i dont want to be alone anymore, but at the same time i dont want to put myself out there.
i dont understand why being alone bothers me so much if i dont want to take effort to change it. it makes no sense
im going to turn 30 soon, i have never dated or been in a relationship with anyone, ive never been intimate with anyone
i have been considering hiring a escort, but i dont know if i could even do that, what if i got caught? would my family despise me? consider me a terrible person? could i accept that?
what if i hired one, and instead of fufilling some need for intimacy it instead just made everything worse, what if its better to never know, than to experience something i will never get outside of the fantasy? that thought horrifies me
i have nothing interesting to contribute to a group setting, no fun stories, no interesting antictdotes, fun talents or exciting hobbies, im hopelessly forgetabble
i am also a terribly boring person, i cant say im really suprised people dont want to share experiences with me, i wouldent want to share experiences with me.
my hobbies are not interesting enough to talk about, i spend most of my time playing games and watching tv and anime. hardly fun things to hang out and expect people to be interested in hearing about.
i often read suggestions that the best way to meet new people is to go out there and do what you love and you will meet people along the way, what do you do if your interests are hollow distractions, that just keep you distracted for one day at a time?
when people ask me what i have been up to, i cant really answer them, because i have been doing literally nothing, i just tell them its the same old thing. it hurts.
sometimes they ask what my hobbies are, but its never a true interest, just small talk, but they are not interesting activities anyways, so i am not suprised
i have no job, barely any money, no way to travel easily. even if i could travel, where would i go? who would i meet? what would we talk about? what would be out there we could share in?
i visited family out of state not too long ago, some of them told me they were jealous that i have no real responsibilities or worries to deal with, i get what they are saying, life could indeed be worse as is always the case, but i wouldent wish my life on my worst enemy. its hard to describe why but its a terrible, empty life
i can count on one hand the number of people i have talked to outside of family members in 10 years in real life.
im starting to get kinda fat, its stupid because im not insanely obese just have a love handle and some stomach but it bothers me a lot, it makes me feel like everything is just too late, im already too old to experience any of these things and that it just too late, i have missed it all
its funny in a way to me, why should these things bother me? its not like im homeless, or starving, or struggling every day in a 9-5, i have more free time than i know what to do with, i should be happy right?yet, for some reason, i cant stand it anymore
maby i should just catch the train into the next life, if there is one, maby i will be a more fun person in that one, one worth talking to, laughing with or experiencing things with.
or maby i will just find another game, or another tv show, to distract me for a few more hours, so i dont have to think about it for a little while longer
when i was a kid, i always figured i was going to be dead by the time i was 30, but here i am, no end in sight