Right now I’m getting Harped at by my parents to go give my aunt a birthday present, I don’t want to. Not that I hate my aunt or anything, but, I don’t feel like moving. I’m a lost cause, I’m 17, and too afraid go to school. Was I bullied? Beaten up? No, I’m just a coward. Social phobic, and agoraphobic from birth, it is only recently that I refuse to go. Last year, my best friend moved away, which caused my depression to relapse. Last time a best friend moved away, at the age of 13, I became suicidally depressed, not only that, but […]
Rants
I’m not a goddamn poet, just decided to make my crappy uncreative version of a poem.
A poem to Jasmine. Fuck Nycolle, wait no I still am in love with you… (just let her go Nathan, she wasn’t meant for you…) no she and I must be together forever… T-T (stop, you’re better off without her.
What are we fighting for now? Where is our solace? What is the point to life? We, as human beings, promote our own self-importance through arts, writings, civilizations, etc, and yet none of our achievements means anything. The more we “improve”, the more we destroy, and although we work so hard and put so much effort into whatever we do, in a hundred or thousand years, we will become anonymous, our achievements will have become forgotten or replaced with others that will soon be forgotten as well. We all work so hard, fighting through personal struggles and climbing over obstacles, yet what is our reward? […]
I think I have a bipolar disorder.
I told my parents a few weeks ago, but they’re acting as if I’d said nothing.
Yesterday, I went to a friend’s birthday party and I felt like I wasn’t even there. And maybe it was because of the loneliness and vulnerability I felt because of the party or because of something else, but I’ve been eating non-stop since then. This always happens. I can’t do my work. I can’t read a book (something which I would usually enjoy immensely). I’ve been sitting in front of my computer all day. I don’t feel like doing anything that requires more energy than […]
3:42 A.M.
Haha it’s really late I always post some time after midnight but before the sun comes up. Maybe Rogue Shadow is still here inside me. That deep, dark side of me where a paper cut is all it takes to see the evilness inside me. It could be that I’m just deprived of sleep, having an intellectual…. Intellectual high point? well anyways, I always wanted a black cloak hoodie thing like the creature from the village, Jedis and siths from star wars, or even from assassins creed (in which I haven’t played but would like to). I want one to conceal my wretched […]
The sound of the train. Was fucking taunting me last night. I regret not being there. Lying on the tracks. Music blasting. Staring at the stars. Thinking how miniscule I am. Compared to the universe. To all living things. A tree is more important to this world than little ol’ me. I cried because I wasn’t there. As opposed to crying because i’m waiting for my imminent death. Knowing the end is near and i’m finally at peace and everything is brighter. I see more clearly. I told myself I wouldn’t come back to SP. But I did. And it was really only to mention […]
Once again I just randomly feel like posting.
I’m thinking about how friends come to me with their problems a lot. I always feel like I fail to help them. Even my friend’s cousin who’s in her 20s came to me. I really don’t know how to help her, she’s in some deep shit. She didn’t do so well in college, shes in debt, no job and has troubles with her love life. She once ended up in the hospital for a suicide attempt and just stopped going to therapy. Honestly, how am I supposed to help her? Whenever she comes to me, I feel like an […]
I’m really not in a good state of mind right now, I just can’t seem to get my head clear. You see this new girl got highered at my work and i thought she was cute from the start but I never thought anything of it because well, its work. But a week or 2 later my friend tells me that she likes me so i went with it and we started talking a lot and just suddenly i really fell for her and eventually we hooked up. Then a few days later everything hit the fan…first i come into work and she is covered […]
Hi guys. I’m just going to anonymously rant for a while.
I’ve been clinically depressed for the last 7 years, and it’s just getting worse and worse and I can’t see a way out. I’ve recently broken up with my boyfriend/fiancee of 5 years just half a month ago, my studies aren’t going well (I’m studying piano and no matter how hard I’m working it never seems to be enough), and I keep getting nightmares about my past experiences when my uncle raped me when I was 7 years old. I had a really big nervous breakdown today and lately I haven’t been able to sleep […]
When you’re numb,
All you’d want is to feel.
It doesn’t matter if it hurts,
If it makes you feel, well then so be it.
Life’s filled with a whole bunch of nothings.
At least that’s how you see it,
For you just can’t feel,
Anything but numbness, that is.
Kids on the block calling you silly, all because you can’t keep that smile off your face,
That fake smile, you’re so damn good at,
Even your friends can’t see through it.
One minute you’re smiling your famous smile,
The next you’re crying into your pillow.
Mom thinks you’re all messed up,
It’s not you fault you […]
DISCLAIMER: THERE IS TOO MUCH TO READ HERE HAHA, SPENT TWO WEEKS WRITING THIS AND IT HAS MY DEPRESSED STATE OF MIND INSANITY LONELINESS AND EVEN A PANIC ATTACK!!!
