Someone close to someone I love died and I can’t help but feel jealous of them. I wish it was me. Why couldn’t it be me? I don’t understand. I don’t want to live and I want death and it seemed like everyone around me is closer to death than I’ll ever be. I know it’s a stupid feeling but whenever I remember what it takes to hold on and be alive, I honestly don’t want to go through it.

All these happiness is not worth the extreme pain I feel about merely existing. Being a human sucks and we’re only going to keep living […]

I made a post where i talk about THE truth about what Sheena said so :

Sheena is a 2003 who was in my big sister’s school when she was around 8 ,

Niela wasn’t very cool with Sheena and her friends BUT she didn’t harmed them

We moved days before my birth and Niela didn’t keep in eyes Sheena and all of her friends.

Nearly 2010 , my big sister opened a blog about Tokio Hotel with my mother : Mary-Ann

They loved thotel so much !

Sheena too , unfortunately for Niela ,

Sheena started scolded my sister , telling her she was awful for leaving her and “their ” […]

Hello ,

I’m really really angry that people think Sheena tells the truth ,

In fact Sheena is still alive and she’s on her way to celebrate her 19 birthday ,

Bridget didn’t log into Sheena’s account and Chiara doesn’t exist as Niela .

BUT

Niela was MY big sister and she killed herself on the fifth of december 2012 at only 16 years old .

The band is not real too , only the story with that one girl is real ,

That one girl Sheena told you is Renata Kambolina , known as Rina Palenkova and me and my family ALWAYS knew that ,

” Misha ” does exist but his […]

I can do this on my own. I believe in myself. It won’t be easy and I understand that. That’s what it means to break through the wall. It hurts along the way but it’s supposed to. Life isn’t easy. And through this, I’ll start discovering more of who I am… how strong I can be, and when the wave of emotions come where I feel like it’s too overwhelming, I’ll learn how to handle it better. How to manage. My family’s coming closer in the spirit, reaching out more and more, and I feel less isolated.

Everything’s going to be okay. I can do this.

I […]

Hear your situation/ story and come to the same conclusion, a conclusion at variance with your own conclusion then you’re in trouble.The whole world can’t be wrong and you’re right, never in human history has that happened. Certain problems in my own life that I had to get objective opinions about I always noticed that what I heard back was pretty much identical, it might have been couched in different language depending upon the level of education of whomever I was talking to but the central conclusion was the same. This flipped the problem right back on to me and the fact my thinking had […]

In your eyes
My neon solstice

And will you take me as I am

I’m both the savior and the damned

In your eyes

Did you really think that innocence would last forever?

Girlfriends and flashing lights

You’ll never be alone

And it’s burning up downtown

But by the time we show, there’ll be nobody around

So I’m just hoping for some consolation

In a fading constellation

That hangs in your soft laughter

And sometimes when I’m layin’ here at night

I remember the same laughter of a girl I knew

when we were young

We’d count out all the summer stars

Laying on the back porch swing in the dark

And oh the way she grew to be an angry woman

We […]

I have struggled with depression my entire life. I’ve attempted suicide seriously twice. The last was in November of 2019. I took 6 grams of amitriptyline and ended up in ICU for 4 days, followed by a week in mental health.

I’ve also lost both my parents to cancer. My mom January of 2020, and Dad July 2021. I have no siblings. My mother’s family is….terrible. Self-absorbed, elitist…so I am estranged from them. My father’s family is wonderful but live in a different state. I am married and have 2 beautiful children; they are my anchors here.

I think about dying every […]

I’m alive and I am well, there’s no need to worry about me.

…What the fuck it that like? What’s it like to actually enjoy spending time with other people?  To not walk through this world alone?  The times that I feel the loneliest are when I’m around other people spending time together. It’s this stark reminder of what’s missing in my life. I feel even more awkward, even more out of place. Like I don’t belong, or I’m intruding. I shouldn’t be there…I shouldn’t exist. It makes me not want to go outside.

