General

I want to die again.

I always get like this when I lose all of my reasons to live.

I  already know that I shouldn’t need reasons to live.

But I’m not perfect. As of now, reasons are my oxygen. I’m probably find another reason, be fine for a while, and return later with this same post. Stuck on repeat

I don’t know what to do. In one sense, I should kill myself. I’m a terrible person. I’ve done awful things in the past, and part of me wants to do worse. And recognising objectively that I’m a bad person doesn’t motivate me to be much better in future. My conscience fades in and out, like a radio station – some times there’s just no signal, and I want to do the worst things imaginable (though fortunately I have little ability to). People like me shouldn’t exist. I don’t want to exist as this person, during times when my conscience is stronger. It feels wrong […]

When you’ve been doing so good lately, and it seems like things are finally looking up for you after so long… And you’re happy, Not faking it like you usually do…
Literally H A P P Y

Then one day…
That ONE FUCKING DAY, that everything just comes crashing back down and you find yourself right back where you started…
And the only thought you’re left is

DOES TIME REALLY HEAL ALL WOUNDS?

i can’t even start writing. I can think of everything that had twisted me into this way, since i was a child, but nothing will happen even if i say the words out. I’ve been seeking attention, not help, i want other people to feel that i am in this terrible state, but i don’t want help, i don’t deserve help, the only way to pay back is to be in more pain, more and more.

i don’t know when i started making these self deprecating jokes, lowering myself to a state just to make myself feel comfortable. but in other people’s eyes, from all these […]

What does one do when they hate life but isnt currently suicidal?

I mean, what is there to expect anymore? What is there to hope about? Love, family and friendship have died long ago. Money also I don’t have.

Life is a balance between relationships and money, right? You see very wealthy people and they claim they are lonely, mature successful people who are unmarried and childless, etc, the people who say that money can’t buy happiness. Yes you don’t have happiness, but you have money.

And on the other hand you see a homeless person, or a generally poor person, with 5 kids or whatever, with family warmth. Sure they do struggle to pay the bills but […]

And so here I sit, alone, on my bed, in nothing but a towel. All of my lithium pills counted and laying out in front of me. Unsure whether I should end it all tonight, or just hang in there a little bit longer

This two excuses together will save you from anything in the eyes of society.

To not judge self, to not judge others, to not judge thoughts, to not question morality, to not ponder about expectations, to never make assumptions about the unknown, to estimate carfully (for it is necessary in several circumstances), to not limit my mind to my knowledge or mindset. Every thought I have is born from observations about this world. And I wish to not be restrained by it anymore.

Things are going okay, yet I’m still not okay…. Sleeping 12 hours per day now, not really doing much, barely eating…. I should find a life. I’ve done some hobby things but those are of course mediocre at best.

isn’t it funny how mental health works. all of sudden you’re fine and then all of sudden you’re not. its funny how what works for some people wont necessarily work for you. its funny how i somehow am stuck in that pit of emptiness and no matter what people try and tell me or try to help me nothing works. ive been on almost every mood stabilizer there is. ive tired anti depressants, ive tried CBT, ive tried DBT. ive tried it all.

yet im still empty

ive lost the motivation to care about myself. ive tred to get better for long yet here i […]

In the words of Jean Luc Picard, “…there are fewer days ahead than there are behind.”  Thank goodness. I’ve probably experienced 400,000 suicides/violent executions over the years.  There was a 20 year period where I would run scenes in my mind anywhere from 20 to 100 times a day.  I stopped for awhile, and restarted somewhere between five and ten years ago. Sometimes the target is my head; sometimes my heart. Once in a while, it’s a whole body total annihilation thing.

I have multiple keys to exit. I can leave any time.

I’m employed and am employable. For all of my complaints, I work on interesting […]

i’m seeing myself, the things around me, as me, in third person.

i’m seeing everything at once, i’m hearing everything at once, i ‘m feeling nothing but everything at once.

i don’t understand what this is, i can’t identify myself as myself anymore. i can’t even hate myself because i can’t recognize her anymore. i feel strange, i can’t explain it.

everything feels new, my hands, the pillow, the world. i feel like i’ve been born one second ago, i want to show you what i see, but i don’t know what i see either. i feel like i’m slowly going insane from the imagery and art i […]

I found someone who I like and that likes me back. but the catch? I keep overthinking it. constantly worrying about if he will lose feelings or will find someone better. because lets be real there is always going to be better. there’s going to be someone who doesn’t have the flaws that I do. this is the exact reason I have avoided relationships for the past four years. I ruin before the relationship is already ruined. I can’t help to think that person is just going to fuck me over.

I haven’t been on this page for six months. I guess you can say things were going better and yes, I’ve had some good times. I’ve traveled, I have a boyfriend now, my meds have been working, my relationship with my family is ok… But there’s always a catch.

So here’s the real adult problems that we have to face and people can see: big decisions ahead (I need to get a Masters degree and money is a real issue), I have to a get a better job, make my relationship work or finding a new one.

And then there is the pain that we go through […]

I don’t know how or why, but I deserve all of this. I am a bad person. I deserve to be punished. I deserve all of the suffering I am a victim of. I am a bad person. I deserve all the pain I feel. I deserve this.

I don’t know who to apologise to.