General

i feel so conflicted about everything. this shit fucking sucks. it’d be nice if a meteor would come crashing into my room. why? why are things like this? happiness is just some stupid momentary concept and then we are all back to a fucking shitty depressing state. how pathetic. i really hate myself. my mind feels all over the place. it’s like i’m some piece of paper that’s been scribbled all over and torn apart. fucking weak. so self doubting. disgraceful. shameful. so conflicted. so alone. i can’t take this anymore. i cant even pretend like everything is okay anymore. it hurts. it hurts so […]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ro34dXuO9Dg&list=RDSmKgEwlLfu0&index=2

“And you, show me that life
Isn’t all about extending your time
No, it’s the perfect time for a bottle of wine
And why, do I still care?
About all who might recall me
For everything dies, so does memory” -Tamino

There has been too many times I have wanted to sabotage everything. I have to keep reminding my self to take a step back and take a look at the big picture. Its difficult to not give in. When in doubt, take deep breaths.

I might have killed something today and it might be my career. The thing is; if I did it really needed to die.

I’m getting blamed for other people’s screw ups, and I reached my limit. I reported it all the way up the command chain, and told HR; “I don’t want to quit, but I cannot work under these conditions.”

It all comes down to Outlook calendar. Our division manager uses outlook schedules, and wants us to as well. What that really means is that she will verbally abuse us if we don’t. Yesterday she accused us of fraud for not keeping accurate outlook schedules. Then […]

I’d like to preface this by saying that sexual attraction and sexual behavior aren’t the same thing.

I’ve never been a sexual person. In fact, I identify as asexual (not an asexual reproducer LOL) and a few times in a row from different people I knew and even a Christian YouTube channel that I normally liked, I heard the claim that if you don’t have sexual attraction, you’re not human and that hurt deeply. I’d had the Holy Spirit for only a matter of days or weeks, and when I was stressed, it was almost impossible for me to hear God speak, no matter how closely […]

i’ve been doing better up until recently. i cut again for the first time in months. i’ve been trying really hard to do better but life is getting really overwhelming. i just want everything to stop. i wish someone noticed something is wrong with me.

I’m getting closer, I can feel it. Eventually all my proverbial parachutes are deployed, all my favors cashed and all legitimate debts paid. I want to quit; the whole dang thing. I don’t want a boss, or a mortgage, or crushing debt that I might pay off if I am very hard working and lucky. This life I’m living, is a waste of good time.

I want to move to the country and teach. I think I’d teach high schoolers rhetoric or something like that.  I wouldn’t ask for much money, enough for me to eat is plenty. I’d go in three days a week and […]

Ever since I was young I’ve always feared death, I remember around six years old while on a camping trip I told my father about my fear of death, his advice was “don’t worry you won’t die until you’re older”, I just turned 41 a few days ago 1/25.  I try to distract myself, I have a lot of hobbies, but the fear never leaves and I always think I have some kind of illness.

I swallowed a rubber band today.

Not just a rubber band, but also representing my give up.

That pink band went strait down my throat, and my mind secretly wished for an erection.

Then after the ugly pink band, I washed it down with bit of kool-aid that had the same color as blood.

Now this band is inside me, and I can feel the pain of it flowing in my stomach.

Im not sure if I should tell. That its pure pain.

But all I know now, is that the pain I swallowed was already inside me from day one.

*i rlly did swallow a rubber band tho ;-;*

i decided to just end my life this upcoming sunday. i mean why should i hold on and keep moving forward when i don’t even want to? i’m extremely drained. these voices and thoughts in my head have been getting louder. i don’t want to be here. since i was young i always wanted to die on my 18th birthday. my birthday was 2 months ago and i’m still here. why? this is truly pathetic. what the fuck am i still doing here. have i been holding onto false hope? doesn’t even matter anymore. i’m so lost and confused. i don’t know what to think. […]

Life is so messed up… Why do we / I have to be here. Why…… Can someone just give me ONE good reason that we are forced to be here.
Can someone just let me know if I leave here will it all be over? Or will I just come back or will the next place be any better?
Is there a next place?
I kind of hope not. To just vanish and just not be anymore, would be peaceful. If there is something after this world will it be worse?
These are the thoughts going through my head when I am wanting to finally […]

Not suicide related

What is complicated algebra doing in a pre test for maths and English in the course I’m about to do?
Unless the course itself contains this algebra, what is it DOING HERE?
I can’t even figure out how to do it.
I hate this shit.
This better not be in my actual course or I’m going to fail for sure.
Going by the subject matter and the name of my course I don’t see where the complicated algebra will be.
Do people even use this in their daily life? (Unless their job requires this).

I can do most other things in maths but not […]

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My life has been a living hell since my mother died in my arms during our camping trip this past august. Then december hit and another bombshell hit me. My father sexually assaulted my son while i was either at work or sleeping when i got home from work. Been stuck in limbo with court. As well as finding a place for me and my kids to live. I wasnt financially prepared for this move. Both sides of the family turned their backs on me and my kids because of what my father did. My friends have deserted me because they wanna live happy drama […]

First, I’m just going to take a moment to complain about the fairness of life, my spouse has been having chest pains again, and refuses to go to the doctor. I’m the one that’s suicidal and he’s killing himself. It’s frustrating.

Second thing, I watched the episode of Family Guy where Bryan gets addicted to the runners high. I have no endurance for running but I’ve always wanted to run, especially cross country stuff. I can walk all day long without wearing out but I can’t even run for 5 minutes. Lol. So anyways, I started Googling this and it takes usually 50-60 minutes to […]

im not talking in general angsty ‘nothing matters’ terms but literally. All these efforts and struggles, therapy, nutrition, meditation, even “happiness”… do you ever wonder if it’s all irrelevant if your clock is ticking? and when your time is up, it doesnt matter if you’re happy famous successful or in love, something will trigger you like a random hurtful word and the next thing you know youve killed yourself

local kid just killed himself. good looking, smart, popular, football star, probably had scholarship offers out the ass, then wham he just killed himself. Lots of stories like that. people kill themselves every day and nobody knows […]

Hi all. Anyone here who remembers me? Used to come here alot back in the day. That in the title used to be my username but I don´t like it anymore. I still am quite pathetic but calling yourself pathetic is REALLY pathetic. That means that every time you call yourself pathetic you are actually right. Think about that. But its a cyclic definition, a definition that defines itself, which by logic is wrong. I think depression in general is a lot like that. A cycle, loophole logic error in the brain that creates itself and justifies itself. That is why I think it´s hard […]