It seems to me that the overwhelming majority of the suffering that I’ve experienced  in my life comes from frustrated desire. From feeling or believing that something is really important and I should do something to attain it, yet simultaneously feeling or believing that it is beyond my reach. Beyond my reach, but not totally impossible. There’s just enough hope there that I can still torture myself with imagining that if I just found the right way, it could somehow be fulfilled. But never enough that it feels tangible, or really worth pursuing.

It’s such a waste of life and emotion. But I’ve never known how […]

One ugly baby

Mom’s heart surgery. Right now. Pray if you want. I gotta make a two hour drive down there because she wanted me to stay behind and wait for her to return.

Look at these outfits she made us wear omgggg I hated it

I really dont know what to do anymore … i never lived a single good day, i have no personality or ambition, always lonely, no love life and never will have. Im hopeless about everything, i dont know what people see about life it seems like a prison sentence, a loan that death gives us with high interest. I have no interest, only work seems to give me some relief even if i hate it … i never did nothing right i just wish i could start over and do everything right this time. I should keep going or just end it?

I was supposed to start a new project last week, so seven days ago I stayed up all night, because the project is going to involve working overnights…. and when I woke up the next afternoon there was no project. I spent the week working on little other stuff, because essential material has yet to be delivered. I even worked Saturday, something I almost never do.

I’m not really complaining, a week where I barely went to work is not that much of a hardship… it’s the symbolism here. I’ve worked really hard, and in most cases the thing I prepared for haven’t happened. I got […]

ive been having these thoughts for a while now, (probably 1-3ish years. i know i should get help. please just. i don’t care. listen to me) and i have acted on them a few times. i feel stupid because my life is probably good compared to others’ (kinda hard to judge when youre biased) and i think im faking having depression though ive hidden it. why would i fake it if no one else cares or knows?
but either way ive tried to act on those thoughts but i never went through. im too much of a coward to tell others, or to […]

The same shit all the time. My family argues in the car, sister all over me and not giving me any room, same “turn another leaf” bs. Same lack of understanding. Same lack of caring. I think about jumping out the car all the time, I wonder if they’d even care. But they dont drive fast enough to cause anything major, I don’t think.

I have no one. I’m so tired. Every morning I wake up and think “why the hell bother”

I get in this mood on sundays pretty often. Mainly because of the same bs that happens all the time in the car, and having […]

if my sister wasnt home id do it tonight. they’re going to hawaii next month and i hope to do it then. im a lost cause. im even more determined not to fail because im never going to allow myself to be hospitalized again. if i cant be happy even after trying to get help im not putting in any more effort. my family speaks about my problems behind my back but won’t even acknowledge my feelings, im losing my damn mind. i heard them saying something about her calling the cops on me and something happend where my dad was trying to convince my […]

why is it so hard now that im older? joining things like random chats dull the loneliness for only a short bit, and im sure its going to be more tough once im back in school.

no one really talks to me nowadays, unless its about art i owe them. ive made up so many characters in my mind, things that make me feel cared for.. but only for a while. im not insane, i know they’re not real. i know they dont care about me. even with calls with my friends, i usually end up just quiet because i dont want to interrupt anyone else […]

I’m getting really bad, I don’t know if I’ve ever been this bad. Usually my scary thoughts are passing and its the feeling of emptiness that makes the bad times bad. I could count on myself that for every scary thought I would have a good one. Lately the bad thoughts have been lingering longer and are more violent than usual. My thoughts that I could hurt others are getting more real and I feel myself slipping away. The thought of killing myself has always been in the back of my mind but now it’s actually an option.

I feel like dying because I’m not into anything. I don’t feel attracted to any particular action, human, job or anything.

extreme stress caused from seemingly nothing noteworthy is making me have thoughts of quiting uni, going back home and find a job. even tho the course im studying is something i enjoy and have great talent for. what do i do? ive had enough stress in the last 10 years of my life, that i just dont have anymore strenth to fight against any new stress. and i have already done smth similiar, but the thing i studied then was chosen so that people wouldnt judge me for not starting uni a nd not knowing what i want to do with my life.

