Every time I think about calling a suicide hotline I stop myself because I’m overwhelmed by the concept of having to explain my life to a total stranger. It seems like the first 3 hours would be spent just catching them up. Why bother?
My family are the only people I can count on. If I ever left this world my mother and sister would be broken beyond repair. No matter how much I think about the relief of leaving this burden called life, I don’t want to hurt the only people who gave a fuck about me. When people told me that I shouldn’t be alive because of the way I look, my mom still smiled in my face and hugged me everyday. I feel ashamed I’m not a better son. My mom deserved a son that’s talented, charming, and handsome But she’s stuck with me haha
So…
I am thinking, and searching on Google about it. And it feels good doing so because then everything becomes bearable: being scared of my future, being alone, being tired. I am thinking of staying on bed all day. I am sucking bigtime on my work and on my classes. I am trying and trying. But at the end nothing is working against my depression.
I am on therapy and on classes on how to deal with things. I am here. I called people and tried exercising. Tried being positive and living in present time. That’s what I am working on right now. But if I could […]
To play a game or something? I think it would be nice to think of an interactive game to play on the forum. Something to get our minds off of things.
We can do mad libs?
I will start, you will need to fill in these blank spaces first. Then transfer them to my short story. Copy and paste so we can all see what you came up with?
A Name _____
A Time _____
Adjective ______
Noun ______
Name again (the same as the first) _____
Verb ending in ing _____
Verb ending in ing _____
Noun _____
Noun _____
Verb _____
A Place _____
Another place _____
I woke up next to a name, today at a time. I’m thinking […]
Much sometimes. I have had such a crazy few weeks. I’ve been sick with a cold/flu/maybe viral pneumonia for two weeks now. All this coughing is a blast, I have had people get on my case about going to the doctor and my reply was, they can’t do anything this is the stuff EVERYONE else has and it’s viral. They can’t do shit to help me. I’m not wasting any money for them to tell me to take it easy and keep up on my fluids. Part of me wants it to kill me. If I don’t get better it’s going to turn into a […]
So, I’m an existential nihilist; The other day I was thinking about how as humans we constantly struggle to find a reason to live. A while back I read somewhere that the next step of human evolution is coming, and that one person in particular will thrust humanity forwards into that evolution. They said that the next step is transcending the human form by one of two ways: becoming one with technology (if you’ve seen the movie Transcendence it would be similar but on an obviously larger scale) or becoming one with the universe (aka spiritually). What if that is what happens after death, you transcend […]
People say that events in the past I should let go
But the sins I have committed they do not know
Many just don’t know my sacrifice
What I had to do to give my Angel paradise
My life was being filled with Darkness
She saved me before I became heartless
But again I lost my way in the dark mist
I almost slipped back into the abyss
She was holding me from falling under
But her cries was louder than thunder
She was holding on to the rope in pain
Seeing her suffer was driving me insane
Wanting to stop her cries
I started to tell her lies
I told her to let go because I can still […]
Does love really exist? I’ve wondered this many times. When I’ve dated guys and felt nice around them. When I’m with my grandma. When I think of dad. But then this feeling of emptiness comes along, and i hated it. Is that what love’s supposed to be? Emptiness? Why? Does mom feel like that when she thinks of me -if she ever does-? I hope not. I want her to only see the small good things I’ve done. they’re not so many but they’re something. Right? giving up my freedom wasn’t nothing, Right? God! If I had a dying wish it would be to hear […]
Had an appointment with the specialist today.
Her expert opinion was “There’s nothing more we can do for you.”
So no additional appointments were made, and as far as they’re concerned, I’m “done”.
Not even willing to discuss options about the tumor thing.
It was the oddest feeling, wheeling back out to the car, knowing I wouldn’t be coming back, but also knowing that I was still in just as much trouble.
