General

Petals wilt,
weighed down
by guilt.

Tears will shed,
petals will soon
be all dead.

I’m just as dead as the flowers.
Quick to bloom,
yet quick to enter the tomb.

I think I’ll die almost as fast as the flowers.

I made it though all my obligations. I don’t have to stay anymore to finish anything. It’s like this huge relief to not have something going on outside of normal work and home stuff: Too bad I hate one of those and fail at them both.
I’m ready, but I’m holding on to a last thread. I’m basically just waiting for the right feeling at this point as nothing is holding me back. I have my plan and method is ready, I just need the right time to just disappear.

I don’t want anything.
“You broke me” but you are a concept, in the end i did this to myself and I deserve every bit of it.

and you, you typing this, you know how everything went down yet you kept on playing the victim, you don’t deserve anything and you know it, not a thing. They didn’t broke you, nobody broke you, it’s just the consequences of you being alive.

what the fuck was I born for? All I did in my life was to ruin things, everything, I fucked up everything, if I was never born none of this would happen, none of me would […]

maybe im scared to be with you because i dont want to ruin the last thing i have.
maybe i push you away because im scared of losing you.

im sorry im not good enough. you deserve so much better. someone that isnt me. someone that isnt drinking, smokin up and talking to other guys behind your back. you deserve someone that will make you happy. im sorry thats not me. all i do is disappoint you.

Positive & optimistic people are often naive, ignorant, & simple-minded when they keep believing that anyone can be a winner in this society/life/world/existence. But if only they got their head out of their asses, and wake up & look at the reality just all around them everyday. Then people will see that there are poor & rich, sick & healthy, success & failures, sad & happy, blessed & depressed, the lucky/fortunate & the unlucky/unfortunate, and obviously there are winners & losers (or success .vs. failures).

Not everyone can be a winner. Not everyone can become number one, no matter how much even if people hope/wish/pray or […]

I’m scared out of my wits most of nowadays, feeling like sneaky mouse surrounded by giants. That’s my place in the world and I’m scared of evrything, of men and women stronger than me, smarter than me, better looking, wittier, more successful one way or another, kinder or morally superior to me.
I realize now how little I understand the world. I’m like a human with a chimp’s mind, worthy only of condescending pity.
I just don’t know what to believe/disbelieve anymore. It’s beyond me to deal with reality. And what is reality btw? Everything is supernatural so far as I can see because I’m […]

NOTE : THIS ISN’T AGAINST ANTIDEPRESSANTS, ONLY MY PERSONAL NEGATIVE EXPERIENCE OF ONE. PLEASE DON’T BE DISCOURAGED IF USING THEM TO HELP SURVIVE.

Now I’ve always been suicidal, some days more desperate than others, but never once had I felt it was something out of my hands. Even on the days I did want to be alive, I still had those days. Suicide was a plan in the background for when things really got messed up. I’ve been screwed around by the NHS time and time again, typical mental health team failing dozens, me included. Yet we’re just numbers, no understanding of what battles we’re fighting […]

Hello!

I want help, but I don’t want to keep wasting my mother’s money!

I haven’t gotten out of bed since last night and I would really like to experience the world the way a neurotypical person would.

I also kind of want a hot girl summer but that’s honestly not going to happen if I can’t figure out how to fix myself before trying anything out. How can I save someone from drowning if I can’t even swim for myself?

Please fix me!

Thanks!

Cut my wrist
Cut my throat

Still alive
Emptiness

today is a very fucking hard day for me and for no apparent reason.

i’m so angry. so lonely and so damn miserable.  i just want to make my hurt known.

to feel not so alone. i cant see no light and my life is so dark and small. i feel like cussing and making people hurt but i’m always so considerate and gentle. i feel so suicidal, so violent inside, though i had only one violent outburst in all my life and it was 20 years ago and i was heavily drunk and depressed. i wish i was homicidal rather than suicidal. i want this violence […]

sometimes i wish disorders never existed and one could just live as themselves without thinking they are broken or different. i want to make new friends but because im different im scared to. what if i say the wrong thing?

I feel like my world has ended today. I’m just like he is. Im no different. We’re both in this sinking ship.

Im sorry young fish, vibrant flower, cupcake baker, nyan cat, I can’t pretend like theres nothing wrong. Im the problem.

I’ve done such horrible things. If the world knew of what I did, would I be alone? Would anyone care to talk to me anymore? But wouldn’t that be a good thing? At least for them. I’m so scared. I’m so afraid. I’m so sorry. None of this even makes sense. Who cares anymore, these words mean nothing.

Am i just like him? Am I just […]

To let go.
Of everything, everyone.

Maybe it’s a holdover of a lifelong condition,
A conviction that given a choice there’s only one way this will end.

My mind flashed back to all the moments I gave up on this life. In despair, in defiance. Resignation and dwindling resilience.

I still view this as borrowed time. No, I will not grow into “golden” years.

Maybe it’s the way i was raised. Solid ground hard to come by, broken attachments to myself and others. Always moving, and the things that stayed not worth keeping.

I don’t believe in this life. Believing in my partner doesn’t change that.

Expectations require; […]

while within the whirlwind the pain was so immense i sought peace and quiet –

even that of a grave i thought for no logic alternative came to mind…

now as the storm has died down i gather all the remaining bits and pieces –

and as usual i lose some every time.

now indifferent to the lost i automatically try to piece it all together –

that it will somehow resemble a human being, a man.

trying to make this man shaped thing look like what i once was,

just the appearance will do, i guess..

this glued together pieces aren’t too bad, i think but hardly my best work –

the beard […]

Does anyone else feel like they have all these different sides to themselves that touch but don’t connect. Like putting on a different hat, or having a different personality at different times.
I can list off at least 10 of these I feel, sometimes I feel professional, humorless, or silly, sometimes I’m positive, hopeless, want help, talkative, introspective, spontaneous, adventurous, suicidal, studious, excitable, organized, planned out, and so on.
I’m sometimes touching on another piece of myself but I don’t register the world the same way and some of my sides don’t touch at all because they are so conflicting. I can relate things to […]

“I can’t read this because it’s in french.”

“it says it’s for a small room” (we were looking at an AC unit) also I didn’t mention that it was in French and also one other language I didn’t look at close enough.

“no that’s not what it says”

That’s exactly what it says. And then you wonder why I want a divorce. Also all the experts said you’re wrong and I can use whatever the fuck I want. But nooooo I’m always fucking wrong even when I give you evidence. I shouldn’t have to prove I’m right like that over the stupidest of fucking things.