It’s over now and it seems like a nightmare I lost myself the first time and now I am losing hope. I have no interest in dating anymore.. I give up on the dream this time for good, I am tired of starting over and trying to do everything right and still having the same result. I spent 6 years working on loving myself and seeing myself as an amazing person who is worthy. And here I am newly single feeling crazy like I invented that I deserved love and was worthy. If these men who claimed to love me and care for me don’t […]
I feel like I’m insane like I can’t get a grip. I am trying so hard to keep it together every day and not lose it completely. I have internal battles, I can’t make decisions because I can’t trust that I am in the right head space and I second guess every decision I make. I exhaust myself, the smallest of things have set me off into a rage and I can’t control it. I cry to myself daily and the tears never stop. I have dark thoughts about offing myself constantly and I have to fight that away and it gets harder to do […]
Free from this world and free from this life. My family remains the same pieces of shit that they are. I had a significant other that is broken from my pain. Now he causes my pain and he does it without blinking. It’s over I feel it now, and it sucks. I will be spending my time off in the hospital because yet again my elderly relative is sick and no one else will step up. I have the weight of the world on my shoulders. That world is crumbling on top of me and I can’t keep going on like this. I can’t try […]
I allow myself to suffer when I know I deserve better. I feel as though i put myself through unnecessary pain. I allow others to hurt me, i hurt myself. Why cant i stop?!!! Im hurting physically, mentally and emotionally. I have taken several pills and mixed them with alcohol. I hope that it takes affect soon. I fear thar if i try and take my life again that i will fail and i cant handle that again. So i just want to numb the pain i wish for my death to be soon. I purchased life insurance and it will take affect starting february. […]
I am falling apart and it is becoming more and more difficult to keep it together. I am in an immense amount of pain mentally, emotionally and physically. I think about how being dead will stop all of this, but I don’t want to die. But at the same time I’m incredibly weak and suffering right now. This hurts, it hurts equally I’d be lying if I said it didn’t. I want to live but I am in agony and it’s hard to keep it together. I want a little bit of relief and peace and the fact that I can’t seem to get that […]
To have a big heart, to always consider everyone and everything else before myself. It hurts to be alive more than it feels good. I think I should leave this life now I’m broken completely and I don’t have the will to make it work. I need help and it never seems to come. Cutting doesn’t help anymore I have literally sliced my entire forearm just to feel relief from the emotional pain. But it was almost like my arm was made of stone and the cuts didn’t even phase me. I wish I had health insurance right now so that maybe I could see […]
I am sorry that you feel so much pain and that I can’t seem to take it away. I am sorry that you tried to be a good person and it never felt like it was enough. I am sorry for not loving you enough or protect you from all the bad things. I am sorry for every cut I made into your beautiful skin, I thought it would help with the pain but I see now that it made no difference. I am sorry that you have the weight of the world on your shoulders and that I am too weak to help carry […]
That sums it up. I deserved to live a good life without so much pain. But with time I’ve come to realize that it doesn’t matter what you deserve you get whatever you’re given. I’ve had so much pain in my life, been in the darkest holes. Each time I had to pull myself out because no one could help me but me. I had the will to do it then but now as I am older I feel what’s the point I only end up back again to a darker and deeper hole. And so I have chosen to stay this time and I […]
I’ve been fighting my battles my entire life, attempting to just be “ok”. I look back and feel such sadness for the younger versions of myself. My past doesn’t hurt me, at least not the same way anymore. It has made me a different person, angrier and worn down. Before me dying was a simple solution to complex suffering I couldn’t seem to get past. Seeing it now I know why everything in my life happened the way it did. I was meant to care for my relative I am her keeper and I wouldn’t change anything. I have watched her suffer far more than […]
All I have ever wanted is for someone to understand me, where I am coming from. No one ever does it is like they are incapable of understanding. They can’t imagine or even empathize the things I’ve been through and continue going through. I figure if I am so quick to throw my life away then let it be for something that matters. So I have been sacrificing my life for over a year in place of a sick relative. I sacrificed pursing a career so I could devote more time and care to her. My happiness sacrificed, relaxing, traveling, friendships, relationships, having kids. And […]