I wonder if they just don’t want to be held liable if I end up dying while still […]
My birthday is coming up, and it’s coming up fast. I’m so scared for it to become another sufferable day for me. Im doing my senior project on that day and let me tell you… It’s hellish days full of utter loneliness. I’m not even exaggerating it. Nobody talks to me, my old friends mooch all over my sister and never intend on talking to me. They will look at me and not even acknowledge my very existence. It rips my heart in two.. I would not go to it.. If my parents weren’t so strict about it.. I got all my hours everything done! […]
“The so-called ‘psychotically depressed’ person who tries to kill herself doesn’t do so out of quote ‘hopelessness’ or any abstract conviction that life’s assets and debits do not square. And surely not because death seems suddenly appealing. The person in whom Its invisible agony reaches a certain unendurable level will kill herself the same way a trapped person will eventually jump from the window of a burning high-rise. Make no mistake about people who leap from burning windows. Their terror of falling from a great height is still just as great as it would be for you or me standing speculatively at the same window […]
I go into the hospital tomorrow morning for some tests.
One of them is a dexamethasone suppression test to see if I have Cushing’s Disease, the other is to see if I still have Osteomalacia. (Not osteoporosis but osteomalacia).
I’ll find out the results next week, plus I’m hoping they’ll start investigating the tumor in my head which showed up on the x-ray about 2 years ago. (Yeah, they’re taking their time with that for some reason).
If the worst-case scenario happens with the tumor, I may not even have to worry about suicide after all.. my body will self-destruct all on its own.
Still can’t decide whether that […]
Something dark has brought me back to this place, suicideproject just can’t be erased from my mind even after years. Ive had this ongoing struggle of unhappiness, and I can’t see to win the war.
even now a little older, and have a respectable career happiness hasn’t come. My job as a firefighter has only made me numb to seeing what death really looks like. Pulling half of bodies, limbs and charred remains from houses, mangled bodies from vehicle accidents, spraying off the walls of the people who spattered brains all over
Every once in a while you might save someone and make a difference, but did […]
I’m so depressed it’s unreal and to make thing worst my poor mum is doing my part my depression and anxiety is so bad I hardly leave the house so when the kids come round my mum takes them to school in the morning I feel so bad I want to kil myself if I was dead and my mum was doing them things it would be ok but I’m alive and can’t do it so it makes me feel more useless then I already am
Sometimes I just stare at my wrists when I get like this and wonder what it would be like to plunge a knife through my artery and veins. When the pain eats away at me and crying doesn’t even help. Crying used to help. I felt ashamed the other night when I just cried myself to sleep and woke up and realized that I didn’t take my dog out, that I left my kitchen a mess, that I slept in my clothes. I never do that. I have never cried myself to sleep either.
I wish it was possible to record the full experience that someone goes through in a day. I dont mean just recording the visual and auditory sound that they experience, but the emotions and the thoughts as well. All those impulses, all those triggers and feelings.
If I could show someone what it was like to be in my shoes, to fully be in my shoes, I feel like they would understand. They probably would be disgusted that they ever climbed to that level of existence and feel so glad that they dont live like that.
I know its going to be more and more possible in […]
i talked to my parents about me, about how i feel, and that i want to see a psychologist because i feel like i am dying inside but i wasnt strong enough to tell them that they were the reason, i feel this way because of them, i’ve figured it out. They are the ones fucking up my life and i hate it. i have figured that im completely happy when they are not around. But after i talked to them, it became worse, now they are all the time around, they dont even let me go to the freaking bathroom more than 3 m, […]
I’m about done, I’m tired of being the last child, I’m a twin, we’re the oldest, yet she gets everything, he gets everything, the baby gets everything. “How come I didn’t get to go to the restaurant?” -me. “Because we thought you were going to go outside.” -mum. “You don’t let me outside, I’m not allowed outside. Things would be easier if you didn’t have four kids, you could easily take care of us all, and maybe love us equally.” Then of course I get sent to my room. I’m tired. I’m tired of being tired of this life…
-BloodShallShed
is anyone else fascinated by death? I know it’s odd but I’ve never really been afraid of death. I mean, if someone swung a club at my head I’d duck on instinct, but when I think about death I’m just really curious. I would want to avoid pain and obviously there would be consequences, but I’m still fascinated. I’d love to see if I could make a good plan and carry it out effectively, I’d love to experience how it happens, I’d love to know if there’s an afterlife and what it’s like, or if there’s just nothing and I stop existing (not that I’d […]
Imagine how easy it would be to just take a bottle of pills or something simple slice on your wrist or just jump. Why can’t it just happen.