i spoke to my therapist today. i read to her my recent journals to help me evoke emotions so i could actually talk about something. i spoke about how bad the nightmares have been getting, how the paranoia is affecting me, et cetera… and i don’t quite remember how, but we ended up on the topic of the recent violently abusive situation i was in (in august). there was something there that i hadn’t unearthed before? the anger towards my parents. allow me to provide some context: in the situation i was in, i was being blackmailed. my abuser was forcing me to do horrible […]
Rants
i’m in a place where i am mentally unable to handle anything. schoolwork feels like trying to roll a boulder up a mountain. functioning in general, actually. i feel so isolated. my friends aren’t as responsive as they used to be when we were all in treatment together… i just feel like shit. i haven’t been able to even work up the motivation to finish my paintings (which are way past due). i have a reading response due tomorrow (600 words) and i haven’t even been able to figure out what the fuck i’m going to say about this passage from Walden. he contradicts himself […]
i often feel like it’s my fate to never be truly happy. as if i’m destined to suffer, that’s my purpose.
many try to make the point of “oh, the bad parts will be over soon”
and to that, I have to ask when? when will they be over? when will they cease to repeat themselves?
it’s a question left unanswered, because the answer is something they don’t want to admit.
The answer is “never”.
for me, at least. I find myself to constantly be a target for abuse, manipulation, pain, et fucking cetera. over and over and over, a never-ending cycle of torture and emotional turmoil.
i don’t have the energy to […]
I’m so tired.
Partially because the ~6 or so hours of sleep I get are of abysmal quality, but I mostly attribute my exhaustion to me being sick. I’m so fucking sick. I’m so exhausted all the time, the nightmares and night terrors plague me and I spend a significant amount of my day thinking about the awful dreams or worrying that it’s some kind of “sign” or “warning,” as if I have precognition or some shit (I know it’s stupid, I don’t know why my anxiety seems to make me delusional to an extent). The effects of my PTSD are fucking debilitating. The dissociation kills […]
Lmao I’m feeling this type of way tonight to come onto this site and checked my post history and I’ve been on this goddamn site for EIGHT YEARS now. Granted, it’s been on and off, but Jesus Christ. You’d think if I was going to, I would’ve done so by now. My first post is from when I was only 14 and now I’m recently turned 22. What a fucked up life.
It’s honestly hilarious when I look back on my old posts and read how broody, nihilistic I was. At least now I can laugh at my pain instead. I’m very grateful for […]
last night I had another nightmare. i don’t know why I say this as if I don’t have them every single night. when i wake up, i have to spend a while laying awake in bed, trying to process what i had experienced during my rest. it’s horrifying. these people that i try to push from my mind reappear as if my dream is their real estate. i’ve tried medication, meditation to induce lucid dreams, i’ve done everything within my power. it’s like some twisted possession, my thoughts are no longer in my control and the images of disturbing, horrifying things sit in front of […]
I’m a soon to be 20 year old with the feeling life doesn’t care what I want to be or what I want to do, anything I put energy into falls apart and it seems like I’m not meant to be what I truly desire. I’ve tried to kill myself several times each one ending with me breaking down in tears wishing I didn’t even have to do it. It’s like I HAVE to do it but why? It’s because I’m not what I want to see or what I want to be, everything I love to do is everything I’m not good […]
I’ve been avoiding showers and changing clothes. Partially because I’m low functioning, but mostly because I don’t want to remember. Every time I shower or change my clothes, I have to see it. I have to see his name, etched into my flesh.
I feel sick to my stomach right now. I can’t stop thinking about it. The things he did. The things he made me do. It’s humiliating. I feel so small and hopeless. I just want to forget. Whenever I remember or think about the things that happened, my face feels heavy.
I want to crawl out of my skin, I don’t want this […]
I’m hurting a lot today. I would say more than normal, but on the other hand, it just feels the same– and that’s part of why it’s so exhausting. Everything has become so mundane. I’ve been sober since late September, I think. I’m proud of myself, I guess. But, dealing with my feelings instead of numbing them with vodka is debilitatingly difficult. I’m having the same issue with sleep. I have horrifying chronic nightmares. Sometimes, my brain will give me an extra “fuck you” and I’ll have a night terror. I’m so tired. I’m so, so tired. I used to snort Ritalin at night in […]
Dead. Dead, but breathing, to put it simply. I can feel myself deteriorating slowly from the inside. Emotionally, physically, mentally. I can feel it in my bones. At this point, I look into the mirror and I am terrified. Who the hell is that? Is that me?
Is it?
I suppose I look like any other person. I suppose.
My insides are all sick and rot. Like bondage on my organs, the PTSD gets a tighter hold on me every single day. I can’t quite process what happened in August. I know what happened, but it all feels like a fever dream. Do I really have the right […]
there’s so many things on my mind
I don’t even know where to start, honestly.
