Rants

there’s so many things on my mind
I don’t even know where to start, honestly.
I feel like the entire universe has a personal vendetta against me. It’s traumatic event after traumatic event. Is this my purpose? Is my purpose to be a punching bag? An abuse victim? Traumatized? what’s the fucking point anymore? Why do I even try? Everyone I love leaves, so I might as well push people away like I used to. 9 years of on and off abuse from too many perpetrators to keep track of. I lost my childhood to abusers, and here I am, expected to start planning for […]

Hey guys. Honestly, I’m not my best. I’ve been trying to get on this website for some time, but, of course, it kept mistaking me for a robot. That made me angry. Me, a robot, to talk about feelings?
Anyway, tonight I realized my D in math. I told my parents and they nagged me and nagged me to fix my grade. As if I don’t struggle enough already. A twelve year old with severe depression and anxiety. And possibly a sociopath.
See, when I was young, my dad’s dad was sexually abusive.
My older sister told my parents (we were both very young) and […]

everyone was gone today. they told me yesterday that they were going out. i made a plan then and there.

i was stupid. it was so dumb, the reason i failed.

i couldn’t make it out of the fucking house. between all the blood loss and not being able to afford to refill my prescriptions and not having the will to eat for the last couple of days, I could barely even physically make it to the door, scrabbling along the floor. i passed out and vommed from the attempt.

i couldn’t do it in the house, i can’t leave behind that sort of mess for them. i […]

Living:

– can read more fanfic
– pay back the woman who’s been housing me during the pandemic
– play animal crossing
– post fanart online and read the comments
– make the animatic
– jack off
– eat meat
– still have the chance to get thinner
– listen to my partner’s plans for their au
– attend conventions again, someday
– sing along to music, loud+alone

Dying:

– I won’t be cognizant of anyone perceiving me
– I will not have to figure out how pay anyone back
– never have to interact with my parents again
– not stuck in this fucking body anymore
– […]

literally everyone i know has now fucked up their relationship with food?? wtf happened? i fucking hate how i can never go all the way in something ive been struggling for 4 years now and nothing happened even when i reached 14 bmi,, whenever i do lose im very good at hiding so no one thought of anything serious. i still would go out and eat and laugh, then run to a dirty public bathroom throw up my guts in the fastest time i could then go back to laughing and enjoying. and now at least 4 people i know keep telling me oh they […]

Sooooo…. covid has not killed me. Doubtful it will. I rarely get sick. I get a mild cold/fever sometimes cuz i am allergic to my own eggs. So when i ovulate my body tries to kill the invaders. Lol.

Anyways,  my menstrual cycle messes with my hormones. Hormones mess with my brain chemicals. I get even more depressed. So lucky me! it’s the holidays and now i have that great social anxiety i get when i am going to be with my family for long periods of time. Yay.

And cuz of covid, work has really sucked. I have to work at home. The first couple months […]