General

I have a bunch of them, One thing about dreams the imagination comes up with a perfect scenario of what you would like! Then reality sets in, you just can’t snap your fingers and make your dreams come true. The effort, the time, the struggle, all the things you must do to make your dreams come true are overwhelming, then if they require cooperation from other’s your really screwed.

My dreams these days are simple and obtainable but still require a lot of work. I always bite off more than I can chew but not so much that I can’t spit it out if I want […]

Be it naturally or not, I’d like to be listening to this song when I go. To go in peace sounds so much better than vain. Like that one last minute where I can finally be at peace.

So I think I got a C- on a class.
It was a prerequisite to a class that is only offered in the spring, so essentially I have to stay in school one whole extra year just for one more class.
That is a whole year of my life gone, it feels like how depression is and brings it back stronger.
Like I have no control, why is everything so harsh in this world

From Flawless Skills to Rubbish ones.

I have been sleeping far too much and eating not nearly enough. I have just sort of been existing, that’s about all. Eating maybe one small meal per day, with enough time before the last one that I can’t feel hungry. I can’t really see a point in this. Why do I even continue to live? My life will be wasted. I worry about my future but why? Just so I can tolerate 50 or so more years of this? I really should start doing drugs, but I know I don’t have the money for that…. I would miss them, and then I’d just end […]

my last meal is going to be a fresh lobster, with some french or israeli red wine, fire grilled shrimp, a pork chop and a cohiba cigar.

what you guys last meal? if u are thinking of having one

My first post in this site was around 2012.

You don’t forget who you are. Though I have given up the razor, nothing actually has changed. I have always belonged to the dark, and darkness is part of me. No matter how far away I’ve gone, in the end I will occasionally return to this… suicide project.

Happy 10th anniversary, my dearest light. Nothing has changed. Love you the same. Always.

I’m at school right now and I don’t know what to do. I badly want to go home, I’m suffocating and I can’t breathe. I don’t want to hear anyone or anything I just want to go home and maybe tie a pretty ribbon on my neck on the ceiling. Anyway, I really really hate myself. I want to die right now. The agonizing pain is just too much for me. Tons of emotions are showering me, please stop. I’m already overwhelmed as it is. Please. I badly want to cry right now, I’m shaking.

I once wrote a poem in the eighth grade. One about a man chained downed being tortured by his own mind. The kind you look at and think “That kid needs help.” My poem got published in a book filled with other poems not unlike my own. I suppose I felt proud. But mostly, I felt wildly insulted. Insulted that my family didn’t have a single human thing to say about it, just the bland and almost expected mentality of “What a cute drawing, I’ll put it on the fridge.” I was pissed that my obvious subconscious cry for help went completely unturned by my […]

Hi.

I’ve been so sad and so afraid of everything for years. The sadness and fear eats me up everytime I wake up and start a new day, and I know that this year, it gets worse.

I’m pushing and shutting out everyone in my life, when they ask me what’s wrong or what’s going on with me, I can’t find the right answers. I’m scared. Scared of what? Of myself. I’m sad. Sad about what? Sad about living and putting a great burden on my parents. I’m so sad I want to kill the sadness away, but that only applies when I’m dead.

I don’t know how […]

*ding dong*
I wonder who that could be. The thought wandering through my mind as I was not expecting guests. I left the kitchen where I was preparing my sandwich and answered the door. “Hello?” I say as the door swings open. My heart stops. The long black cloak and scythe unmistaken by anyone. Death was at my house. My hand goes to my chest as I fall to the floor. My breathing grows heavy as I back away. ” Why… Why are you here?” I barely manage to say as my heart tries to escape my chest. He says not a word as he […]

i cant breath. im lost for words. i want to talk to my husband but i have nothing to say. i just want to cry. why cant i just go to sleep and not wake up.

I’m past the point of feeling like suicide. Now it’s just apathy towards everything. Maybe that’s what I need to survive… to feel nothing.

I’ve felt this before. It was the aftermath of my mental breakdown.

I almost died giving birth to my son. And I can seem to shake that I’m feeling depressed and anxious and suicidal because I should be dead right now. My son is 3 and a half and something still feels wrong about being alive.

I guess I haven’t reached the point of no return. I think I’m just tired of feeling this way.

Great now my boyfriend wants to meet in real life again in a few months. Holy shit we’d better resolve this or I might as well just be done with him. This better not be code for ‘I don’t really want to meet you’

I know I’m overreacting, I don’t care really.

I could be Death so easily. I get Mental because of so many Things. Tiny opt-outs causing the future to be challenged or fragmented, propagating danger as Integrity of Officials to their Ideals will missed out.

It even does cause me to feel Suicidal to treat the Past or the Fure. The Gossip will always be, but under which Light? I would like to not care, but Mystery and Misasumptions are malvolent to Emotions. I do not want to opt-in to give People Self-Esteem who just want to see People Dead and as provocation aimed on to them.

Nobody wants to Die as an Result of the […]

I think it all started when my parents got divorced. It was so hard for me! And im still dealing with that, even though it happened almost 9 years ago. Also, it was very hard for me when Mom brought his new boyfriend to our house as soon as she divorced. She never asked me if it bothered me to live with someone who was completely new for me, and it really did. I was always jealous because she was always with him, and they are still like that. I hate that! She replaced me with him. It was always me and her, but when […]

The circle continues. My mom attempted suicide 3 times as I watched when I was a child. My daughter killed herself in 2016. My grandmother was given shock treatment and learned to hide her pain. My sister self medicated herself to death and passes in 2013.  I have tried, wellbutrin, zoloft, effexor, prozac, lexapro, depakote, lamictal, celexa, paxil, klonopin, xanax and some I have forgotten .  Cant hold a job over 18 months when I begin to fall apart. Paranoid always thinking I am failing and everyone sees it. Beginning a new job next month and would rather die- literally! I dont want to leave […]

I want a smoke. I havent had one in years and ever since my husband quit the smell has revolted me. But every now and again……

Desire is the problem. If I could just let go…I would be so much more functional. Imagine being able to fall asleep without this longing gnawing away at me.

It’s just programmed too deep inside of me. I can’t picture life being worthwhile without it. It’s like an article of faith at this point. A secular religion.

Wipe all that away, and what’s left?

But I should. I should give up the ghost, somehow. No more false hopes or delusions. Just compassionate, selfless pragmatism. If I could kill my desires and wants, then perhaps I’d stop thinking about killing myself. No more torturing myself. Just peaceful emptiness.

How do […]