I feel like the entire universe has a personal vendetta against me. It’s traumatic event after traumatic event. Is this my purpose? Is my purpose to be a punching bag? An abuse victim? Traumatized? what’s the fucking point anymore? Why do I even try? Everyone I love leaves, so I might as well push people away like I used to. 9 years of on and off abuse from too many perpetrators to keep track of. I lost my childhood to abusers, and here I am, expected to start planning for […]
I made very good friends with a girl on Roblox, who I call Bella.
She was my only friend, better yet, my bff. She was the only who understood.
But then things got awkward.
We didn’t know what to say. We didn’t even know what to do.
Eventually, I joined, and she told me it was super awkward. She said that was all she could say.
I asked her if this was goodbye.
She never responded in chat.
So, when she spoke again to someone else, I private chatted her. And told her, Thank you for being my friend. Bye. <3
And I left.
Then I erased all contact. All of it.
I am only […]
Hey guys. Honestly, I’m not my best. I’ve been trying to get on this website for some time, but, of course, it kept mistaking me for a robot. That made me angry. Me, a robot, to talk about feelings?
Anyway, tonight I realized my D in math. I told my parents and they nagged me and nagged me to fix my grade. As if I don’t struggle enough already. A twelve year old with severe depression and anxiety. And possibly a sociopath.
See, when I was young, my dad’s dad was sexually abusive.
My older sister told my parents (we were both very young) and […]
honestly i want to focus on myself and focus on my mental health so i just dropped all my friends one by one in the kindest way possible. i dont know if this was a good decision or not since i mean alot to some of them but honestly sometimes i hate them and sometimes i dont. they do shitty things and make me want to not talk to them but unless i actually ghost them i cant hold a grunge and completely stop talking to them. most of them didnt care anyways so its fine but idk if i did the right thing
everyone was gone today. they told me yesterday that they were going out. i made a plan then and there.
i was stupid. it was so dumb, the reason i failed.
i couldn’t make it out of the fucking house. between all the blood loss and not being able to afford to refill my prescriptions and not having the will to eat for the last couple of days, I could barely even physically make it to the door, scrabbling along the floor. i passed out and vommed from the attempt.
i couldn’t do it in the house, i can’t leave behind that sort of mess for them. i […]
Living:
– can read more fanfic
– pay back the woman who’s been housing me during the pandemic
– play animal crossing
– post fanart online and read the comments
– make the animatic
– jack off
– eat meat
– still have the chance to get thinner
– listen to my partner’s plans for their au
– attend conventions again, someday
– sing along to music, loud+alone
Dying:
– I won’t be cognizant of anyone perceiving me
– I will not have to figure out how pay anyone back
– never have to interact with my parents again
– not stuck in this fucking body anymore
– […]
Loneliness is killing me, if it didn’t already. So I’m trying to contact some old friends, because why not.? New people are assholes. All of them. Seriously. All. Of. Them. I’ve gained no new friends or even acquaintances. They’re unsocial, or at least towards me.
Maybe my depression is spooking everyone, even though I’m constantly laughing. My heart hurts so much with this heaviness, while being completely hollow. Anatomically impossible. I can’t take this any longer.
Some nights I lay awake and have an argument with my inner demons, whether I should just simply get up and kill myself. I should’ve responded with: Yes. Because it would’ve […]
cw/ graphic suicidal ideation
Nothing in the society that I live in holds real value anymore. Most careers today are tasks that help make some CEO richer. Painting and music hold no sort of sacredness under Capitalism. So many people in my country have died alone from the pandemic, and it seems as though no one cares. There’s so many expectations for me at the age that I am now. I don’t have anything figured out.
The thought of dying doesn’t scare me. I don’t say this to seem like a hardass or anything, either. I view death as the ultimate peace from this abhorrent […]
literally everyone i know has now fucked up their relationship with food?? wtf happened? i fucking hate how i can never go all the way in something ive been struggling for 4 years now and nothing happened even when i reached 14 bmi,, whenever i do lose im very good at hiding so no one thought of anything serious. i still would go out and eat and laugh, then run to a dirty public bathroom throw up my guts in the fastest time i could then go back to laughing and enjoying. and now at least 4 people i know keep telling me oh they […]
it’s been so long since I posted here
Im 19 now, I dropped out- listen, university ISNT for everyone. Especially if you’re rushing things.
my dad is back in Honduras again, I mean I’m happy about that at least. I’m afraid he’ll come back.. I know he will.
to hurt us.
im doing.. okay? I guess, I don’t know how to put it, i role play as ponies, My Little Pony OCS, they’re fun actually. I used to role play before, but I drifted away after I turned 15… then im back in it again. Oh how the world goes in a circle.
i get paid with unemployment […]