General

I made this name cuz I kept thinking of it-the lyrics- from the Smashing Pumpkins song that says that. A singer died. Suicide Silence. He said that music will get you through anything, he promises. Music won’t get me through this. It isn’t changing anything. I also made this name because of a former post I think I titled this as I have been using this site for like ten years now although set it aside. This is my new account. Now this means it is for both of you, not just one. (love is suicide).

Wouldn’t it be nice if our coping methods are exercising, cleaning, or just being productive? I knew someone who used to clean so that isn’t really a “good” thing bc it gets out of hand and it’s obsessive. But exercising seems good. And being productive seem good.

When I was younger and healthy, my coping mechanism was to exercise. It wasn’t to the point of obsessive or extreme- but I did exercise a lot, and it did let off a lot of steam. Like kickboxing kind of exercise. Lifted weights. Running for hours. I would exercise 3-4x a week, about […]

My mind is so chaotic. I have no idea what’s going on. I hate it. Yesterday I was at a train station, and I looked at the tracks and I just wanted to go down there and walk until I got hit by a train. But I didnt. And when I was on the train I cried a little. While I was walking home, I felt sad because of how lonely I am and I thought that if literally anyone came up to me I would talk to them. Then someone came running in my direction to catch a bus and I just ignored them […]

It was a late Saturday night in February
People were home, it was quiet for a weekend
We had just fought over something i don’t even remember
There goes my short term memory loss again
I feel alone even when im not
I tried to make amends but you wouldn’t have it
So i took a walk
I didn’t think you noticed i was gone
All i could think about was the train tracks across the street
I was disassociating again
Walked down near the barrier, only 2 cars passed by
I was 2 steps away from the tracks when a train sped by
I […]

I’ve been lied to
Time only makes things worse
Nothing makes me happy anymore
No person, or pet, food, hobby, or amount of money
And I don’t know who’s crazy anymore
Is it me, is it all of them?
I even feel like my own family is crazy
It’s a scary feeling
Knowing that you and everyone around you is fucking insane
Not trusting in them anymore
Not trusting yourself
Suicide is the only option for me
I’ve decided that a long time ago
I don’t know why I’m still even here
I’m not a good person
I don’t deserve anything good
All i ask […]

I don’t know what to really do anymore.

I’ve driven the person I love into the arms of the perfect man for her, her words not mine.

I’m needing to find a new place to live.

I need more money or else I won’t afford anything at all.

So many things all at once. I can’t deal with this anymore.

Going back home is not an option. It will make things worse.

And yet, what the hell else can I do? I really don’t know anymore.

I can barely hold myself together. Maybe I should just get rid of everything I worked for to this point to be able to afford some […]

It can’t be just me. Sure I have my issues, but WTF is wrong with people these days? People lash out at you like 2 year old’s over something so insignificant and they go apeshit over nothing. Tonight it’s some game guild member throwing a temper tantrum over a lost award chest. It’s a daily task among dozens of other tasks, so it’s literally no biggie.

Another time it was this lady at McDonalds who had an issue with me blowing my nose bc it was winter and I had a runny nose. I was sitting alone in a […]

So I was playing this game which involves 3 people joining an “adventure” to kill the boss. I’ve done adventure level 9 SO many times and killed all the towers, but for some reason I was unable to tonight, even though I’ve done it FORTY times in the past. I did level up some skins/skills and maybe that threw the balance off the team, who knows.

Anyhow, this ASSWIPE 1- decides to leave the adventure even though he had THREE whole moves left, and the other guy had one move left so the both of them could still have killed the boss even though […]

This guy only talks about males and lack of deep friendships but this applies to BOTH males and females. IDK why everyone ignores the problems that females have too, especially the tomboys like me who don’t fit in with the girls.

I’ve never been part of a tribe, never been accepted by a pack, nor surrounded by ppl who cared about me, so i have no idea what that even feels like. We die from loneliness. We get physically sick from loneliness. Knowing and feeling that NO ONE cares about us is one of the shittiest feelings in the world.

