I don’t understand. I thought that I wouldn’t need to use this again but here I am. Again. At 11:50 am on a Saturday. Usually I just do these things at night. It’s getting harder to not want to cut myself. I started realizing recently that it’s just a coping mechanism just like porn, and they are interchangeable. Would I rather permanently damage my skin or permanently damage my brain? I think my skin is the better option. I never wanted to look good. I always thought that it was so unfair that just because of my appearance I was treated differently than others. It […]
My mental health has gone to shit and it’s been shit for so long now and I always wonder why I never just end everything for good. Am I some sort of masochist or something? I keep on jumping between being majorly depressed to having just minor depression and nothing is fixing the mess of my mind so I don’t know why I’m staying here when I’m just in constant pain. I feel like I’m not going anywhere and I’m just watching everyone around me grow and excel in life. I feel like my life no longer has any meaning or purpose since […]
Well I have been seeing my bipolar ex wife the last three months and she went off on me yesterday about me trying to control her and that all I want is for her to be my good little bltch. We were starting to fall in love again and the feelings started getting in the way and she blew a fuse. I got tired of her wanting everything her way and confronted her about it and she didn’t want no part of it. She thought it was ok to blow $5000 dollars the last 3 months and she wanted some more money and I said […]
I have 2 buds left. They have to do me for 2 weeks and I can smoke 7g in 1 week. Oh boy money problems, responsbility and addiction are NOT freinds. But knowing how much stress my husband’s in over this I don’t want him helping my addiction when there’s more important things. Like not putting ourselves in dept to eat. Of course what can one expect paying 2 rents and getting fucked over at work so your pay gets cut in half.
I was thinking today about something while I was outside walking my dog. I was getting really angry, mainly at my parents, like I usually do, and I was thinking like, why the fuck do they want to control me I don’t want them to control me I am my own fucking person but at the same time like, they always give me correct advice, so just to be fucking petty I do the exact opposite of what they tell me to do so that’s probably why I’ve been feeling like shit. But eh, I’ve realized now that if I stop giving a fuck about […]
i dont understand why you cant have partners or share methods here??? Like what if you want to end it but you dont want to die alone bc thats exactly whaat i want to do…me and this other girl were going to both die on new years eve but she killed herself on sep 15 of 2020 and im so fucking sad and mad bc i dont wanna die alone i dont know if any of you guys undersatnd this situation but pls hear me out…
Hey, new here. Confused. That’s all I can think lately. I’m stuck. I don’t know who I am. Am I the sporty girl in class with boy shorts and a random t shirt? Or am I the girl with nice necklaces and bracelets with a skirt and my hair down? My parents look at me like I’m crazy. As if I need to be told that. On Monday I’ll go to school wearing a mini skirt and a crop top with my hair down and vans shoes. And on Tuesday I’ll be wearing boy shorts with a t shirt and my hair in a ponytail […]
You can tell me I’m insane. I can know I’m insane. But it doesn’t matter. It doesn’t change the way I feel, just the way I’m treated.
it’s been a while since I’ve posted anything, if you saw my last post; I’m still in love with him 🙂
i’m not drinking much anymore, had to move back into my dads because of it. I guess it’s good I’m not drinking but i miss it, a lot. I never thought I’d miss the burn of alcohol, being drunk and not feeling anything; or feeling everything and spend the whole night crying. It’s a bad place to be in and i know i shouldn’t want it but for some strange reason i wish i was there again, drinking every night for god knows what reason. […]
That’s all I want, is one more second with him. One more second to be in his arms before the universe rips him away from me. Everything good in your life you deserve but he was the only person I saw light in. I wised away by the whispers that he left behind. One more second, I would be okay is only I had one more second in life. The time where nothing else matters except being with him. I can still feel him laying in my bed by my side being there when I woke up from a bad dream to comfort me and […]
“please don’t confuse me wanting your body as the only reason I talk to you” – ******, my abuser.
the person who said that to me is the same person who forced me to dig a razor into my face. the same person who made me carve his name into my thigh.
i am nothing but my body and i have come to accept that.
i am good for nothing.
“i love you for more than just your body”
bullshit. BULLSHIT. ****** wasn’t the first to say that. he was one of many, i say many because ~8 years (excluding ******) worth of abusers isn’t something i can translate into a […]
My parents are punishing me again. They tell me I need to be more responsible. Took my computer away from me. I honestly don’t care that much about my computer. It’s just that the demands they set for me are ridiculous. They want me to get out of bed before nine every morning, eat breakfast, and exercise at least one time every day. It’s such a pain in the ass. My parents literally can’t stand me and it shows. So what if I’m lazy and I don’t have any ambitions and I don’t care about anything. It’s not like that’s a problem. Why would I […]
Right, so I’m a little toasted, a little buzzed, so it is possible that things seem like good ideas when they aren’t.
Three months into this major depressive episode, and I’ve reached the point that the part of my mind which adapted to pull me out is trying to do that. Getting those sort of hopeful thoughts that in the past I would have taken at face value. No more, it’s not getting away that easy. I only ever trusted others assuming that they could be decent, and that delusion is hard for me to go back to.
Some of the things I do are reminders for […]
I’ve already posted this week. I’ve already drained my head out. Things have gotten worse. I can feel it pulling me. I want to die. I need to die. I often have moments of extreme anger and aggression. I think about it for a moment and I realize it comes from the fact that I feel like I have no control over my life. The thing is if I think about it a bit more, I realize I am in complete control of my life. I am pathetic and worthless and won’t amount to anything because […]
I am already out of Solutions. Even my attempts failed. Got over Drugs, yeah I made that for now but I need Help. I can not go to Psychic Ward due COVID, I can not go there because I would lack Sport. Beautiful Human, but I can not feel them, even when they try hard. I could have a Date next Week but how can I make it without crying? Crying again Nightly like there is nothing left, trying to keep it down so I could sleep. Forgetting what I see during sleep, barely productive during the Day. Can not make me Happy. I am […]
I want to know you actually love me.
All I do is lay here. I was laying here in the past, I will be in the future, and I’m laying here now. I don’t know why I’m so drawn to toxicity. Look at me now dad, are you proud. Look at what you’re daughter has done with her life because you we’rent there to show an example of how a man should treat me. Now all I’m doing is laying. It’s better now or never. That’s what my grandma told me when I wanted to face my fears. But my biggest nightmare is coming true. I’m becoming my own worst enemy and I’m […]
lol^
Life is a process of discomfort. Rarely excruciating, but always threatening. Toothache, backache, stomach ache, headache. Heartache. There is always something that hurts. And it only gets worse as you get older. Things wear down, and reach a point where there’s no recovery. And then you’re just stuck with the ache – this nagging reminder that your body is slowly falling apart. And part of me just wants to be free of it. But never enough to actually end it. To overcome the delusional parts that still want to live. So instead I lie, wallowing in my pain. And look for ways to temporarily numb […]
The onky thing I have that confirms that I’m still alive is physical pain. Honestly… didn’t I already die? Why can I still move
Everyone just laughs at me. Any attempt I make at anything is just laughable. Why should I even try? I’m tired of trying. I’ll never be enough. Not for me. Not for anyone else.
My mother tells me I need to help her out more. I can’t even get out of bed and she expects me to take out the trash and walk the dog. I think my mother hates me. I think everyone hates me. The only person that I’ve ever met […]