Big fat NOTHING.

I’m just wasting my life away…

i stay up all night again unfortunately plagued by my thoughts, i know i’m worthless to everyone around me and i know that if i was dead it would just be an inconvenience to my family, i doubt it would make things easier for anyone i just don’t think my death would have any kind of impact. i’ve always been temporary to people, used for whatever thing they needed at the time then forgotten shortly after, i don’t know why i can’t just kill myself, i know i don’t matter, and i know posting on here will probably be pointless because no one will remember […]

To say the least, I have no friends, no one to check up on me or invite out. I have no one and nothing. I feel like I must be the problem but trust, I know when I fuck up and when I don’t, I’m self aware, I just have a shit load of trauma and social anxiety etc, I seem like a lame person, but I’m not…I just keep getting out casted from rumors nothing legit and it’s like, so do I just die now then?

I used to come to this site a lot as a 13 year old. My username was MadeToFade.
Im Jamie. I’ll be 24 in late July of 2021. Before suicideproject was a .org, I came to type out my feelings. I expressed my frustrations and sadness, but I also conversated with a male 22 years older than myself on that website, underneath the old username Ive given above.
Due to observation by members of the site, it was pointed out that “Nolen” was in fact an adult, and “MadeToFade” was in fact a minor.
I am thankful that someone noticed and felt alarmed enough to […]

I am so tired. I’m not the kind of woman that gets taken care of. I’m the kind that gets skipped in line by the better women, and goes unnoticed – also plain ignored. I want to be able to do everything on my own. But I can’t. Partially due to bipolar1/depression and anxiety symptoms :/

Lately, I can’t sleep, it’s hard to eat, and my heart always feels heavy. I always feel like I am sinking downwards more and more like there is no end or bottom to this. I cry most days quite a lot. I’m just kind of invisible though. I don’t think […]

In the past 2 months I have been in the Psych ward for 2 weeks, a residential facility for 2 weeks, and now I am in aftercare with a partial day program and I the only improvement that I see is my outlook is now “I want my life to end” rather than “I want to end my life”    So,  I do not see any improvement, but only a remission.  The partial day program is actually very thorough in content and recommending coping skills but I am too far gone for any of this to be effective at this point.   I am trying, but […]

…lonely.

I’m at the point of literally asking, because I’m not allowed to want violent revenge on the people who are indifferent to my suffering. I’m also not particularly allowed to want to just not go back to work. Meanwhile, I’m sick, deep in burn out and having no motivation to pull up and out. I’ll put myself right back here is the reason. I’d love to do the normal thing, earn a paycheck, go on vacation to the lake. I really did try. It just doesn’t offer any rewards. I have this intolerable ambition, I’m not happy with whatever is given to me, I want […]

Well i ended up doing a really big and bad burn on my arm and actually got medical attention for the 1st time. Was sent to a hosp 40mins away to their burn unit. They cleaned up the wound and put some silver medicated pad over it with some neon green wrappings and a sleeve to go over. Cant get it wet and have to leave it alone for 1 week til my next appointment.

They wanted to inpatient me but i rejected it even though i told them my whole life story. They were scared by how calm i am and theyre like “do you […]

When I was in high school a so-called “friend” laughed at me and said “you are such a reject” for no reason. Those words always stuck with me.

I’m sick of being so hated and everyone jumping at any chance to let me know how much they don’t want me there. I’m sick of being a born loser at the bottom no matter what I do. I’m sick of being mocked and insulted and disregarded just for existing it seems. Everyone else gets support, but no, I deserved it somehow. What they do for others never seems to apply to me and me only. All I’ve […]

In my delusions I somehow managed to convince myself that I’m perfect and there’s nothing wrong with me, again. Yeah I’m a narcissist… my mother isn’t. I’m the problem. I made my mother cry today. It’s not the first time. We got into an argument and it didn’t get very heated but then again that might be another one of my delusions. I just told her I didn’t like her. I don’t have any reason to, but I also don’t have any reason not to. I guess it’s because she is really trying hard to get to know me and actually help me. I’m really […]

Again, I spend so much time wishing this was over. The only actual reason to be alive is for my mum. I have one online friend, 2 others I’d say are acquaintances.
I don’t even like using the word friend, but I know I’ve used it before, and this person considers me to be their friend (who the heck would want to be my friend? I’m an idiot…)
Those 3 people will be completely fine without me. One has a boyfriend, another seemingly has a few friends, and another, I’m not really sure of.
I had a chance 2 years ago to not screw up […]

There must be things that are real but I’m sure I’m not one of those. Nothing I do has any effect in the world. I’m not seen and never heard.

It’s good for me to be kept away and stored in a cool and dry place where no sun light can reach. But I keep getting older and You demand that I respond to Your needs and justify my existence.

What is there to exploit from me? I don’t bring any of value into the world, You never taught me how to. My hands are for idling. What You want from me I can’t give.

I have been […]

doubt this post will get much attention but the goal here is to post some music that you find comforting or similar feelings, post as many songs as you’d like 🙂 (put song first then artist if possible)

mine would be:
the end is where we begin – thousand foot krutch
grey – good boy daisy
backbone – there for tomorrow
how to burn one night – season to attack
set me on fire – flyleaf

Existing is so painful. I’m severely depressed and very mentally disturbed. I can’t find it in me to do anything anymore. I should be writing my chemistry notes right now to secure a passing grade on my upcoming exam, but my depressed self keeps saying “Fuck it”. I can’t even get myself to read all of those books that I was excited to read after finishing my AP exams. They’re just sitting there on my desk as reminders of how much of a pathetic time waster I am. And I tried to tell my dad about everything that’s going on but he just […]

What is life fr, Obviously it’s not mine. You literally have to live for other people. It’s like you know that nobody can help you. Your just tired of being here, nobody can understand the emotions or lack of, that you go through. In pass years I never cared about who I would hurt with me killing myself. But today after having a really bad morning I was enraged and cut myself really bad and I thought, I’ve already started might as well go for the kill, but I thought, what would happen to my dog, will she lay there with me and die from […]

I had a dream about a fish. The world is funny sometimes. So now I want to know how you are. What is on your mind? What have you been up to?

He is perfect. I’m worthless. He is funny. I’m boring. He is intelligent. I’m stupid. He is always happy. I’m always in a bad mood. He is generous and cares for others… he’s strong and full of energy. People can trust him when he makes promises. I couldn’t care less about anyone, not even me. I never seem to have any energy, I’m weak and I never keep my promises. He is a liar, I’m honest. He is curious about others and altruistic. He is sadistic. The only thing that makes me feel okay is pain. But both of them are me.