“Everyone has their peaks and valleys” somedays are harder than others to which I want to scream at all of that non-sense. I KNOW some days are harder than others, I AM TIRED OF RUNNING THROUGH THE EMOTIONAL ROLLER COASTER. I get tired of feeling like I am doing this all alone. I push people out for what feels like silly reasons even though I feel like I am trying to keep myself sane. I stopped taking the 2 a.m calls from friends with tough nights or dropping everything I am doing because if the roles are reversed, the people in my life who were […]
It has been a while since my last post. I always seem to come back though. I have always used posting here as a way to let the sadness out and put it somewhere. I have carried my pain and sadness with shame for years like it doesn’t belong here and it’s embarrassing. I want to push it away somewhere and not think about it for a while. If I have a panic attack, the tears don’t stop and the emotions I have pushed down come exploding out. Yet, I do not want anyone to see me like this. I do not want to tell […]
When I think about you I get sick. I feel myself wanting to crawl out of my own skin. I want to scratch myself out from the inside. I would do anything to get you out of my head and out of my heart. I hate what you have done too me. I hate that I get scared or cry because of you. I know I am safe but my mind can not escape you. I hate you so much, I hate everything you did. It has been almost 2 years since you decided you could do what you did. Since you thought you could […]
I really just want to die. I just want to stop feeling so much pain and sadness. I wish I could wash it away or wave some magic wand and not feel the intoxicating hug of my depression. I am done pretending that I can get through this or that its going to get better, I have no way of knowing the future. I think about how I could just vanish and not have to feel so ashamed or pathetic, I don’t really self harm anymore it doesn’t help get the pain to go away, I think about trying again all the time. I feel […]
I am not sure how much longer I will continue to push down or sit on the emotions I am struggling to keep out. I am thinking about trying again. I don’t want to do this anymore. I can’t keep pretending it’s going to be OK or the light is at the end of the tunnel. I am done trying to pretend that this is going to get better. I can’t keep holding on to hope anymore.
wishing you could be different or a better person can be different for everyone. For me, all I want is to not be depressed. I want the terrible thoughts and the dark emotional clouds to go away. I sit and wish every moment I was gone. I wish that I could feel okay, like I was cared for. I hate that I feel I should rely on others but when others come to take all of my love away and can’t give any of it back… It stings, just a little. The emotional pain that sits and stirs around in my heart.. Some of it […]
I recently let my mental health control my college education AGAIN. I thought after the two hospitalizations and the constant risk of being homeless almost 2 years ago I would have learned my lesson. I lost my financial aid, I can’t pay rent because I am shitty at keeping a job. I am going through one of my credit cards going to collections because I fucked up how their payment process worked. I am damaged because I was raped. I have depression and I hate myself for not letting the right people in and the wrong people in. I wish I could just be some […]
I am not sure what to write or how to describe how I am feeling. why do I keep trying to cover up the scrapes with band-aids. The depression came along and then the anxiety trailed in after it. then the PTSD showed up to grab my hand. I wish I did not have to feel the way I do, I let the thoughts and the pain drown me.
I can’t think straight, all I want to do is numb the pain, all I want to do is wash it all away.
