if my sister wasnt home id do it tonight. they’re going to hawaii next month and i hope to do it then. im a lost cause. im even more determined not to fail because im never going to allow myself to be hospitalized again. if i cant be happy even after trying to get help im not putting in any more effort. my family speaks about my problems behind my back but won’t even acknowledge my feelings, im losing my damn mind. i heard them saying something about her calling the cops on me and something happend where my dad was trying to convince my […]
why is it so hard now that im older? joining things like random chats dull the loneliness for only a short bit, and im sure its going to be more tough once im back in school.
no one really talks to me nowadays, unless its about art i owe them. ive made up so many characters in my mind, things that make me feel cared for.. but only for a while. im not insane, i know they’re not real. i know they dont care about me. even with calls with my friends, i usually end up just quiet because i dont want to interrupt anyone else […]
I’m getting really bad, I don’t know if I’ve ever been this bad. Usually my scary thoughts are passing and its the feeling of emptiness that makes the bad times bad. I could count on myself that for every scary thought I would have a good one. Lately the bad thoughts have been lingering longer and are more violent than usual. My thoughts that I could hurt others are getting more real and I feel myself slipping away. The thought of killing myself has always been in the back of my mind but now it’s actually an option.
I feel like dying because I’m not into anything. I don’t feel attracted to any particular action, human, job or anything.
extreme stress caused from seemingly nothing noteworthy is making me have thoughts of quiting uni, going back home and find a job. even tho the course im studying is something i enjoy and have great talent for. what do i do? ive had enough stress in the last 10 years of my life, that i just dont have anymore strenth to fight against any new stress. and i have already done smth similiar, but the thing i studied then was chosen so that people wouldnt judge me for not starting uni a nd not knowing what i want to do with my life.
Why do people feel the need to gaslight me.? My call went kinda bad. I mean lucky for them, I didn’t say any of the things, that I spend up all night thinking about. The man gives me a fucking existential crisis and says “I don’t know, why you’re upset about that”. Excuse me, maybe I get overwhelmed sometimes, but that doesn’t mean, you can treat me, like I’m making shit up on the go. The back-and-forth energy at this activity is playing with my mentality. I need somewhere quiet and for once uncomplicated.
I like watching “what would you do” because it reminds me of the good in people. Anxiety makes you think everyone’s mad at you. It sucks because isolation’s addicting. Can’t wait to get out of this cabin fever I’m in. I have two more weeks in this place. Then I can take another step. I’m also nervous because next week my mom’s having heart surgery. She wants me to stay with her for a week and watch over her. That brings back a lot of trauma for me but I’m going to brave through it anyway. I’m someone that avoids people and places that remind […]
Went on vacation with a good friend of mine and her family for a week, and now I’m back. I was happier than I’ve been in a long time… I felt like I could escape things if only for awhile. Now we’re back and I have to go back home. I love my family but I dont want to go home. I dont want to go to that house, or walk into my door-less room. I know in the end theres no escape. I have to move on I suppose. I’m fine I guess but I dont think I belong anywhere. I’m just the guest […]
I live in a semi truck. I get to live inside about 4 to 5 days a month. I always had problems with money before I lived in a truck because my scoliosis back problem always caused so much of an issue I would always quit the labor jobs that were available and take time off. My back braced helped a little bit. Anyways while I’m making lots of money and the nature of the job is good for my back I can’t take living in a vehicle anymore. I’m gonna quit soon and I’ll be forced to go back to a more labor intensive […]
A lot has happened. I was sick for a week, right when I was supposed to start a program from Jobcenter. Had to get a medical certificate (I hope it’s called that, sorry non-english speaker) from my doctor, who of course was on vacation.
Then on Monday showing up, they forgot to do a Corona Test, which is mandatory there, which obviously I didn’t know. And they did it after I had been there for 3 hours. It was positive. They basically asked me to leave the premises and I had to wait really long until someone came down to talk to me. They gave me […]
FUCK TIME TIME IS A B!TCH
FUCKIN RANT O’CLOCK, FUCKLES MCGEE!
GUESS WHAT?! I’m FUCKING waiting now, and I FUCKING hate it!
