Nothing ever works in my favor. I started losing friends one by one every fucking year and blamed myself for not being good enough, barely getting through my childhood with once used-to-be abusive father. I’m glad he’s changed now but the effects never really went away. Nothing in my life works in my way. I am desperately clinging on to the job that I am suffering in because I have to support my family, my mom is really sick but I cant go back because of the pandemic, and every fucking day I have to go through a whole anxiety attack before I start work. […]
Rants
I am going to use this forum just to vent and get these thoughts out of my mind. I literally have no friends, my family use me for their problems and I cannot burden my son. I got a fright when the thought popped into my head after so many years. I know that 2020 is hard for everyone. We are all struggling with mental health but I am scared. You see I stopped doing all the drugs, I even stopped drinking this year and its all come crashing down. I cannot see a way out anymore. You know when you get into the cycle […]
I’m not religious but sometimes i wish i were because then i imagine how i was born with sicknesses because i wasnt ever supposed to live for as long as i do and modern medicine ruined ‘the plan’. So the reason i feel wrong is because i am wrong and if i died it would be right again. i know there’s a dozen ways to turn this and choose a different conclusion. I just want to feel like it would be okay for me to make the choice to die myself, and that i wouldnt actually hurt others with it
Three years.
That’s how long I’ve been away from home. Part of me will always remain in NZ – but right here, across the ditch, I’m right where I should be.
As a person, my emotions no longer dictate how I carry myself. Logic is what guides me in all that I do, yet what I feel in the world around me is what helps me stay true to myself. In my line of work there’s a severe shortage of empathy – of people who do give two hoots about those we support and the work that we perform. Rather than end up like the rest of […]
Ive been betrayed, abused, mentally fucked, cheated, lied to , spied on, stolen from, robbed of happyness and all my belongings, caged in psych wards, my entire life… But it occured to me, a few years ago… That I too, live in some kind of floating box CIA prison , the same as Terry A Davis claimed he did, and explained… For over 20 years. Even in my youth, people shit on me, talk down to me, betray me. .. fuck me over… The suicide attempts, the depression, the pain i went through, the betrayals…. I never knew I lived in some kind of prison […]
lately i’m in constant turmoil. i need attention. i’m not getting it. i feel worn and dry, failure after failure.
the good news is i finally got diagnosed; persistent depression, generalized anxiety, and social anxiety. i’ve been a little obsessed with my diagnoses but they have been so close to me all these years without ever being fully present or known. and now they are.
i’m trying but i’m so close to hurting myself again. i don’t want to bother others with it. i feel like it’s not cared for, anyways, or if i even do resort to that i’ll only be met with anger. i feel […]
Fact: Nobody likes a downer.
There’s just so much I don’t share with people. I could do way worse, than budging every once in a while and sound like a total pessimist, especially badmouthing myself. And if I ever do, people probably think, I’m being dramatic. Well, if only you could look into my head, you’d know that it’s just an inch of what I’m feeling daily.
I can’t pull these ridiculous jokes anymore and act, like everything is alright. I just can’t. Do you ever send something depressing to your ‘friends’ and go to bed and think: Shit, I’ll probably regret this tomorrow. And […]
People always tell me that I’m privileged, spoiled, and have a good life, that I should be grateful. But what if that is still not enough? What if I want so much more in life?
I’m an idealist. I have big dreams, and even visions to change the world. But sadly, in reality, there are still so many factors that limit me from achieving all my dreams. Instead, here I am just being another normal, ordinary, average Joe on the street that just only do mundane, boring, & meaningless job everyday. Even worse now, this all has led me to experience an existential crisis (or existential depression), that honestly, now I don’t even have any motivation, or basically zero energy to wake up every morning, because what’s the point? What is the point of living, and what is the purpose […]
As I sat there, a young man, broke, unable to pay his own bills and still being supported by loving parents who believe that I just don’t care, when in reality, I just feel like everything and anything I attempt in any capacity is just pointless because of my sheer inability to do anything of note of value; it’s hit me.
Granted I’ve felt this for years at this point but still.
I’m my own worst enemy.
My disgusting obesity and overeating, constantly pissed off at everything I do incorrectly, always angry when parents, even when they say things out of love and support, or try to joke […]
Everyday i wake up feeling horrible i have no one to talk to or hold me. i feel like there’s something just not right with me. i keep pushing my friend away when they try to talk but its just because they feel pressured to and I Don’t want that on them. my family surely wont love me. i cant trust them since Im apart of the lgbtq theyll kick me out of the house or drop me in camp in a heartbeat. it hurts so bad. i have nobody to turn to. i tried telling myself that im the only one who can determine […]
I’m not motavated. Glued to a $18,000 a year Job paying $323.00 for my car + gas, ect’ on a $800 2 week check. I’m full time.