I really wish I could better describe how I am feeling right now. I probably […]
I hate that I try to be here. That I keep fighting. I go to therapy and lately or sometimes I don’t even feel like going. I feel empty and deflated. I try to move forward and make progress for others. I somehow convince myself that I am here for some of the few people that need me. I know I am worthless and I am a waste of space and it would be better for everyone if I died. People would worry less, my obligations to certain family members would stop. When I fall, I have no one to help me up. I scraped […]
Yesterday marked a year since I was sexually assaulted. Today is the aftermath of what happened a year ago. Going to the ER, calling to report the crime, the shame, the labels, people not believing my story. I feel like I am standing on the top of this hill and its cloudy. I can see the dark clouds rolling and I know its happening. The blades of grass is blowing in the wind around me, the sky is turning darker and darker. I can feel it becoming colder and the rain starts. When it rains it pours. The intrusive thoughts, the little will I have […]
I miss talking to you. You were my emotional band-aid. I wish I could tell you about how I feel and what happened too me. I wish that I could have you in my life again. I hate that I always pull myself away and decide against it. I hate that I miss you, I know it is not the right thing to do or have moved on. I miss you. You were a good friend and I miss you. I loved you and I still do in some way. You could make me feel better but also hurt me the most. I just miss […]
Feeling like the dark clouds above my head won’t stop coming over. The rain, the down pour, the thunder and wind, I feel like I am suffocating. The solid ground beneath me is tearing open and I am going to fall right through it. I feel so alone and worthless. I keep waiting for things to get better and they only get worse. I feel that my dark clouds are here to stay for a while. I hate it when the storm settles over me. It really is just a matter of time before I try again. I worked so hard I thought to never […]
Things seem so much more different. I think about you so much it hurts. I am so emotionally damaged after all these years I still think you are my band-aid. You emotionally break me down. I have not talked to you in a year. Stop walking in and out of my life. I have been stomped on. I have more shit on my plate than thinking about the should of’s or the what if’s. Thinking about you and how I wish I could talk to you. It hurts just even thinking about it. I think about all of those reasons. The reasons why I felt […]
The pain, emotionally, it has this way of creeping up on you, like a dark cloud you see in a distance on a sunny warm afternoon. The way it’s presence can just be noticed and then dismissed. looks like it is going to rain later, I thought to myself and then shrug it off. You think you have control over what you are feeling. You think that you actually can see the first drop of rain before the storm. When it rains it pours and thunders. I try to cover my wounds with band-aids but the rain just washes them off. I always think about […]
you know what? I may not be harming myself physically anymore, but emotional pain, and wounds can’t be covered up with band-aids. You try and try to pull yourself together and stop the pain. Drugs, cutting, alcohol, you can not cover up that pain, you can not stop it when it demands to be felt. Finding a way out so to speak is near impossible. The emotional storm stops sometimes and you can smell the roses. trying to tear a hole into the ground and jump, is never how it goes. The actual way out can never be easy, that’s how it should be right? […]
I hate how I can never just feel okay. I hate how I get so depressed I just block everyone out because I do not want to feel like I am a burden or some pest. I hate how I bottle everything up but yet if there is someone I trust I spill out everything too and then they use it to take advantage or they get scared or just unable to be in my life because I have so much baggage. Well do not worry my dear friends because I hate myself. I hate all the extra bull shit I carry around and feel […]
If I died, I think I could benefit some people. I could go somewhere like a train track or a bridge to hide the fact that I lived with my boyfriend from some of my family when they know I died. I could give the next of kin some of my savings. I don’t have much but it’s something. People would be free from my burden, no one would have to shit on me anymore, tell me I stress them out. I feel like I will never be better. I try and fix myself again and again but the same parts and pieces break off. […]
I have been feeling overwhelmed with how my depression will just show up out of nowhere. Major depression with reoccurring episodes. I can only about half of the time see when an episode is coming, the closer together my panic attacks are etc. I can only cope so well with this. I lately have been feeling like I have not need my anti depressants and whatever trauma I was going through I was prepared to feel it. I know feel my suicidial thoughts come and go and they are short and intense. My sadness is ongoing but those urges or feeling to cut again last […]
PS: IF THIS IS GROSS, TRIGGERING OR UPSETTING I AM SORRY (READ AT YOUR OWN RISK)
I read the comments to the last post I wrote. Leaving him would be nice, I get all wrapped up in my head and then I somehow eventually tell myself this is good for me. I am seeing a trauma therapist, working through my sexual assault and such. She noticed that I have put my work on that aside because all I do is talk about the toxic relationship I currently am in, she gave me some ideas on how to separate my self from him and to make things […]
It has been a while since I posted here, I like logging on here and getting the terrible things inside my head and on this blog. Yes, I am lost thank you for noticing. I relapsed with my cutting (go me.) and doing anything I can to escape these toxic thoughts. I have been doing somewhat better, I can cope better, I do not feel like the constant urge to kill myself is around all the time. I feel more positive, but my boyfriend weighs me down, my depression, the trauma, etc. all just stupid things I thought were stupid so I would not think […]
Newer Posts