WAITING FOR THIS STUPID FUCKING SOLUTION which is GONNA MAKE MY LIFE BETTER
but FUCK WAITING OH GOD
I WAS STABLE for like A WEEK AND A HALF damnit! FUCK COPING! FUCK QUESTIONS from PROFANE PREACHERS of PALLID HATE!
HERE’s the UPDATE, because HELL YEAH that’s useful!
Part ONE:
I wanna make some FUCKIN DEMANDS, damnit!
I WANNA COFFIN, DAMNIT! and you BETTER NOT THROW AWAY ALL THE SHIT I PUT TOGETHER TO LAY THIS WHOLE MESS OUT FOR YA!
alright, now to the kind and well-deserving members of thesuicideproject.org, I’d like to […]
among the lies that the crisis line has told me, that I’m “so strong” for surviving has got to be one of the laziest. Today I took it on, and they said others wouldn’t be strong enough. I said that I envied them, those without this “strength”, because they would now be dead, where as I’m not.
I don’t think they had a script for that, but they stopped telling me I was “strong”…. so that’s at least me with the high ground.
To quote one of my favorite movies; “sometimes dead is better.”
If I had any strength I would have completed. I wouldn’t be here, arguing […]
SH warning
I’m so ugly. I cut on my thighs and boobs and I’m so ugly. I’m so scarred, my skin doesn’t feel the same. It’s so hideous. No one could ever love me with them, they’d just be reminded how ugly I am everytime they saw me. I’m disgusting. I just wish I could be pretty again, I wish people could love me again. I just want someone to love me, I ruin everything I touch though. And I don’t even have a reason to stop, my scars will never go away. I’ll remain unlovable no matter. At least the […]
TW sh (detailed description of self harm)
I remember when I first started cutting, it was so easy for it to go on. the blade glided through my skin in a soft slice. cut slow and long to feel every moment or cut fast to see more blood. The plan was just three; but three turned to five which turned to ten which turned to a full canvas. It’s the only way I know I’m alive. Ive tried cutting over the healed scars but no matter how much I push there’s just not as much blood as there used to be. I know my only option […]
…But is it possible to fall out of love with the one who gave birth to you?…
A continuation of the events described here…
She forgot her suitcase and came back a couple of days later. More of the same behaviour. I made a point of apologizing for a time many years ago when she was in a similar situation which I hand’t had the awareness or life experience to react/know how to respond properly. She appreciated it but oddly there was no empathy at my now being there, only “frustration” that there is apparently no way to “fix” the problem, and sadness at the idea of losing a friend. It’s not in others’ power to change things, “I have to want […]
I moved out of my passive aggressive mom’s house with a boyfriend that I can’t hold a conversation with. I landed a job in HR that I’ve always wanted just to be talked down to. I live in a shit neighborhood with shit people. Nothing gets better. I’m tired of people saying it does. I’ve tried and tried and tried. I’m exhaused. I still want to die. I don’t belong here. All I can stand to do is get high and forget about my real life. I never asked for this shit. This is the type of tired that sleep can’t relieve you from. I […]
It always tends to gravitate towards bad luck as opposed to good. Good luck you might have one chance in a hundred of experiencing, whereas bad luck has got to be 99% likely to occur. Toxic positivity would declare ‘ you make your own luck’ but in the real world it doesn’t work like that. Outrageously bad luck will happen, like the time Mr.O’Grady walked in to the mapping office.
Many years ago I was working in this fucking racket, any form of employment could be described as a racket and this was no exception. A Mr.O’Grady, a name which has stuck with me as the […]
I’ve been battling with an unknown illness since I was 23, on and off, and because I also have health anxiety disorder neither my parents nor my doctors have ever believed me. It took me a long time but I have an idea of what is going on and I think there is little hope I will live the year. I believe I have SIBO which in turn causes chronic infections, especially in my prostate, which hurts so bad I wish I were dead. I’ve been feeling better for the past year but the symptoms have been getting worst the past 6 months, IBS, rash, […]
sometimes I really want to feel some sort of way about things. I can’t afford to, my life is run at an emotional deficit, therefor every feeling has a price tag
The thing I would like to feel some sort of way about is that awful project I was on is over, and as fast as that happened, in two days I start a new project. Will it be better? worse? the same? No way to know but to live it.
Meanwhile, I’m wondering when I’ll crack, if I’ll crack I guess. I started to come apart last night at the thought of more vet bills, which […]