General

It was the birthday of my sister. And after lunch, we’d thought of watching a movie together.  So, while watching the movie, I didn’t realize when I’d dozed off.  All I remember was falling down the steep old staircase and hitting my head hard. I had woke up with a jolt even though subconsciously I knew I was dreaming. My heart was racing so fast and I was shaking literally and breathing heavily. We were watching a comedy genre and my sister was quite perplexed.
This has happened again, this evening while I was taking a nap.  But this time I’d screamed so bad – […]

Take me or leave me. I’ll never be perfect; believe me, I’m worth it.

Call it a curse or just call me blessed. If you can’t handle my worst, you ain’t getting my best.

Ill tell you my story, I consider myself as a nice and Smart person but I’m damaged all because I’m not pretty enough, everything is about the fucking Way I look, young men since I’m a teenager have been harassing me about how disgusting and ugly I am, they made me hate myself, As an adult I realize this pain is eating me slowly, IT’s killing my Spírit and soul, I’m a depressing girl who cries everyday, I’ve never had a relationship, my low selfsteem has attracted jerks. I’ve been slutshamed, a goodamn asshole tried to rape me, I’m tired of liking guys, I know […]

All these monsters ( named human, how? They never deserved it ) should die or burn in hell
How many more fuckin horrors need to happen before all this life shit in general will be over? ?

If you had surgery and you’ve never felt the same afterwards… always in pain, never being able to eat or sleep and seriously believing you were going to die but didn’t want to, what would you want to hear from your friends and family? Or if you had a friend potentially dying of something they don’t know about and they really didn’t want to die, what do you say to them? What do you talk to them about? I want to save my friend but I feel like I’m failing.

I have so many dream that i want to achieve
I want to do ballet with all my heart
I want to sing so loud so everyone can hear me
I want to be free like a bird

Its only on my mind

She attempted while we were chatting on the phone.

I was fairly angry with her, trying to persuade her not to go through with it. Angry and concerned.

She’s been crying nonstop the past few hours, while throwing up and what not.

She finally called someone, but I’m just heartbroken.

All I can do is console her as best I can.

Can’t go visit her, no actual hugs, no kisses on the cheek, nothing.

Listened to her bawl her eyes out.

I feel so useless atm.

I really have to wonder why I am so sensitive.  I’ve been a fat ugly cow for my entire life.  You would think I would be used to the way other people treat fat pigs like me.  But, I sometimes forget and think that maybe for a moment I could be treated like everyone else.  I don’t like being fat, but it is just the way I have always been.

Today at work one of the other departments had pizza for lunch.  They ordered a huge amount of pizza and there was a lot left over.  The members of that department walked around the rest of […]

Reasons To Kill Myself:

Bringing my current experience of fear, regret, despair, longing, guilt, shame, & self-hatred to an end.
Avoiding the risk of more extreme forms of suffering in future – violence, agony, horror, imprisonment, disability, degenerative disease etc.
Ending my capacity to negatively impact the lives of others.
No more exhaustion, physical pain or discomfort.

Reasons Not To:

Doing so seems likely to permanently devastate my family – my parents and sister – good people, who seem relatively happy right now.
It would end my current capacity for positive experience – no more pleasure, enjoyment, excitement. No more beauty. No music. No more wonder at this universe.
Finally giving up on […]

i really dont want to live. i dont want to be alive. to care for people or talk. i can barely even talk to myself. i dont want to be here. i’ve tried i stayed away and said i’ll work things out i’ll think more i’ll be more positive or i’ll just throw away all my thoughts and pretend life doesn’t bother me, but it didnt work. i’m here wanting to slit my throat. it’s harder each time. i want to end this.

I miss who I was before. I was kept so stupid I didn’t realize that I was stupid. Life was better when I wasn’t thinking so much like I am now. Thinking and thinking. I feel like I’m losing a fight with myself. Every fucking day it’s just the same shit. Why do I even try? I’m going to be poor no matter what.

The future is uncertain. Tomorrow is uncertain. There’s no telling what will happen, and making a contingency plan is just too much work. I’ll improvise like a stupid juggler when the audience throws tomatoes at him. I know all the temps at work will be getting laid off soon. My car is a piece of junk, but at least I’ve managed to fix the most pressing issues with it now. And this kitten meows like a frog that got swallowed by a pelican.

So let’s just take this whole train and derail it with some randomness.

Come to me all you that labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light

Matt 11: 28-30

I got into canada today, was asked questions and then sent to secondary and interrogated…………………………………..
just sharing my experience here.

The frustration and anger was building inside him. I could see it by his facial expressions and actions, yet he was holding back and not retaliating. Not yet, anyways.  He was biding his time, determined to exact his revenge, and he was not the only one, there were more. Still, I continued to antagonize them with childish insults and ridiculous behavior, knowing deep down that I was digging my own grave. Still, deep down, the anger and sadness drove me on, looking for a victim, looking for an outlet.

I didn’t know him, but didn’t like the way he looked. So I treated him like garbage, […]

Certain states allow assisted suicide. But only for medical reasons…

What about a life of nothing but sadness?
One where I hid behind different masks,
to not be persecuted.
I made you laugh.
I made you cry.
I made you not depressed
by seeing mine.

But I could never make myself matter.

Who is more terminal?
Who suffers more?

Is it not an act of kindness to end any suffering?

Especially when so many counselors shrugged their shoulders
after crying about my tales of life
with nothing left to suggest.

Is not the therapist that says there is nothing left to do
the same as the doctor who has no […]

When I opened my eyes
I was surrounded by people that cared about me.
Guilt was all I felt.
“Why?” is all I heard.

But now I am prepared.
Having conquered loneliness
slowly I pushed the warmth and smiles away
and grew silent.

They left when
I no longer was fun.
Intended reaction achieved.

Now when my pain ends soon
no one else’s will begin.

It is the only gift I have left to give.