General

I really want to drink tonight. I am 24,  alcoholic. I am a shipwreck. Don’t have alcohol. No means that will allows me a reasonable certainty not to wake up tomorrow. I have bad anxiety and ending up in a hospital which would be worse than everything. I don’t even know what I want. Just not having any of these thoughts I guess. The ones telling me what a worthless crazy piece of shit. Flashbacks hurt so much. Knowing that even how hard I try my mother will continue to grasp any power she has on me to make me feel guilt for being her […]

My dad who sexually assaulted my 6yrold son has taken everything from me n my kids. Hes made us homeless. He sold or trashed all of our belongings that were still in the house. He sold my jeep. His actions destroyed my son and he questions his self worth and thinks hes ugly n says he wants ti commit suicide. So hes in therapy. I heard through the grapevine that my father will not serve prison time for 1st deg sexual assault n incest, and that he will prob only get probation which is not the justice my 6yrold son needs. Also found out this […]

I envy some of the people who post here, in that they can spill out their hearts so easily…I am not that way, I am very reserved and am only capable of writing effectively when things are at their worst, when I am overcome with despair, sadness or great depression.  I wonder why that is.  Thoughts merge into words when I’m emotional, sad.  I write here, and my words are carefully edited, to sound as coherent as possible.  I can’t speak the way I write, for the most part.  I tend to ramble and repeat things I already said, going off on tangents, censoring myself […]

It’s a strange feeling returning to this website again, after being absent for many months. This website offers me solace, in the darkest times.

It’s interesting, because I thought things finally got better and then I find myself in the darkness again. Upon reading my own old posts, it seems that it’s same position I was in ages ago. Except that it’s worse this time.

Cutting does not work as much anymore and the blade is boring. I thought about heating a blade up and using it, but instead opted for a serrated knife. I’ve been drinking almost every day now as well, some nice cheap wine […]

50mg tramadol x 20 pills=1,000 mg or 1 gram. Goodbye world, I can’t do this anymore.

To those I love, don’t worry, I am not going anywhere. I have apparently made it worth it to go on in life, unfortunately that does not mean I have lived happily. You wonder why I am different,  wonder why I am not like my brother or how I came to be this way. You might think I am simply sad or angry, but that is not how it works. I’m lonely, miserable, and depressed. And even if you show me that you love and care for me and the people around me make it seem like I got good company, my mind […]

why do people make things worse?

this is how nightmares are made.

i had once blood collected using this system. by the time nurse was about to plug in the third vial, i realized that this isn’t medicine – they are vampires. i fainted, then and there, and had a nightmare. it supposedly lasted less than a minute, but for me, it felt like half hour of terror.

I’ve spent so many years trying to numb the pain that came with self-awareness. Recognizing what I really am destroyed me, and I can’t see anyway back from that. But I also can’t bring myself to end it. And I can’t stand this cage I’ve built for myself. I want to be invested in life again. To really feel, rather than constantly managing and denying feelings. But the feeling often seems unbearable.

I don’t want to lie to myself anymore. To hide the truth behind rationalization and reason. I don’t want to be this detached zombie. But I can’t stand the truth. The truth makes me […]

One month clean. After almost two years of heavy use, driving me deeper and deeper down a hole of insanity and clouded thinking, cyclones of emotion and extremely bad judgment calls, today is one freaking month clean. The world is a boring, banal, and predictable place when you’re sober, and for right now, that’ll work.

And eight hours of solid sleep last night helped. God I needed that.

I keep wondering am I the trouble one here. I don’t know. I’ve been trying to change myself from time to time but still, it wasn’t enough. I feel lonely even surrounded by people. I cant share my family problems with my friends because I don’t want them to be judgemental. I keep ignoring my problems. I hope that it will somehow be okay. And I can’t seem to get along with my family. I can see my brother sharing his problem with my father every time he’s home from work. But why do I don’t get the same treatment? And when I try to […]

i don’t want to remember i don’t want to remember i don’t want to remember i don’t want to remember i don’t wan

make it stop make it stop make it stop please i can’t fucking take this anymore

i’m suffocating

“All things human hang by a slender thread; and that which seemed to stand strong suddenly falls and sinks in ruins”

If I die young, bury me in satin
Lay me down on a bed of roses
Sink me in the river at dawn
Send me away with the words of a love song

Lord, make me a rainbow, I’ll shine down on my mother
She’ll know I’m safe with you when she stands under my colors
Oh, and life ain’t always what you think it ought to be, no
Ain’t even gray, but she buries her baby
The sharp knife of a short life
Well, I’ve had just enough time

If I die young, bury me in satin
Lay me down on a bed of roses
Sink […]

My battle with insomnia is getting worse.  I’m averaging maybe ten hours sleep a week, with at least two nights a week of no sleep at all, as last night was.  As soon as I begin drifting to sleep, I stop breathing. Yes, it does sound like sleep apnea, doctor is busy running tests because he says I also have some kind of heart issue.  Now I get to deal with nightly anxiety caused by not knowing if I’ll sleep, and life is a big bowl of cherries right now.

So – I find a piece of paper on my desk titled “My SP Plan.” Short […]