his height be taken.
Love’s not Time’s fool, though rosy lips and cheeks
Within his bending sickle’s compass come;
Love alters not with his brief hours and weeks,
But bears it out even to the edge of doom.
If this be error and upon me prov’d,
I never writ, nor […]
Before I leave you all, I have one request.
Let those that I love know I love them. Let those who know me have a blessed life. Let those who I trust know where to speak.
As for the woman I miss and hope to fix one day down another life;
I hope you know that without you my demons overpower me. This is not your fault. Not your battle. As for you, I wish you find yourself. I found me in you.
I also lost myself in your glorious love. In your pleasant surprise of joy and truth. I will stay forever lost in the time that […]
Wow. I realize I only have a week before ya know, but I can’t stop feeling like I have things to do beforehand. I just don’t know if I can go another 6 years looking for someone who can just listen without flipping out and trying too hard to help. But I feel I’ve done too much damage to good people’s lives to stall. Like, for the love of bacon, why me? I used to be innocent and happy, and now I ain’t worth the dirt under my shoe. I guess not all dreams come true.
Someone requested a happier song, so here is a song I wrote in middle school. I had a huge crush on my best friend (nothing ever came of that), so I wrote this dorky love song. I swear, I wrote betters songs at 12 then I do now haha.
http://suicideproject.org/wp-content/uploads/2016/05/Hardly-Dreamable-5_9_16-5.03-PM.m4a
Verse
I have found my heart with yours
Our colors run together right from our pores
And the paper thin walls between us break so easily
I feel so needy
And I’ve been thinking…
Chorus
You won’t ever leave me, baby
Ain’t that right?
You’ll stay by my side forever, baby
And even though it seems […]
http://suicideproject.org/wp-content/uploads/2016/05/Five-Finger-Death-Punch-Coming-Down.m4a
Unequivocally I regret the time spent on the porch. Sitting. Pondering. Contemplating. I’ve never been one to dress up or down. My family being who they are, will inevitably be there for me in my passing. Not dressed up or down. However, they don’t understand who they expect me to be. I’m a loser. A fake. A fraud. Death is my only true companion. And I welcome her with open arms.
I remember researching this some years ago and recall that even though a nation would honor the criteria for euthanasia, it didn’t hold true for foreigners. Where can one go, for a low-cost, where one doesn’t have to be a national, and be primarily guaranteed death with minimal pain?
So to anyone on here that kind of knows me, no I’m still not dead :(, and yes I was supposed to be. Everything imploded and I was all set to get on outta here.
Then things looked up for a brief moment. Hope is dangerous. I was ready to die, why didn’t I just do it?? Now I’m scared again. Because I thought maybe I could stick around for a bit, but that’s turning out not to be true.
I’m right back where I was, only now I’m afraid.
I sit here in utter amazement like I have so many times before, paralyzed stuck on the couch where I’ve been since last night on the down side of this GOD FORSAKEN rollercoaster. It seems like the older I get, there’s not as many highs as there used to be just down, deeper and deeper, when I finally do reach the bottom there’s not even a little bit of light anymore, and it takes so long to reach the top again, I suppose I will get up soon and try and find something, anything to ease the pain like […]
It’s like a taste in my mouth..
Yes a taste, very faint, but still there
I can just see myself. Released into space
Suffocating from the lack of oxygen
Just so peacefully dying
I don’t want to blink and be dead
No…I want to feel it…to feel it slowly slipping away
I have these day dreams, where I’m in Chernobyl..
Walking down the street wearing the uniform of one of the original fire men..helmet to boots…
Just walking the empty city like a zombie
Letting the radiation turn my skin pail, my veins showing like I’m some kind of junkie,
A Fox walks up and asks? […]
In the beginning
They were just two kids
One lived with depression
The other lived in bliss
They found a new feeling
On June 26
Their world changed forever
After the first kiss
Months passed
At times life felt jaded
But they knew
They couldn’t be separated
Throughout their time
Love never faded
Storms came
But always dissipated
Colors vanished
On this one day
He could see red blood
But the sky turned grey
His angel had left
He started to decay
Sweet lovely death
She flew away
The still young child
Wept through the dreamland
He was walking alone
Though he could barely stand
He felt something […]
Just a post to say thank you to the awesome dudes/girls who replied to my first post and helped me out. I am truly grateful that you cared enough to reply and offer me support and sympathy. And especially for not preaching the feel good bullshit that is on 99% of help sites online.
I kind of feel as if I’ve hit a point in life, as if I am waking up to who I really am. It is terrifying but I have to be me. No matter how I am on the outside, my soul and brain are still me. It’s time for me to […]
I was going to write a long, motivational post but i just dont have it in me right now, its mid week and im already sick of it. If only there was a way to live without conforming to societies demands that leave you broken and soulless, since when doe living a life require us to trade our souls for enough money to live. I thought there was more to life but we spend the majority of it working, doing things that dont matter for bits of paper that we give away straight away so we can have a place to live, lights to see […]
It’s your typical existential thought but I think there is a perspective that no one has pointed out. All the good in the world and everything that people consider good is true by their own standards. Humans only have self justification and nothing else. Those who judge suicidal people and think we are wrong for thinking like that dont really have anyway knowing that we are wrong.
For all we know, wanting to end your life is the best thing one can do
Is it better that we have the choice to say goodbye, very possibly for the last time?, Or is it better not to have a goodbye?
Really I’m sure it’s the first one. At least than you can accept when someone goes that it’s true, …maybe
I guess it’s hard either way most of the time,
“No sir, I don’t like it”
Thoughts?
Edit: I’m back in moderation hell yay!
Sorry for spamming this song its (almost in)arguably the best part of the movie now on to the post. In exactly 18 months one of 2 things will be true (well both if you subscribe to the scientifically plausible many worlds theory). My life will be significantly improved or i will be completing/completed my suicide. In 18 months I hit a milestone bday. Ive set dates before but this is final. This is less an ultimatum and more of a mad dash to get myself right. Despite my posts there is a fair amount of optimism that ill […]
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