Saved enough for my single self. Though I just wanna buy a gun and play with it. Hoping to build courage to pull the trigger. Money is so poisonous to Mankind. It Stalls and cripples the efficiency of the majority of people. It’s a luxury for the privileged. The lucky and Rich..
It’s hard finding the edge on the higher class..
To build a foundation out of nothing..
Helping myself could be lethal to others. Deadly. Dangerous. I could die. And that’s […]
I’ve had a sorethrot and headache for 5 days now. So I went to a Clinic down the road from my house. Easy parking, the office was empty. I asked the lady at the desk if they gave covid testing, witch I already knew because I looked up locations on my phone.
She replied as if it was the first time someone has asked her. “Yes..we do” is it free I asked she say “No. Insurance will cover half, but without its $200”
I bailed immediately. I soon looked deep into looking for spots/locations that did FREE Covid testing. I just figured you know. DUREING A PANDEMIC […]
-tw ed- it’s been a long while since ive been even aware of my life, i literally just seem to be floating around.. my eating problems have gone through the roof and body dysmorphia is eating me up.. i cant seem to think beyond my reflection and even when i do other things im just suffocating. i cannot walk without feeling every inch of my body its killing me.. i go from days without food to multiple binging and purging sessions and god i feel so disgusting to purge in public bathrooms. im literally a mess but i go out of my way to hide […]
everytime i try to convince myself that it’s okey and the future can be good i take one look at the news, or even just open twitter and im overwhelmed by the terrors of the world. im aware life has always had it’s hardships but it seems as though no one is actually living “to live” instead we are all “trying to stay alive” except ofc the rich and powerful. so why is this even worth living for? i literally have suicide as my plan B if any little thing in my life goes worse. i still somehow still have no died because of the […]
I’m someone who likes to draw, to edit pictures (especially of games) and write my own stories. This year something happened and I lost all interest for my hobbies. I’ve recently just started to regain some interest but… It’s like nothing I do, seems great enough.
I’ve also noticed my friends, that I always share it with, being rather uninterested. I’m not sure whether my perception is just ‘wrong’ or it’s really because I’m shit. I keep thinking: What even is the point of doing this.? If I don’t think it’s good and people around me don’t really care, then why do I waste my […]
I don’t know why I feel like this. I feel worthless. My ex has ruined me, and I cant move past that anytime soon. I can’t do any of my work for school…I’m 3 weeks behind. I just wanna fucking die. My ex just up and left, No explanation no closure. I’m a pathetic excuse of a son and brother, I can’t even do the simple thing of doing my schoolwork, I rarely leave my room and If I do its to grab food/ride around outside. I’m not sure what the point of my writing this is. I plan on writing my note soon. I […]
torched
torched in a blackendd mirror
asleep among violets
amid sunrise catastrophe
i cannot live
Schizoanalysis yields the gray room when and only when the rhizome comes from the corpus arcum, the body with no organs, the space without limits.
Outside the body, all analysis is possible.
And you can see how this “practice” is completely opposite to a perfect pragmatic approach. It may be difficult to apply your mental faculties when you are focusing all of your Selfhood into a rhizome, and reflecting that Being endlessly back into an undifferentiated fog of experience with no tangible aspect.
I pray to the God who sleeps, that he may take my organs swiftly! Leave me barren, Lord!
“I don’t believe in luck! I create my own luck!”. Most people seriously underestimate how luck plays a BIG/HUGE factor in life.
A friend of mine used to tweet a phrase that always sticks with me: “Some people are lucky, some people are not.” That was some years ago, and the more I live now, the more I see (& realized/learned) that it’s true. Most people seriously underestimate how luck plays a BIG/HUGE factor in their lives. Or in life, for all that matters. I don’t know and I’m not sure if it’s due to the meritocracy thing (“If you work hard, you WILL succeed/reach success!”), or if it’s due to the ‘positive/optimistic’ self-help culture/trend/hype that is literally almost everywhere nowadays, etc etc. But I think it’s […]
It’s almost 4 am and I woke up twice from the darn fireworks outside, because there’s been a demonstration going on for a few days. This is such a bad idea, to post here, when I’m sleep deprived. But none of my friends are available to talk to, so you guys are all I got right now.
I’ve been having such a hard time, fighting off negativity. I feel like all my energy goes to telling my thoughts to shut the hell up, so in the end there’s nothing left for myself… I honestly don’t think that this is normal. Even when I try my […]