General

10 days without feeling upset, or not feeling anything at all. i’ve been keeping my mouth shut. no part of me is on social media yet i’ve put up what other people see as “everything”, no part of me is true, not in reality, not online. when i used to feel things, i would post them on a close friends list, or write them down on my notes, just to remind myself i’m feeling that way, really stupid of me but that was how i coped for a while. the happiness, for half a night i would be almost high on happiness and drown in […]

i’ve wanted to kill myself since i was about 8 or 9 and every day i’d come home from school, go to the kitchen, grab a knife, go to the bathroom and just stand there with it at my throat on my tip toes. i hopped one day i’d trip so it’d be kind of an accident and i wouldn’t end up in hell, ( i was religious at the time ) and now i’m almost 16 and i still haven’t done it. i didn’t think i was gonna make it to 10 and now i’m almost 16. i’m such a coward, it’s honestly pathetic. […]

ive finally decided that its best for my friend to continue life without me. at least until i can be the person he wants me to be. if that ever happens which i highly doubt. not without rehab. i tried to put it all down but i was doing it all again 2 days later. he just doesnt know yet. im everything he hates….its better this way.

i can just see it, hehehe. he works at the rehab here and one day after god knows how long ill magically show up. one look at me and he will know everything. he’ll know i left because im […]

A state of mind.

A collapsing truth

Feelings intangible

Freezing hands

Could not stop her

From the fiery pit

Called life

And it called her

Through her grays.

In another life i wish i wasnt me
In another life i wish i live happily

It’s truly sad when you realize just how much you rely on certain people or animals to get you by, because your life sucks that bad without them. What’s sadder is you don’t realize your dependency on them until they leave you, and you feel like your heart has been filleted and your tiny little world begins to implode. I found out this week my favorite co-worker Carrie whom I’ve been working closely with over the past year is possibly transferring to another department in my organization.

I hate how my emotional state is tied to what someone at work is doing.  I wish I wasn’t […]

I’m really tired like every small thing requires a lot of effort especially after receiving my friend’s last letter… The day after, I told my subordinates that I’ll be quitting and leave completely, but people asked me not to and they’ll handle the council activities and duties while I take the time all I need to heal. But, it is still up to me if I will completely leave.

My long rest away from being the chairman of the council starts next week yet half of me is glad and another is disagreeing of the idea of leaving the council. Until when?? I’m not even sure […]

It feels harder and harder to find comfort in anything. There is no one i find comfort or none that i know of that eases the pain. The distractions no longer seem to do their job. Family and friends that are supposed to lift you up make you feel in even smaller. Its amazing knowing that even with 7 biliion people in the world that you are insignificant even to the people who know you best. I dont want to be alive anymore

It’s been some years since I’ve been on the suicide project. I’m 23 now and it’s silly that I’m posting on this forum yet again. Lately I’ve yet to feel real or whole. It’s been hard to sleep alone. I’m not sure if this is allowed but… If anyone would like to fall asleep on skype sometime, no words, no obligation, just knowing someone else is there…. if that makes sense? Im Lola Marvey, at socialsandother at gmail.

I’m on California time. Id appreciate someone to stare at and sleep with. I can’t take being alone.

you read about it. but when you actually go through it….thats something completely different. the visual hallucinations. the borderline personality disorder. the depersonalization-derealization disorder. its all….i dont have any words for it. and maybe im missing something but no one else here talks about it. its all depression and anxiety. am i that broken? should i just die? am i that far gone that i cant be saved?

I spent nearly all my savings on seeing my long distance relationship ex boyfriend, which was for 2 months.

He lives in the other side of the world, all in all it took me months to save up. He also saved up alot of money too…

He actually ended up in debt again because he spent so much. I ended up nearly broke, and I’m still broke.

whatever you do, don’t spend your savings on something like this, unless you plan to end it soon, perhaps. Again the relationship didn’t last, I feel like I just wasted my money for nothing. 🙁

Inb4 someone says that my ex […]

I’m so wrong. And sometimes I can kind of recognize it. I’m a partially self-aware monster. But I won’t change. Because changing would mean letting go of fantasies, and false meanings. And there’s nothing else for me. There’s no other motivation in my mind. My core self is corrupt.

Strip that away, and what’s left? Just an aging meatbag who spends all day sleeping and digesting.

My will to survive is bound up in the unconscious delusion that at some point my fantasies will come true, and all will be right with the world.

Take away the wanting, craving, narcissistic fantasist…and nothing remains. Maybe pain. But nothing else.

What […]

You want to be loved but dont blink an eye about me
I guess I choose the bad guy again
What makes me feel alive is that i feel pain
But when the pain is too much i cant bear it anymore
You are like a drug to me
A place to escape from my crooked mind
And when the times end
Im back again to my state
Depressed
I always thought i was cured
But thats so stupid
It never happened
My mind gulping me down inside
Once again im blind
I give you all i have, its not much but its the last […]

I know I’ll never get over my ex. I didn’t get over him over the first breakup, and I’m not going to ever get over him after the second. He’s like a drug… I’ve installed and deleted the chat app so many times, I’ve tried to take breaks from him, it doesn’t work, and I relapse and I talk to him for hours again, mostly telling him about how I feel and I want him back. He has feelings for me but doesn’t want me back in a relationship.

Yeah I’m really not going to live like this. Nothing has really changed since my last post. […]