This pain is so bad it hurts me even physically. Let me die now, I cant handle anymore. I’m too weak, too horrible, too selfish because I cant make it go away. I’m not worth loving no matter how much I want it. I’m part of the rot of the world that fucks up everything. I deserve to die a long and painful death. I think they know. I think they’re ashamed to even look at me. I try so hard. I fuck up everything. Theres no point. The world would be a little better if I were gone. It hurts. Please kill me.

It is just a bunch of things on my mind
I guess I’ll just keep idling because life really isn’t for me, no-one asked to be born and we were all forced into this world whether we wanted to be here or not. doesn’t help that I’m rather broke but I have too many internal issues as it is… not necessarily something that can labelled as an ‘illness’. Why are we calling them mental illnesses anyway, because it’s like saying that WE are the problem, the actual problem here is society causing everyone to be so miserable. Try having a slightly different ‘unapproved’ opinion to […]

See we may think that we have close friends and for the people who are committed in a relationship they will think they have each other at good and hard times  . But the fucking point is everyone are alone inside them . We may portray ourselves as we are happy with no problems. Truth is we all face mental illness and we feel depressed and fucking low . And that time we expect our closed ones to understand this . No one will be there to help us out . Self motivation is gonna stick up with us and will help to move on. […]

For example, there are probably a lot of suicidal people who never tell anyone, even including never post on the internet. They probably just stay silent, while struggling on their own (for many different reasons & factors we never really know for sure).

Some (or probably a lot) of suicidal people are probably just too tired to even say/do anything at all. Because they feel that it’s all pointless, meaningless, or hopeless.

It’s sad to think that perhaps all those numbers & statistics of “suicidal people” in the world therefore are probably HUGELY underrepresented, by any ‘mainstream’ media, articles, or even studies & researches by the so-called […]

the weird moments of me almost bursting into tears are happening again, i feel like someone is choking me. i wish this feeling would kill me. im in pain most of the day, i feel like im abusing my ibuprofen. i wonder how my liver is doing.

whats wrong with me this time? more loneliness? get over it you stupid little ****! people have it worse than me, people don’t have a loving brother either, hell, even family and friends. boo fucking hoo. im the most selfish person i’ve ever fucking met. there’s things like diseases, wars, and death happening in this world, and im focusing […]

Saturday, 17 Sept 2022

I wish I was kidnapped, or at least had cancer. Perhaps then I would have found meaning in my life, something to live for.

Mine is an empty existence. I have nothing to look forward to. I have nothing to leave behind. Not even words…

I got out of the hospital yesterday. I was there for almost 2 weeks at that point. Most of it spent in the ICU. It was awful. Being hooked up to vital machines and IVs. Being told to eat shitty protein drinks and foods. Being woken up at night to take medication. I hated it it. 2 weeks of my life spent chained to a bed not being able to work. It made me anxious that I’m behind. I’m still anxious. I was already feeling bad about all this, but now I’m teetering back […]

Life is meaningless, purposeless for me but not entirely because the meaning of life is life itself. This sucks. What do you think?

The last post I made was posted from a miserable hotel room in the middle of nowhere. I spent four days there this week, and four days last week, and that cumulative time was enough to convince me I need to do something else with my life. I was also working overnights, doing work on a Walmart…… unholy triad of evil there. I remain baffled that Walmart stays in business, and I could carry on for a good twelve hours listing all the ways it has worked hard to undermine the American working class. Per my therapist’s recommendation, I’ll stay focused on the now, and […]

Getting into a fight at 1 am is a stupid idea. Stupid, stupid. Why am I so fragile. I need another friend. Maybe an old one. But that would bring its own set of problems. It would be selfish of me. Where is this open wound, no one can see anyway.? I think the week-stress hit me like a train now that I get to calm down on the weekend. I was really looking forward to this peaceful night. Guess dafuck not.

There is no excerpt because this is a protected post.