So many thoughts…Â
Filling my brain.Â
The dream about my dogs and snapping a dogs neck.Â
The thoughts of the videos I watched.
 The woman dying in the bathtub, drowning while tied up. The video game that may have caused noises in the night, nightmares, paranoia, and other paranormal mishaps. I blame my mother for that nonsense, but whatever.
I read Maximum Ride today, the whole book of Angel which is only 300 pages, about 82 small chapters. I […]
I’ve been struggling with Major Depressive Disorder, anxiety and Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder for about 3 years. I was hospitalized two years ago for obsessive thoughts, major depression and anxiety. I had homicidal and suicidal ideations for a long time. I hated school. Hated all those pricks in it. Along with the faculty and the injustice of the school. I researched the history of school shootings, and Columbine interested me the most. I could relate so much to Harris & Klebold. Their thoughts, plans and everything. I got to thinking: “Well I hate school. I hate the injustice of the school, my classmates and everything.” I was […]
It’s odd. My default mood is, “meh.” The only other things I feel are mild sadness, anger and occasionally happiness. Literally numb to everything. I didn’t cry when I found my cat dead in the garden. I didn’t cry when I found my mother dead in bed. Or at her funeral. Of course I was sad, but I couldn’t feel anything. Honestly, and this sounds stupid, but it upsets me.
When something bad happens I think, “this is really sad” but no emotion comes. All congratulations are completely fake. To even try and celebrate seems fake. I feel less than human. It’s creepy.
I hate […]
Never Unloved.
Sounds pretty unbelievable doesn’t it? But it’s true nobody out there is truly unloved.
At least one person out there cares about you, loves you and will always be there for you, no. matter. what.
To prove it… I probably live halfway across the world from where most of you are but I dare say that I love you.
“Psychotic chick thinks she loves people she doesn’t know? Psht!”
Well yep. As crazy as it sounds it’s trueeeeeeee! I love youuuuu! Why? Because everyone deserves to be loved. No matter how hard we try and tend to deny. I learned all this after […]
my stomach drops everytime i hear anything about my past friendship with someone who meant a lot to me and i cant stand it anymore. i’m sick of being the one that everyone comes running to when they’ve hit rock bottom. “the fixer” is apparently an adequate word to describe me. i hate that. i’m sick of trying to help everyone that i pose some interest in and never here them ask “what about you, are you okay?”. the truth of the matter is that no matter who i finally connect with, all that matters to them is themselves and that which they cannot achieve […]
My Best Friend, Jessica, tried to kill herself in 2007. Â She survived… But barely. Â She hung herself from a belt in her closet…. The belt was said to be 1/2 cm ‘too thick’ to kill her. Â Instead, it basically turned my best friend into a vegetable. Â Jessi couldn’t speak or move by herself… And two years after her attempted suicide and us fighting for her life, she passed away. Â We never got to hear Jessi’s story. Â We never got to hear the answer to all of our only question… Why, Jessi? Â Febuary 12,2009 I was visiting family 900 miles away from Jessi, and I got […]
i’m having one of those days again…dont wanna go through the pain of offing myself..jus wanna sleep and not exist anymore.
nothing in my life brings me joy except that i am alive
school is pointless , my gpa is so low its too late to bring it up so i can forget about going to law school
i know my boyfriend is cheating but i dont wanna be alone so i try to ignore it and not cause any arguments…pathetic and self loathing
lucky to have a my job but my job security is shaky as the business could go belly up ….and then what for me
want to […]
I’d like to die soon, thing are just not going the way i plan , this life is way to hard for me, even though i battled through an eating disorder, people think I’m strong, but I’m not it eating me alive,  it made me weaker.I just think all new ways to die, everyday and seem which ones the least painless, I’m done with this pain, i wanna go peacefully. but  i don;t even wanna talk anymore, im fading,not there, i feel numb, i get cuts now and i don’t feel it, i feel irresistible to pain and  feel nothing. The only pain i feel […]
The other night I had an episode…I started to feel like the pain was taking over. Sometimes I can take a long shower and have a good cry and it releases enough tention to come back, but… This time it just seemed to open up my mind to other options. I got out and against my best judgement began to drink and drink and drink… The tears were to much and the hurting in my chest was crushing… I grabbed my keys and jumped in the car racing down the highway. Luckily within the hour I had come down enough to realize I should go […]
Good fucking job, Sierra.
You disappointed her again. Can you do anything right? No? Yeah, that’s what I thought. You’ll never be enough. You’re too much of a mess. No one can fix you. Why do you even keep trying? The results are always the same.Â
You know that you can’t always turn to the razor, right? It just makes things worse. But, you’re good at that. Making things worse, I mean. Really fucking great at that…
You’re fucking beastly. Stop hurting her. She cares about you so fucking much, but you can’t just accept that. How did she even pick you? You don’t deserve her. You’re not good enough, dear. Don’t […]