ivygradhc

I wrote about this a couple of months ago and I did not see myself being able to make it through the holiday season, well the holidays are here and so am I.   I wish I were not.   What is stopping me from making this transition.   Surely not the notion that things will get better.   Nothing has gotten better since then and most things have actually gotten worse

Earlier in the year I shared how my depression took a major downturn when my wife informed me that she was leaving me.   I did not act hastily and do something stupid then, that to me is just […]

Over the past eight months I’ve been in the hospital, a residential program, an intensive therapy program, however, I find myself returning to the same emotional place.   This reminds me of a poem I read years ago about one person’s descent into madness was symbolized by a raven coming back to him.  Each time he lets it fly away it circles back. This is how I am now.    Each time I try to work one item to get out of this something else goes wrong.   It is like I am playing against a stacked deck.  My wife leaving me, my health taking a downturn […]

Over the past three months I’ve been in the hospital, a residential program,  and now I am in an intensive therapy program, however, I find myself returning to the same emotional place.   This reminds me of a poem I read years ago about one persons descent into madness was symbolized by a raven coming back to him.   Well this is how I am now.    Each time I try to work one item to get out of this something else goes wrong.   It is like I am playing against a stacked deck.  My wife leaving me, my health taking a downturn and now my job […]

In the past 2 months I have been in the Psych ward for 2 weeks, a residential facility for 2 weeks, and now I am in aftercare with a partial day program and I the only improvement that I see is my outlook is now “I want my life to end” rather than “I want to end my life”    So,  I do not see any improvement, but only a remission.  The partial day program is actually very thorough in content and recommending coping skills but I am too far gone for any of this to be effective at this point.   I am trying, but […]

What is the difference between I want to end my life and I want my life to end.    I am trying to figure that out because that is exactly how I feel.

I had been posting back in April my day to day progress in the hospital after I signed myself in after coming dangerously close to following through with a plan that would have definitely ended things for me.   After the hospital I was transferred to a residential treatment facility 5 hours away which supposedly treated patients with depressive and related disorders. It started out well until I met the therapist and went downhill […]

And I feel worse.

Not sure what it is.  My talk with the Admission coordinator gave me a good idea what the place is supposed to be like.    I was wary it would be an drug and alcohol rehab facility and was assured that it was not.   She was honest and said they handle dual diagnosis however.  The plan would be two visits with a therapist each week and two visits with a Psychiatrist each week to monitor meds.   I would not be able to see my own therapist but they would share notes with her when I left.   They would also help me with […]

Finally this has worked out.   between finding a facility that would accept me as a patient because of my mobility (I walk with a cane) and then one with bed availability, and then getting the Dr. here to approve the transport plan (I felt like he wanted me transported in restraints and a facemask) I will be leaving today.    I will continue therapy at the facility hopefully with more specialized counselors and staff.   I know I wont cure my depression there.

I am hoping I will at least not see it as a terminal disease which I feel it is now.   How that may happen […]

We are not allowed to have chargers in our room so I have to give my laptop to the nurses station to charge.   I’ve shown them several times how to set it up to charge and several times they have not done it right so no charge.    How hard is it to plug in a laptop?   Yesterday I asked them to bring everything into my room and I plugged it in and placed it on the docking station and made sure it locked in place and bingo, it was charging.    they took it back and were able to repeat the same process and […]

Not so good sleep night last night.    Got about 4 hours per my CPAP machine.   Still in the Mental health unit of the local hospital until at least Monday when I may be transferred to a Residential facility.  Who knows because I have been getting the run around on the subject of bed availability. given my luck with sleep, medications and low blood pressure this week I am not counting on anything.