Why do people feel the need to gaslight me.? My call went kinda bad. I mean lucky for them, I didn’t say any of the things, that I spend up all night thinking about. The man gives me a fucking existential crisis and says “I don’t know, why you’re upset about that”. Excuse me, maybe I get overwhelmed sometimes, but that doesn’t mean, you can treat me, like I’m making shit up on the go. The back-and-forth energy at this activity is playing with my mentality. I need somewhere quiet and for once uncomplicated.

I like watching “what would you do” because it reminds me of the good in people. Anxiety makes you think everyone’s mad at you. It sucks because isolation’s addicting. Can’t wait to get out of this cabin fever I’m in. I have two more weeks in this place. Then I can take another step. I’m also nervous because next week my mom’s having heart surgery. She wants me to stay with her for a week and watch over her. That brings back a lot of trauma for me but I’m going to brave through it anyway. I’m someone that avoids people and places that remind […]

Went on vacation with a good friend of mine and her family for a week, and now I’m back. I was happier than I’ve been in a long time… I felt like I could escape things if only for awhile. Now we’re back and I have to go back home. I love my family but I dont want to go home. I dont want to go to that house, or walk into my door-less room. I know in the end theres no escape. I have to move on I suppose. I’m fine I guess but I dont think I belong anywhere. I’m just the guest […]

I live in a semi truck. I get to live inside about 4 to 5 days a month. I always had problems with money before I lived in a truck because my scoliosis back problem always caused so much of an issue I would always quit the labor jobs that were available and take time off. My back braced helped a little bit. Anyways while I’m making lots of money and the nature of the job is good for my back I can’t take living in a vehicle anymore. I’m gonna quit soon and I’ll be forced to go back to a more labor intensive […]

A lot has happened. I was sick for a week, right when I was supposed to start a program from Jobcenter. Had to get a medical certificate (I hope it’s called that, sorry non-english speaker) from my doctor, who of course was on vacation.

Then on Monday showing up, they forgot to do a Corona Test, which is mandatory there, which obviously I didn’t know. And they did it after I had been there for 3 hours. It was positive. They basically asked me to leave the premises and I had to wait really long until someone came down to talk to me. They gave me […]

FUCK TIME TIME IS A B!TCH

FUCKIN RANT O’CLOCK, FUCKLES MCGEE!

GUESS WHAT?! I’m FUCKING waiting now, and I FUCKING hate it!

WAITING FOR THIS STUPID FUCKING SOLUTION which is GONNA MAKE MY LIFE BETTER

but FUCK WAITING OH GOD

I WAS STABLE for like A WEEK AND A HALF damnit! FUCK COPING! FUCK QUESTIONS from PROFANE PREACHERS of PALLID HATE!

HERE’s the UPDATE, because HELL YEAH that’s useful!

Part ONE:

I wanna make some FUCKIN DEMANDS, damnit!

I WANNA COFFIN, DAMNIT! and you BETTER NOT THROW AWAY ALL THE SHIT I PUT TOGETHER TO LAY THIS WHOLE MESS OUT FOR YA!

alright, now to the kind and well-deserving members of thesuicideproject.org, I’d like to […]

among the lies that the crisis line has told me, that I’m “so strong” for surviving has got to be one of the laziest. Today I took it on, and they said others wouldn’t be strong enough. I said that I envied them, those without this “strength”, because they would now be dead, where as I’m not.

I don’t think they had a script for that, but they stopped telling me I was “strong”…. so that’s at least me with the high ground.

To quote one of my favorite movies; “sometimes dead is better.”

If I had any strength I would have completed. I wouldn’t be here, arguing […]

SH warning

I’m so ugly. I cut on my thighs and boobs and I’m so ugly. I’m so scarred, my skin doesn’t feel the same. It’s so hideous. No one could ever love me with them, they’d just be reminded how ugly I am everytime they saw me. I’m disgusting. I just wish I could be pretty again, I wish people could love me again. I just want someone to love me, I ruin everything I touch though. And I don’t even have a reason to stop, my scars will never go away. I’ll remain unlovable no matter. At least the […]