Ramblings

It’s been a tough few months for me lately.

Some days i hide it well, others, not so much.
Some days I am sat on my own in my bedroom and I feel so low I have no idea where to go or what to do.
I consider whether my next breath is worth taking dozens of times a day.
Some nights i go to sleep and admit to myself that not waking up; well it wouldn’t be so bad.
Sometimes i will try to talk family or friends but they are always seeming so happy that I don’t want to spoil their day so I put a brave face on.
I am void of all happiness and filled with nothing but despair, anger, sadness and self-loathing where those happy emotions used to be.

And, frankly I’m tired of sounding like a broken record.

I am a Catatonic Schizophrenic which you can imagine brings a fair share of problems itself. I am medicated, daily.
I exhibit all the telltale signs. Some more regularly than others.
And that makes it very hard being understood, especially by new people because I’m just “different” I suppose.
I get very little sleep. Probably less than 30hours a week every week, which I suppose qualifies me as an insomniac.

I had been with my girlfriend for over a year when we broke up earlier in the year, which hit me really hard.
Because i loved her, i really did and I have to come to terms with the fact i always will in some shape or form.
I have made numerous sucide attempts since then. I have been hospitalised 4 times. I have began self harming again.
It’s hard because, in her, was the first person who did understand me. I was actually able to be myself. A person whom even I had become strangers with prior. It was a weird feeling; one that gave me the will to live. Feeling understood was all I’d ever wanted and then it was ripped away from beneath me.

I have been a wreck since.
I dropped out of college after my first attempt to kill myself.
I lost so many friends because It is just too hard for them to deal with a person like me when sometimes they have to have their own problems to deal with. That is not to say I am completely friendless and i am thankful for that.

I guess that in life, sometimes the things which we thought we’d always hold onto slip away.

Some people think holding on in there shows strength. And maybe that’s true, it sort of does. But it also takes a great deal more strength to know when to let go and then do it, even if we once told ourselves we cared too much to let it happen.
But, the hardest thing off all isn’t letting go. It’s starting again. It’s laying the foundations to rebuild yourself.

I have tried so hard to find perfection in my life. To be “Normal”. To be happy again, without her. With someone new or by myself.
Then I realised something. Everyone else feels as empty as I do some days. Maybe less and maybe even more.
I realised that if you are surrounded by people with empty lives, then don’t expect them to fill yours.
After all, how can they? When they are as scared as me or as different as I.

I also decided that there is no such thing as perfection and normal either, I don’t think. Feeling lonely and sad and scared is normal, we all go through it, but some of us just suffer more than others. Maybe it’s not so futile to do something relaxing or that I enjoy just because the feelings of sorrow will return. Maybe the fact they return is a good enough reason to be happy now. What’s the point in being happy now if you’re going to be sad later? The answer is because You’re going to be sad later.
I know it’s hard to when you feel so down. I find writing helps and writing down my problems: it’s a very good way to vent and feel like you’ve got at least some of the anger or sadness or fear out of your head.

Because I’m not alone, not completely, not indefinitely. I can come here and talk to people any time, people who understand those feelings. I just have to try and remember that there will be a better day even if it’s not right now or tomorrow: it will come.

The fact of the matter is, pain won’t let go until you do and listen to me, you are not as powerless or pathetic as you imagine. You are the complete opposite, you are capable of amazing wonderful things and as for pathetic? No, you are absolutely amazing.