General

Anyone else feel it? It feels like there’s more and more horrible things happening as time passes recently. People seem more angry and egotistical lately. My only escape from this reality has been booze and comedy. It’s like you can feel their negative energy. It’s scaring me to be honest. I’ve been hiding inside all day today because of this feeling. I have to go to work tomorrow but I guess I’ll just have to make the best of it and hopefully not piss anyone off on the road or at work. Maybe it’s due to Winter…..I don’t know maybe it’s just random or it’s […]

There’s so much wrongness in my mind, This gnawing, obsessive craving that eats away at me. Delusions that I can’t let go of.

‘If only reality was this certain way, then I’d be happy.’ Perhaps. But reality isn’t that way. It’s not going to happen like that, and there’s nothing I could do to change it.

But despite knowing that rationally, I can’t seem to accept it. Because all of my meaning, all of my hope, is bound up in these delusional fantasies. Accepting the truth – that it’s never going to happen, that it’was likely never possible, and certainly isn’t possible now – that forces me […]

I wish everything is alright if only for the night, I forgot what it feels like to be normal 🙁

Well. I’ll try to take a few months to tie up some ends and then I’ll better off myself!

My boyfriend broke up with me again, why bother living, I’m nearly broke… No goals, no hopes, nothing. I don’t even want to go to my volunteering anymore, that I started recently.

Despite everything, he’s the only thing that made me happy. But I can’t have him. LDRs are so difficult. I’d hope he would come back in the future but I don’t have the energy to bother. I’ve had nothing to eat today. I’m really hungry and I don’t think I really even care. I should eat…

Well, […]

I have but 1 relative that always helped me no matter what and never threw it in my face or demanded anything in return. She has no kids I’m the closest thing she has to one. She has tons of medical problems and any time she needed me I was there. No matter what I was there. I put my life on hold to help her, no one else cares to help so it ALL falls on me. But everyone is quick to try and give advice or tell me what to do as if their opinion is even relevant the .001 seconds they came […]

I’ve come on here over the years to vent, to write about the things I feel. Things normal people would dismiss without any understanding what so ever. I fought hard and I had some years of relief I suppose but now its back with a vengeance. It’s like this fucked up form of cancer that literally sucks the life out of you. I went 7 years without cutting without a single thought of planning out my suicide. I cut again I sliced away the first slice was the deepest. There was hardly any relief it was mostly disappointment that I ended up back here again. […]

i cant handle the hallucinations anymore. they are lifelike now. they physically touch me now. they want me dead. they have this look in their eyes. they are going to kill me. i just cant do it anymore. i dont even know how to deal with it. where to start. i dont know who to ask for help. iv done research and research. the doctors know nothing. theyve been studying this since the 17th century and still know nothing. they know a bit about auditory but mine are visual. i just cant do it anymore!

I’ve been wondering what makes people really do it. I’ve come from nothing, and I don’t even know why I’m where I am today. I believe in God, and for me the question is what kind of God. What does it mean to be good. People tell me a good God wouldn’t let evil happen the world, but how do you understand what good even is. Is good relieving a problem, can an evil act be classified as a good. Does killing a murderer before he is ever born count as good. What’s the limit of what makes our lives? I’ve been wondering […]

I’ve reached the point of no longer caring. There are people I care about, but the pain I feel, the depression, the constant struggle is too much now. I have about 5 days till I get paid. I’ll withdraw everything in my bank accounts for cash, box it up and send to my grown kids. They both live 1000 miles away. My tools go to my son hopefully and I’m planning my exit. I have the means to go painlessly and quietly. How others cope with me being gone will be tough for them and will likely linger far longer than I hope, but I […]

I feel trapped, i feel like the walls are coming closer every second, people thinks it’s easy all this, i just…just wanna be dead now, i dont want to do something they want me to do 🙁

Everyday is a vacation to me. No classes or anything. For the past 4 days I did not do any chores. I’m not sure if it’s just 4 days or more.

My brother finally confronted me through text. Can’t even tell him it’s because of the attacks. I can’t seem to leave my room nowadays because of the sudden panic attacks. Because I might fail my resolve not to kill myself when I leave my room and hear any comments or what from my family.

I want to cry because the me that I just saved yesterday already vanished but the tears are not coming.

700€ into a single suicide attempt.

may be me understood to share the heaven with the pyrotechnics, not Love.

I don’t celebrate Christmas, or most any holidays really. Despite that I hope you lovely people are enjoying yours, or are at least enjoying something, whether it be a break from school or work or the like…

Anyway, I’ve just been here, in my room, thinking.

As a kid, I had a sort of odd fascination with hypnosis. I watched lots of videos on it and was simply curious about how it worked. I wasn’t sure how real it was.

Then late 2018 or early 2019, I hypnotized someone. Completely by accident. I was in complete shock. Of course I tried not to mess the person up or […]

Were suppose to be going to his mothers today. Thanks to this massive headache i have i might be able to get out of it.

Hehe…i never thought id see the day. I use to love holidays. And then they took away the only one that cared about me. I then only liked the holidays at some points. I then found out that people i called mom and dad were monsters. Not real parents. I found my real dad and his girlfriend….they ended up adbandoning me. What are the holidays for without friends and family to share it with?

update: i didnt get out of it

Here it fucking comes. Another empty, hollow and sickening Christmas day. If i’m lucky, the dog will snore loudly enough to overcome my ringing ears. I don’t have the balls to stop the pain.

I hate myself for it.

Its like youre zoned out but you cant snap out of it. Its like youre watching a movie even though you know its actually happening. I assume this….out of body feeling i guess one might call it, is what disassociation is. Idk. I might be wrong. Any ideas?