I haven’t been able to live and enjoy my life yet. There is always something sinking me to the bottom of the darkest holes. And each time I drag myself out its like leveling up and the next set of shit becomes more and more impossible. 2019 was an awful year, a draining year, the year that literally killed me inside. The year I wanted to blow my brains out more than I ever had before in my life. The year that I cut again so deep that I have a huge scar reminding me of how defeated I am. And then 2020 comes and […]
I have but 1 relative that always helped me no matter what and never threw it in my face or demanded anything in return. She has no kids I’m the closest thing she has to one. She has tons of medical problems and any time she needed me I was there. No matter what I was there. I put my life on hold to help her, no one else cares to help so it ALL falls on me. But everyone is quick to try and give advice or tell me what to do as if their opinion is even relevant the .001 seconds they came […]
I’ve come on here over the years to vent, to write about the things I feel. Things normal people would dismiss without any understanding what so ever. I fought hard and I had some years of relief I suppose but now its back with a vengeance. It’s like this fucked up form of cancer that literally sucks the life out of you. I went 7 years without cutting without a single thought of planning out my suicide. I cut again I sliced away the first slice was the deepest. There was hardly any relief it was mostly disappointment that I ended up back here again. […]
All my life i thought i lived in hell, that i was tortured. I escaped some of the deepest darkes place and pulled myself out. But new hells come and new levels of torture come. Now i understand truly what it is like to be helpless. Now i understand what torture truly is. And this hell seems never ending. The moment i think we have escaped it pulls us back in. The one person i love the most in this world is suffering because of a doctors mistake and its trickled into multiple doctors and nurses. And shes in pain she cries she suffers and […]
I’ve attempted suicide several times in my past. I’ve taken several prescription sleeping pills and pain pills hoping that I could escape. And each time I woke up with tears in my eyes. I felt like this was my own personal hell. I started cutting to help it was a distraction from the mental anguish and sometimes it was a punishment to myself. It was hard to believe there was a god and since I was a child up until now I just can’t. How could he be ok with what was happening to me, how could he let such horrible things happe I sexually […]
The depression is back in my life, and I can’t seem to shake it. I have nothing to really be sad about, the things that suck in my life I HAVE THE ABILITY to change it and make it better. But that doesn’t change how I feel. I know I deserve better and that I deserve to allow myself to be happy. But years full of fucked up bullshit have me too afraid to actually allow those things to happen, too afraid to legit try. I am so terrified of failing and feeling hurt again. Because if everything falls apart again I don’t know that […]
My family is unhealthy, they have caused each generation to be fucked up. They belittle and break instead of support and nurture. They are toxic, my depression and suicide attempts stem from all the seeds of self loathing they planted and helped grow. I’m older now and I don’t hate myself I may actually love myself so it doesn’t affect me like before. I stay out of obligation? fear of truly being alone? Who knows? I take care of 2 elderly relatives and it wouldn’t sit right with me if I just left them alone. So I stay I plan some stupid future to keep […]
Life has sucked significantly so this last year or so. From failing an exam and not being able to do what I got my degree in to working at an awful place. I decided that I wanted to enter the new year without any of the negativity. So I decided to quit that job that made me so unhappy. And as life had it that awful slime ball boss was treated like the trash he treated everyone else like and the owner fired him. Instant karma. I can now focus on studying to retake the exam and pass it third time is the charm right? […]
This world is such an ugly place overwhelmingly ugly. I ended up accepting a job I didn’t intend to accept and it pays next to nothing. The boss is some slimey sneaky guy and we discussed an hourly rate and yet he made me salary. And asks me to work overtime for some bullshit day rate that he still doesn’t pay me. I hate the job and realized that I want my previous profession so much more now. I have mixed emotions about sex, I very much enjoy it but at the same time it’s so disgusting and I want the desire to go away. […]
Still here, still fighting every day to keep my head above the ocean that is pain. I’m tired, no matter how much I sleep or how much I do nothing the exhaustion remains. More often than I’d like I get the urge to give in and let myself be submerged and drown. I cry because I don’t know what else to do, I am overwhelmed. I am alone because I’m too afraid to let anyone in and it sucks. I am damaged and no matter how hard I try to I can never be ok. There’s this guy that I was hooking up with and […]
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