This evening the medication nurse managed to piss me off.     I have had a bad foot so walking has been a problem.   Yesterday I did make it out to three group therapy […]

Light at the end of the tunnel for my depression is still non existent.   I feel like I just should of gone through with my plan.   the only thing that stopped me was keeping a promise to my wife who had told me 2 days before that she was leaving me,  go figure.     There is light at the end of the tunnel for a plan after I leave here.    I will be going to a residential facility for about two weeks or as long as the insurance allows.    After that I am planning to do EMBR therapy with my therapist here.    […]

Sleep evades me tonight.    It is almost two in the morning so it is either a late day eight or an early day nine.   Luck evades me as well.      I complained about the sleep and requested the prescribed medication.   However when they took my blood pressure it was too low for them to allow the medication.     Not mad at the nurses.   They are doing their best to help.  Just mad at the overall situation still.

Even though it looks like I have  a plan for two to  three weeks of residential treatment when I get out of here and EMBR therapy when […]

Yes,   I am still here.     I can say I do not want to be here but I am not referring to the hospital.   I still want to disappear from it all.  Thus it is best I am here as I am trying to keep promises.

I did get some positive news today and that is they found a facility to where I can transfer and receive some extended treatment (up to 30 days) Right now I am just in the psychiatric unit of the county hospital with detox and patients with other issues.   While I do meet with the Dr and they do have some […]

I signed myself into the hospital to keep a promise to my wife that I would not follow my plan to disappear (That is the expected result of my death).  Each day hear the desire for that has gotten stronger.    I have attended groups.  listened to counselors and been open to options for longer term in patient care.  Each thing that seams to look promising is evaporating still.   It is like I am playing against a stacked deck of cards.   No way will I win nor no way will I get better.    I know someone will say “Things Get Better” and they do, […]

Still writing these from the hospital.    Part of me wants to be humourous and say Psych Ward, Loony Bin, Funny Farm,  or some other slang for mental health facility but I use humour as a defense and maybe it is time to let all those defenses down for the moment.

I had a consult with a facility that specializes in treating depressive disorders like I have.    The Caseworker from this hospital had gotten this started and had even found out a bed was available.  She had done good work getting it that far.

Well, 5 minutes into the consult they told me because I have […]

Well,  it is Sunday and things suck.   I know I came here to get a pause on my plan to disappear.  Well I have that and have been very honest with the staff here with my feelings, plan and all that is going on..  I was hoping that that would give me some sort of hope so I can extend that pause or better yet turn it off completely.

Well, it hasnt.    I am now in a closely monitored room along with having my CPAP machine for sleeping confiscated.   I know the staff are doing their jobs so I will not vent anger towards them.

I […]

I made a post yesterday about how I consider my depression of the last 50 years to now be a terminal disease (I am 59 so the math is easy).    I had hoped that I would see some responses, suggestions, and or rebuffs and was sad that I did not, but then again.  I am posting here so what should I expect.

I am still in the psych ward of the community hospital and have been here 4 nights so far with tonight to be number 5.   I will definitely see number 6 here because I have been very honest and candid about how I […]

This posting is probably a first, as I am writing it from my room in the mental health section of the community hospital.       I checked myself in 3 days ago.   At that time I was actively putting the pieces of my plan to disappear into action.   I say disappear as all I want to do is to disappear from this world, the disappointments, the disappointments of others, the disappointments that I caused, and the fear of loneliness that I can no longer control.

I had mad a promise to my wife (who has recently informed me she is leaving) that If I found myself […]

Well its been three days since my wife told me she is leaving and 2 days since I posted.

Yes.  I want to disappear from this world.  My wife’s news is the last straw.  All the negativity and violence in the news, all the it’s their fault, no its the other’s fault.   I cannot deal with this anymore.

At the time I did not have a plan to be a sure thing.   I am not going to overdose for attention, try to cut myself, nor can I use a method that has pain or fear unless it is instantaneous. (No jumping for me…)   Well  I now have […]

This is an update to a posting I did in October and I am now finalizing my decision..  I’ve added my reasons at the end…

I do make an effort to follow my therapist’s advise and use methods I have learned to steer my mind away from the dark thoughts which have plagued me for the last 45 years.  Sometimes this works and I can get myself on a positive track but it is not a stable track.    Too many of the triggers I have for dark thoughts are around me and I am unable to control that.   I have limited my access to news […]