General

It’s like a ping pong game. I go back and forth. Sometimes I am hopeful and feel that this will pass and I’ll feel better and my feelings of uselessness will pass and I’ll be talking to her again. Then the ping. I feel hopeless and miserable and that I’ll never see or hear from her again. Then the pong. And I’m back to having hope. It’s tiring. I wish the game would end eventually. Somethings got to slip.

We’re all just toys that are being played with by the elite.
Not only saying this because of corona.
I’m still pretending to fit into this world. I’ll never really fit in. I know i just have to be fake. Oh well.

I don’t really feel like doing anything anymore. But sometimes i do feel like it. I’m not scared of death. I feel suicidal on and off as usual. But i most likely won’t be attempting in any kind of way in the future. An accident would be the best way for me. But i still have some things I sadly need to deal with […]

Lana Del Rey — God Knows I Tried

https://docs.google.com/uc?id=0B1LpoE-P3Sg-aFE5Tl9URzJzMWM&export=download.mp3

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[The following was written 10-Aug-19.]

It has been almost two years since I moved to Australia. Two whole years, and I’ve achieved so much in that time. More than I thought I ever would, if I’m being honest. Back in February I resigned from my position at the company, citing a stagnant work environment and lack of progression. It took a week for my bosses to actually pass my resignation up the chain to the two directors, but once they did I made my side very clear to the […]

It doesn’t matter if I die today,
tomorrow, or years from now.
It will still hurt you the same.

i always wondered about robin williams death. what happened that someone so amazing, so well loved, could just……commit suicide. well i finally read up on it today and for those interested…https://www.vanityfair.com/hollywood/2018/05/robin-williams-death-biography-dave-itzkoff-excerpt

paranoia, staring into nothingness, banging your head off walls……

what happened to him, looking at both situations from a few steps back obviously they arent exactly the same, is almost like a perfect mirror of my life. if someone like him couldnt find help, couldnt be save, what chances do i have?

I’ve been planning to commit suicide for 13 years.. I just found out I don’t currently have a Life Insurance policy. I read Life Insurance has a ‘Incontestability Clause’ where you can not get benefits unless they don’t commit suicide until holding the policy for more than two years. And some policies have a Suicide Provision or Clause where if the death is suicide, you will not get anything.

Does anyone know any good life insurance to acquire in America that will pay off for suicide? I don’t particularly know if I can wait out two years, I’ve been ready to commit suicide for the last […]

I feel emotionally and physically exhausted today. This daily battle is really wearing me down. Also it’s so quiet on a weekend when nobody goes outside.
The world is lacking in saturation, my eyes and mind are unfocused. Not sure what to do.
On a positive note I’m day 2 harm free. Not that I’m trying. Maybe that’s why the world is dead today.

Is it possible that I choose only to remember the good things? That while looking through our old messages, I’m only remembering the good feelings I would get when talking to her? Maybe those times weren’t as good as I thought they were? Maybe they were just moments that happened, neither good or bad? Maybe she felt nothing when talking to me? We haven’t seen each other in three years. The last thing she ever said to me in person was goodbye. I have a picture of her that I look at, but it’s just a static […]

today seems like a good day to be drunk.

the 17th and 18th was my mothers bday and anniversary (i can never remember which is which) my father messaged me. i didnt sleep last night so i feel like shit and i cant stop thinking about death. if anything a drink would do me good today

I feel like I lost my last fear.

So… quarantine huh? Welcome to my FUCKING world. LOL.

I’m tired of all this drinking, and the hangover and the bullshit. This is my last post. I’m done. People… they just don’t worth the pain. Any of them!

This isn’t hell. Or even purgatory. I can imagine far worse things than this. But it is one of the shittier lives you could choose. I’m fairly sure it would be better if it didn’t exist.

For whatever reason I’m not ending it. But I don’t know if there’s any way to make things less shitty.

The problem is me. My mind is fucked. My character and personality are fucked. The way I think and feel about things is fucked. The me that tries to change or do things differently is the same me that is the problem.

I don’t know if I can change that. Can you […]

usually I could write about things. I don’t know who I am, I thought I had hypersomnia but now I can’t sleep, everything is wrong but I can’t scream out. nothing is right, nothing I do is right, i can’t even write things out anymore. I feel weak, my head is completely quiet yet somehow, somewhere isn’t right. All I want is a way out, all I want is to stop being like this. Something isn’t right and I don’t know how or what, I don’t feel safe in myself anymore, I don’t feel settled, I don’t feel alive. This is my best attempt to […]

Technically true i still havent had a drink. Although ill be honest…ive been high for the past few days. (He doesnt know…..yeah ill tell him….later.) for now id like to focus on the fact that today i figured out that i can stop drinking and smoking up outside of a recreational weekend thingy. Just not in my current situation. Once i get moved and i can do things i like again then ill be too busy to smoke up or drink plus my brain will be overall busy as well. Yes there will still be bad days but the ocassional bad day is better then […]

Anyone feel up to talking?