General

This past week has felt like an eternity. Prep for presentations and projects that I know I’m no good at. My partners are the ones that put in most of the work. I just uselessly tag along. Always depending on someone and never the one who is depended on. I’ve also been real weepy lately. Crying over how useless I am. No matter what I do I’ll never learn and better myself. It’s almost like I’m incapable of growing. That’s why I can’t cut it in this Master’s program or in the workforce. My decision […]

I’m tired of trying to distract myself from my loneliness. I’ve been more or less alone for the majority of my life, and it’s only getting worse as I get older. No one knows me. No one cares except my family, and they don’t really know me. I’ve given no one a reason to care about me. There is no good reason to care about me. I’m not someone worthy of being cared for. But it doesn’t stop me wanting it. I want to be known. I want at least one other person to really understand what goes on in my head, without wanting to […]

A new door has opened. Suddenly, a glimmer of light beams brightly through the cracks of the walls. They’ve surrounded me for so long. Rotted and creaky wood beams, overgrown weeds. I became this statue covered in ivy. Waiting for the earth to send me roses. A garden exploding with gorgeous colors. I see the small stem there. The pretty green. I’m not afraid this time. The trauma I’ve endured through this is changing me for the good. It’s time to grow and move on. It’s time to embrace who I am. It’s time to put effort into being my best self.

It’s a new feeling you taught me
Walking past my phone
Waiting for it to light up

But now I expect everyone to not talk with me and get hurt. At last, even the boy I loved truly left me for his selfishness. Screw up people and big screw up the phones. People around me change me like this ……….. Now I’m a lost cause.

I wouldn’t be half as depressed if food, housing, transportation, or anything related to LIVING weren’t so goddamn expensive.

It was always expensive before, but since covid, the cost of EVERY FUCKING THING has skyrocketed. How am I supposed to be happy if I am poor and can’t afford anything?

Telling me to “think positive” doesn’t do me shit if I’m hungry and my brain is throbbing from lack of affordable nutritious food. And going there without transportation to lug all the food back is a problem too, especially if you’re disabled and sick.

People have REAL problems. Whether it’s lack of money or […]

I don’t know how common this situation is; as I start to build my energy level back up it takes all the self control I’ve got to avoid going manic. I have to examine every single thing, is it advancing my goals or is it activity because I’m anxious and resent silence and stillness? More often the second thing.

Then, in the stillness, there is the temptation to sink back towards depression. Is a healthy middle ever going to be easier?

Of course it can, but will it? I used to be so sure, if I put my weight behind something, within reason, it seemed certain it […]

Id say I can be pretty happy from time to time not for very long but I have my moments. I just want to stay happy but that can never happen. Depression comes in waves. It goes up and down and up and down. But i’m always down for a long time and when i’m up its not for very long. My mom and I were up all night rearranging my room and yes it was exhausting but in the end I was happy to finally have my room clean. That didn’t last very long. After I got out of the shower it just hit […]

This post isn’t about politics. I am not a Republican or Democrat (I hate them all, all the establishment shills), and I don’t care for Trump, but he did give us a good term- Fake News. This video is the definition of Fake News.

This is a good example of what our “news” is really like. This isn’t even political or covering anything controversial- just RAIN. But even coverage of something that’s just rain is being painted and pretended to be something it’s not. And this was 11 years ago, before the age of “Fake News.” This was back when […]

There’s a TON of things online that is just not true, but is put out there like it is. No, I’m not talking flat-earthers and such. I’m talking from things like science, diet, nutrition, finance, money, economy, etc. There’s so much “misinformation” out there, both intentional and unintentional, and it’s coming from everywhere- MSM but also alternative sites too. Nobody can agree on the facts. And I’m not just talking politics. Talking about everything- name any subject.

I hate how when ppl write stuff online, ppl just take that author’s word as fact. Just say you’re publishing Opinion Pieces, […]

I feel kind of drained. Last week I had a really strong impulse to hang myself. I was just sitting on my bed and my belt was there so I gripped it tightly and thought about it. For a minute or so. And a couple of days ago… or I don’t know. I don’t know when. Maybe yeaterday or more than two days ago. I was in my living room and I started crying because I thought that my life is really pointless and it’s just not worth it. In general I feel fine, I guess. But these things happen more and more often recently. 

What do you do when you no longer have the energy or the willpower to fix your life? No one is going to fix our life for us, or help us. But when you’re sick, have no energy, can barely sustain going to the grocery store and showering, then how tf is anything going to get better?

all i can do is get through each day, which means laundry, food, showering, brushing teeth, etc. After it’s done, you crash. then repeat the next day and next day and next week and next month. No energy to do anything more than that. […]

How can we be happy and productive when our bodies feel like crap 97% of the time? This isn’t even about depression. I have so many health issues. It’s impossible to have any kind of life, let alone enjoy one’s life, when you’re always feeling like crap- physically. Which then obviously brings on the depression.

For about a few hours last night, I felt physically ok-ish. So therefore mentally I was doing ok. But now I’m back to feeling like crap, physically. So therefore I’m now back to feeling depressed again.

I have been staring at the ceiling for hours. Why am I here? How much longer must I endure the misery. Does it ever stop? No. Does it ever slow down? No. It never stops. EVER.

New to broaching my mental state (this is the first and only place outside of my own head) and my question is why is the thought of and planning of kms is so much less intimidating than discussing my mental health, current difficulties and disappointment with the world with anyone real? And that’s disregarding the difficulty of the process of changing mindset and improving one’s situation after the initial step. As in I know that death must be a bigger deal than a common conversation but when it comes to it I just can’t convince myself. I’m not at risk of dying as of now […]