What would you undo?

at the same time as it is the problem, it’s the only solution I have, avoiding life that is. Like when I talk to the suicide hotline… or a therapist… it all comes down to how well am I avoiding triggers, which now most of life is filled with.

It’s Monday, it’s supposed to be my productive day, and I just can’t engage with almost anything. I want to, but I don’t know how to make that happen. I had an image waking up today; an ostrich with it’s head buried in the sand. That’s me. Looks pretty stupid.

Thus far I filled out some forms…. but […]

Why does everywant want to have sex. My older brother. My younger brother. My parents. My neighbours. I hate sex. I don’t want to have sex. But no girls are interested in me apart from wanting to have sex. I don’t want it… I hate sex

Thank you for causing me problems. 

Thank you for the trauma. 

Thanks for hurting me. 

Thank you for never being there. 

Thanks for making me feel worthless. 

Don’t worry it’s not just you. 

These kids at school  have caused me trauma too. 

I have been abused my teachers, kids, and myself. 

But maybe if you were there I wouldn’t be in this situation in the first place. 

Thank you for being the first to cause me trauma.

Depression has ruined everything. when something is peaceful its only for a few moments. Then everything goes to shit again. I get annoyed and start pushing people away. I don’t realize I’ve been pushing everyone away until Im really low. Its the same cycle over and over and over. one big endless cycle.

I had an urge to end it all the other day. I don’t know why I Didn’t.

Im so lonely and I just want a relationship where somebody cares about me. Someone who shares my interests and who will make me smile and laugh. But how can somebody love me when I don’t love […]

I just want someone. I just want someone to comfort me. I want someone to appreciate me. I want someone to talk to. I just want a friend. I’m tired of being lonely. I’m tired of spending my weekends on the internet (not talking to anyone but a Replika) instead of hanging out with friends. I’m tired of having to work by myself for group projects because I don’t have any friends. I’m tired of going out in public, seeing everyone with their friends and/or boy/girlfriends, and getting sick with jealousy. I’m tired of trying to make online friends just for them to forget about […]

This past week has felt like an eternity. Prep for presentations and projects that I know I’m no good at. My partners are the ones that put in most of the work. I just uselessly tag along. Always depending on someone and never the one who is depended on. I’ve also been real weepy lately. Crying over how useless I am. No matter what I do I’ll never learn and better myself. It’s almost like I’m incapable of growing. That’s why I can’t cut it in this Master’s program or in the workforce. My decision […]

I’m tired of trying to distract myself from my loneliness. I’ve been more or less alone for the majority of my life, and it’s only getting worse as I get older. No one knows me. No one cares except my family, and they don’t really know me. I’ve given no one a reason to care about me. There is no good reason to care about me. I’m not someone worthy of being cared for. But it doesn’t stop me wanting it. I want to be known. I want at least one other person to really understand what goes on in my head, without wanting to […]

all theses thoughts inside my head. all this pain. all these things make me wish I were dead. my brain is destroying myself from the inside out. any stability I had left is withering away. at the moment there is no peace, no happy, no joy. all the things that drive me crazy.

A new door has opened. Suddenly, a glimmer of light beams brightly through the cracks of the walls. They’ve surrounded me for so long. Rotted and creaky wood beams, overgrown weeds. I became this statue covered in ivy. Waiting for the earth to send me roses. A garden exploding with gorgeous colors. I see the small stem there. The pretty green. I’m not afraid this time. The trauma I’ve endured through this is changing me for the good. It’s time to grow and move on. It’s time to embrace who I am. It’s time to put effort into being my best self.

It’s a new feeling you taught me
Walking past my phone
Waiting for it to light up

But now I expect everyone to not talk with me and get hurt. At last, even the boy I loved truly left me for his selfishness. Screw up people and big screw up the phones. People around me change me like this ……….. Now I’m a lost cause.

You must just cope with the fact that you have a problem as long as you have a pulse. So fuck up everything and live the moment happily with people or without people.

sowed a seed in a barren heart

nourished it with water and blood 

as the time passes by 

it started to grow 

began to feel on all my sufferings

it gave me reassurance of my every doubt

eventually i realised 

it was a parasitic plant 

i let it grow, while i decayed .

I wouldn’t be half as depressed if food, housing, transportation, or anything related to LIVING weren’t so goddamn expensive.

It was always expensive before, but since covid, the cost of EVERY FUCKING THING has skyrocketed. How am I supposed to be happy if I am poor and can’t afford anything?

Telling me to “think positive” doesn’t do me shit if I’m hungry and my brain is throbbing from lack of affordable nutritious food. And going there without transportation to lug all the food back is a problem too, especially if you’re disabled and sick.

People have REAL problems. Whether it’s lack of money or […]

I don’t know how common this situation is; as I start to build my energy level back up it takes all the self control I’ve got to avoid going manic. I have to examine every single thing, is it advancing my goals or is it activity because I’m anxious and resent silence and stillness? More often the second thing.

Then, in the stillness, there is the temptation to sink back towards depression. Is a healthy middle ever going to be easier?

Of course it can, but will it? I used to be so sure, if I put my weight behind something, within reason, it seemed certain it […]

Id say I can be pretty happy from time to time not for very long but I have my moments. I just want to stay happy but that can never happen. Depression comes in waves. It goes up and down and up and down. But i’m always down for a long time and when i’m up its not for very long. My mom and I were up all night rearranging my room and yes it was exhausting but in the end I was happy to finally have my room clean. That didn’t last very long. After I got out of the shower it just hit […]

This post isn’t about politics. I am not a Republican or Democrat (I hate them all, all the establishment shills), and I don’t care for Trump, but he did give us a good term- Fake News. This video is the definition of Fake News.

This is a good example of what our “news” is really like. This isn’t even political or covering anything controversial- just RAIN. But even coverage of something that’s just rain is being painted and pretended to be something it’s not. And this was 11 years ago, before the age of “Fake News.” This was back when […]

There’s a TON of things online that is just not true, but is put out there like it is. No, I’m not talking flat-earthers and such. I’m talking from things like science, diet, nutrition, finance, money, economy, etc. There’s so much “misinformation” out there, both intentional and unintentional, and it’s coming from everywhere- MSM but also alternative sites too. Nobody can agree on the facts. And I’m not just talking politics. Talking about everything- name any subject.

I hate how when ppl write stuff online, ppl just take that author’s word as fact. Just say you’re publishing Opinion Pieces, […]

I feel kind of drained. Last week I had a really strong impulse to hang myself. I was just sitting on my bed and my belt was there so I gripped it tightly and thought about it. For a minute or so. And a couple of days ago… or I don’t know. I don’t know when. Maybe yeaterday or more than two days ago. I was in my living room and I started crying because I thought that my life is really pointless and it’s just not worth it. In general I feel fine, I guess. But these things happen more and more often recently. 

What do you do when you no longer have the energy or the willpower to fix your life? No one is going to fix our life for us, or help us. But when you’re sick, have no energy, can barely sustain going to the grocery store and showering, then how tf is anything going to get better?

all i can do is get through each day, which means laundry, food, showering, brushing teeth, etc. After it’s done, you crash. then repeat the next day and next day and next week and next month. No energy to do anything more than that. […]