It’s a sad […]

I never thought I’d be this alone when I was young. I encountered plenty of people who lived on their own, who relied on occasional visits from relatives to provide them with social contact, but it never occurred to me that that would be me. I suppose I lived in a pretty sheltered bubble for most of my childhood. I never learned that you had to work in order to get people in your life, in order to build worthwhile relationships. I was able to live with the delusion that things like that would just come to me. I never had to struggle or work […]

I’m miserable and I just want to go back home and pretend I don’t exist. I can’t really talk to anyone right now. I just feel so horrible. Last night all I could think about was how pathetic and ignorant I am and how I need to die. For the first time in awhile, I took something to help me sleep, because of school today and just needing to get away from my head. I woke up. I’m just out of it right now. I’m just so done with life.. life doesnt seem to need me and I dont want or need this life. I’m […]

Around the time I was trying to create an efficient reply to “People don’t magically get better” I got a message that chilled me to the bone. Apparently my former boss at the electrician gig was extending an offer of work to me.

Years of conditioning, as well as my present unpleasant economic reality meant that my gut was to take it. That little rebellious voice in my head said “wait on it, think on it” and though it froze me out of all action the rest of the night…. I succeeded at resisting.

This morning, half awake, I tried to reconcile my issues. What I realized […]

These 2 stories actually have a “good” ending, but how insane is this? These types of things are the norm, not just “a few bad apples.”

‘Dude, I Blew Zero!’: College Athlete Sues Iowa Cops for DUI Arrest

And this:
Cops Arrest Blind Man For Having A Cane

NOBODY is willing to help (and I don’t mean my specific case with my family). I mean in general. People aren’t willing to help others, which is why people always say stuff like “go for a walk,” “go journal,” “think positive,” “go see a therapist,” “go take meds/drugs.” It’s to defer them from actually having to do anything. It ends the conversation any time you try to tell them about anything.

Saying that is the equivalent to “thoughts and prayers.” It’s fine to SAY it but ACTUAL HELP is better. People need actual help. That’s why people are in […]

I really don’t want to have to go back home. It’s dysfunctional and the place I’d get is TINY and not great. Also then I’d have to deal with family shit. Also there is nothing for me in that city/state.

But idk where else I can go. I can try overseas but idk. I’m just too sick and depressed to make it work. It what I had wanted to do, but my confidence has been shot thanks to this vulnerable narcissist that purposely kicked me in the face while i was down bc she relishes in hurting people (you evil […]

Life just hurts right now. I’m not even sure why. One thing I know for sure is that being outside and looking at trees and the sky has helped.

I think my worth as a person in being helpful to those I love is deteriorating. Today is their(singular) birthday and they were very close to ending it last night, and I’ve only just found out. I know they haven’t been well, and while I put myself as far as I can to help (long distance being a large inconvenience) it’s not enough. They have a few friends that were able to help them, which I’m super thankful for, for obvious reasons. I just wish I was the one able to help, which is selfish and disgusting and I’m making myself sick just for thinking about it. […]

I was abused as a child and NOBODY did a fucking thing. Hell, they all claimed ignorance bc they “didn’t know.” They “didn’t know” only bc they didn’t bother to even talk to me. Nobody even wanted to have anything to do with me back then. And it wasn’t 1 time. Or 2 times. It was over a period of TEN YEARS so no fucking excuse.

I left home and I had nothing to do with them for the last 26 years. Turns out they’re just as shitty if not worse to me now. I told them about […]

Adjusting parameters is pretty much all I’ve ever done that has challenged me. It’s why I took to programming and software so well, because it follows simple A + B = C or A -B =C. If you know two variables, you know the third one for those a little rusty on their algebra.

Down from the esoteric logic of the process, I’ll explain using the sample of the problem I’m working on right now. Set A = base state (at this point that means medications as prescribe, normal activity levels), and B = stimulant levels, because that’s a very easy to adjust variable that also […]